Crazy, Not That Crazy

And so this evening he texted me and told me not to be mad, but he wasn’t ready to hang out tomorrow.(Go figure).

And so like any slightly crazy ex-girlfriend, I made up a reason why we should see each other. And so I told him this. I told him I was really stressed with school and finals. And that I needed him to be a friend and I wanted someone to talk to without feeling judged. And that I as feeling a little crazy with all this studying. And I said please a few times in between.

And he reluctantly agreed.

And in that moment, I felt like I played my ace.

_______________________________________________________________

To be honest, I am not that stressed, and I do not feel that crazy from all the studying. In fact, after I learned about how we have a week before finals to just relax and study before finals (which I learned from my classmate’s texts last night), I am actually a little less stressed than I was before. In fact, I have a lot of homework and studying still, but I think I’ll be fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go that crazy, to the point of actually admitting I’m going a little crazy with studying. In fact, I rather like studying. It’s calming and nice and it makes my brain feel strong and mathematics feels like acrobatics of the mind.

I do know though that talking to him tomorrow will help me a little though. Frankly, for all my finals weeks in college (well community college) from the last two years, he was there and he was my stress reliever during that time. And well, now, I think seeing him before I go hard with all this studying for the next two weeks would be a nice pick-me-up to get me going.

To be real though, I really want to see him tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend and honestly, I know talking to him and being with him will help me feel easier inside, especially before I start my hardcore study sessions in the library and just any place I can study, where my main company will come in the form of equations and numbers and mathematical theory. So I am a little grateful abut us seeing each other tomorrow.

On other really honest notes, I do not have an aim for winning him over tomorrow. I am still shocked he went on a  date and I kinda wonder with who. And I kinda wonder if there’ll will be a second date and I kinda wonder if there wont be because maybe she was a girl who was poking him on facebook (which by the way, I blocked that girl and another girl, okay I blocked four or five girls on his account) and maybe since I  did that, it stopped whatever was happening there. I don’t even know if I want to know the name of the girl he went on one date with. I don’t even think I want to know when. I don’t really even want to talk about her. Tomorrow, I just intend to forget the past and the present and just be in the moment with him. And to just feel good.

Anyways, I have no real aim for tomorrow, but that’s not stopping me from wearing my prettiest bra and wearing that shirt I know he likes, and fixing myself up pretty tomorrow. Damn, I even have that letter, Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen, that I might even read to him if I do decide to put up a fight for him. I have no clue. I just know that I’m kinda happy and relieved that we’re seeing each other tomorrow.

And so who knows, I might put up a fight for him. Or maybe I’ll just focus on being friends, but I think the hard part will come in the form of not being able to kiss him. Or him not being able to kiss me.

For the record though, I’m going to make it interesting tomorrow.

One-Liners: Two Hundred

Thanks for following and listening to me as I go in circles.

Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen

“Because we never stop loving silently those we once loved out loud”.

Dear you,

You know I love you, so you know in the end, we’re still going to see ach other on Monday even though I wont know how to act.

And I know it would be wrong of me to tell you how I feel when I know you’re seeing someone new. And sure maybe it was just one date, but what stops that from being two? And then three? I don’t even think I want to know her name for fear of knowing will make it feel as if I’ve lost you forever.

And so come Monday, I’ll respect that you’re dating someone. I’ll respect that because I don’t want that girl to have a story line like you gave me. How S said she had feelings for you still and you had still had feelings for her but how you had a girlfriend, which was me. And how that muddies the great story which I called ‘Us’. And so in the car when you pick me up, I will not defend my hold on you and admit how I love you more than anything. Instead, I will bite my tongue and not say to you all I want to say. Because it would be wrong of me to tell you I loved you still and to win you back if you were with someone else, I don’t want to do that to someone. because I know how it feels. Because I will tell you I love you and you’ll say you love me and the world will feel a little magical, yet confusing, because aren’t you seeing someone else?

And I’ll pretend as if, I wasn’t up at 1:30 in the morning today, crying behind my glasses as I write you another love letter that you will not read.

Had I not cared about the other girl and of you seeing someone else and not caring about muddying your story, her story, and ruining your happy ending, these would’ve been the words I would’ve told you when I saw you Monday, the words I would want to yell at you on Monday while I cried and threw ‘fuck’ into every other sentence of my speech. And so it goes….

I love you. I love you very much.

I thought today we were gonna end up between the sheets and just cuddle for the entire morning and have a picnic and revisit our old spots, the spots that make up our story. Because I have wanted that now for a very ling time. I was even gonna ask you to bring out the picnic basket, the one you bought for my 19th birthday. ( Ha! As if we’re not all around 21 now).

I wanted to feel your lips on mine because that is a feeling I come back to often.

And I wanted to refeel your skin on mine. Because that is a feeling I think about every day and every night. And I wanted you to cuddle me and just be. And I wanted your head in  my lap as you tell me stories and just rest there while I look at you and take the moment in.

I wanted you to hold my hand and just let me run my mouth about my worries and the nonsense things that runs through my head.

I wanted us to sing our songs with the windows down in the car.

When the new season of Arrested Development came out I thought we were gonna Netflix and chill and have a marathon. I thought we were gonna get back together eventually and i was gonna have us take cut pictures and put them on your facebook because I realized that I really like that. I was thinking about that this afternoon.

And I want us to get back together eventually. And honestly, I wasn’t supposed to asks you about other girls at this point in our break up. Because I know we’re gonna get back together and so what you do during this time is fair game, because I know we’ll be back together someday. but not now. You see, I know this. And I know I’m not crazy. I had this idea that when we did fall back together, we wouldn’t really talk about this time in between. I was just going to accept that whatever happened happened, but we wouldn’t talk about it.. But then you brought it up and I asked and well, this is where we are.

Honestly though, I guess I didn’t expect you to move this quick. because damn it, I know you love me,  but why so soon? I’m not even considering dating at all at this moment, because I still love you. And even if I saw someone of slight interest, I wouldn’t want to do that to them or me. To lead them on just to know that you’re all I want. That’s wrong. But maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not hurting over me like I am over you. maybe you really like her. I don’t know. to be honest, I am very scared. What if I lose completely.

What if she has sex with you? What if you’ve kissed her?

Now I can’t touch you. Not in the way I did before.

When you’re not talking to me right now, are you really just texting her and talking to her late at night?

And damn it, you have no idea how much I cry over you.

But I digress, this is a speech of love, not a speech of sadness. So let me step back and tell you how much I’ve missed you.

During this time apart, I had dream. I had dream that we got back together and we were laughing and you asked me what we were going to name our first child. And I think I told you something with a Z in it. (You know because you’re name starts with a Z.) And I something like Aziza. And someone was watching us and asked but what if it’s a boy. And you said yeah, what if it’s a boy. And I said well, I guess we’re gonna have to give him that name. The dream went something like that.

And now, I will not get to tell you this dream.

What else would I like to tell you?

You’re mine. And I’m yours. You’re my boy. And you belong to me. And this, this isn’t right. This isn’t right. You ever get the feeling something isn’t right? Well, this, isn’t.

Baby, what are you doing? Didn’t you think of me before you made that decision to go on a date? Apparently not.

Don’t you miss me? I guess not too much these days.

I think about you all the time.

And I feel like kissing you, but I won’t.  I will have to fight the urge to kiss you on Monday. I have never stopped myself before. But now I will, I’ll have to.

And knowing us, you’ll still probably reach over and kiss me. And I wont know how to feel anymore.

Maybe you still care, which is why you might be a little worried about me stressing over school. But what’s your point? You went on a date with someone, probably at somewhere we both know. And you know I went on y9our facebook and blocked like five people and you know I log onto it. And you still haven’t changed the password. What is this?

Why are you still agreeing to see me on Monday?  I want to believe it’s because you just really love me. But then, what are we doing then?

I want to tell you that maybe we’ll end up like the characters in one of my favorite books One Day. Because honestly, by comparing us to book and movies and tv, maybe this doesn’t feel too bad because then there’ll be a happy ending. But I have no idea what to compare us to in movies or TV, and the book reference was a little far off, maybe a lot far off. So what do we have left? Rachel and Ross from friends?

How is it you can make me feel like everything and nothing at all? How is it that I love you so much?

Where is that boy I knew back in the first semester of community college? The one who I thought had drive? The one who told me he thought it was weird to make out with strangers at parties in front of other people you know? Where is the boy I viewed as near perfect, the one where I didn’t know made mistakes, the boy who I thought didn’t lie? and then I found out he wasn’t that perfect and that he made mistakes and that he did tell lies, and that I still viewed as amazing ad wonderful? The boy I fell in love with. The boy who was in love with me too. The boy who loved me very much?  Where is that boy?

How is it that I still find you amazing? How is that when we started I secretly believed that you could control and change the weather?

And how is it time moves much faster without you, how the days don’t remain as memorable and instead they come and go, until it all feels as if time has been passing me by?

I miss you. I miss you so much. At almost 3 o’clock in the morning writing you letters you wont be receiving pretending I’m not writing you letters you wont be receiving.

And I’d text you right now, and tell you I love you. But if I can’t have you as mine right now, I will take you as my friend if you will have me as your friend. And maybe that sounds pathetic or maybe it sounds as romantic and sad as hell, but if that is what it takes to love you, then I will lay my armor down and accept. So I will not text you I love you at 2:45AM, not only because I fear you wont say  I love you back (although I think you probably would), but because I want us to be friends now. Because that is all we’re gonna get from this time being.

So from now on, I will  to talk to you as my friend. And not like the boy who I claim to be mine, not like the boy who I’d do anything for. I will just treat you like a friend, like I friend I love. And for now, that will be enough.

Honey, I love you very much. Never forget that. I wish it didn’t pain me to tell you that. Because I won’t be saying it out loud for a very long time.

 

 

 

He went on a date…

Well I feel a little crushed right now, although I guess I’m still in so much in shock and pretending I don’t care, to really pull in all the ways I really feel.

So a little background information on this story line. Which my by the way is all true.

I was feeling stressed so I messaged him this long list of all the things I wanted to tell him. And in the end I apologized to him and told him damn it, I love him. And he said hello. So we went from there last night. And I told him to text me. And he texted me at 3:40 in the morning and told me to text him when I woke up and I texted back this morning. And he asked me how I was. and I said a little stressed and a little tired. and he asked if I was stressed of us? Or school? And I said school. And he asked me if I was at school. And I said I was with my auntie, that Fridays were my light days. And he said ‘so you cant eat sushi with me’. And I said no, not today, maybe some other day. And we just started talking about how I was kinda stressed about school and he said he was kinda stressed about how he wasn’t in school right now. And then I asked if we could see each other. And he said on Monday.

And then when I asked him about the time he was picking me up, he didn’t respond right away. And then when he told me he was trying to rest for a an hour and he would text me later. And he did. But then he told me, he felt that if we hung out next week, he felt like all  was gonna do was tell him how I hated what he’s been doing and ask him when he was gong to talk to me and he thought I was gonna ask if he’s been talking to anyone else.

And honestly, we’re probably gonna talk about all that. But honestly, I wasn’t really thinking about any of this, I was just thinking about how I wanted to see him. Because he makes me feel easier when I’m stressed and I like talking to him with no filter because I like talking to him when I don’t get muddled into the mess of being mad at him. And even when I’m mad, I feel comfortable telling him about it.

So the point was as soon as he said all that, the red flags kinda raised themselves. But then I said, I wasn’t even gonna ask him what he’s been doing. Because I just wanted to do something with him. And I just thought all he was doing was working and seeing his friends all this time.

And so I told him not to ruin this for us. And he said alright.

And then I asked if he was gonna pick me up at the time I said and he said sure.

But then I asked why he thought that I would ask why he would think I would hate what he’s been doing? I kinda thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I thought he was just working and seeing his friends. And he said that just sounded like something I would say. So I thought fair enough.But then I asked the next question.

Has he been/is talking to other girls? Like is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t thinking about it, but he was the one who had mentioned it. And then he said, ‘damn I guess there was no way to avoid this huh’.

And I said ‘damn I don’t think so. so you might as well just say it now’ After six minutes of no response, I said ‘so are you?’

And while waiting for a response, I cry a little in the bathroom. Because up until this time, when I worried about him going on dates, I just told myself he wasn’t. He was probably just working and hanging out with his friends. And I told myself to be strong, to just in ever the case, to tell him to never come back because I wasn’t coming back to this. But when the time came, this is not what I said. Because I knew I couldn’t really let him go that easy.

So he tells me he went on a date. And I am in shock and I am in sadness and I am in I don’t know anymore. Because here I am, knowing full well, that I love him, but knowing that this kinda breaks my heart.

And I ask ‘Why?’ And he says ‘Because’.

And so I say the most honest thing I could think of. ‘Why you couldn’t you just hold out for me? When did you do this?’

And he told me he didn’t have to tell me any of this.

And so I asked if he was seeing someone now. And he said ‘I said one date’.

So I said ‘but you’re going on another?’ And when I got no immediate response,  I said ‘okay, so you are. we can still see each other and be friends right?’

And he told me to relax.

And then I said more honest things. ‘Woah I am relaxed. Golly, I’m contemplating and pretending this is nothing while doing my eyebrow. Now go back and answer my questions.

‘Woah, you there. Like honestly, I’m confused how to react because I kinda see you as my boy. but at the same time, I am a bit interested.’ And then I said his name.

And so he tells me ‘ hey I don’t really have to or want to answer.’

And so I try to reason with ‘oh, hold on though we can still be friends and see each other on Monday?’ After three minutes, I say ‘hmmmm?’.

And he says yeah.

And I say cool. Is he busy tonight? Can we talk on facebook?

And he says no, not tonight.

And so I say ‘okay then. Look at you, going on date number 2. (I’m teasing you.) I really hope we make better friends than being a couple though.’

I feel sad. Because it’s probably one of those girls from facebook he looked up. And I think I’m gonna delete those message son my phone now. Does it make me pathetic that  still want to be his friend, that I love him that much?

Am I overreacting? Does one date not mean anything? Will there be a second date? Or will there not be?

Does he still love me? Then why would he go on a date, so soon too? The last time we were seeing each other was the beginning of March. What is this? Doesn’t he love me?

What the fuck is this? I feel mad and upset and confused. And yet, I am happy we’re talking again. And I love the idea of seeing him and spending Monday with him and just taking a break from studying and just being in the comfort of him. But now, I don’t know what to feel after he told me he went on a date. And it sounds like he’s going on another date. And now it sounds like he’s seeing someone or definitely talking to someone. And the feeling is just lost on me.

Like fuck you know. I just earned all of this like an hour ago. And my heart’s a little broken. And it feels like a band-aid’s been taken off by hearing this, but only to reveal a bruise.

And I asked him now if he was still awake at 1:25 Am, right now. And I know he is. But he’s not answering. And plus, I don’t really know what to say.

Update: And at 3:00 in the morning, after writing an unsent love letter to him, I sent the following text: I’m sorry for overreacting earlier. I wasn’t really relaxed.

 

 

 

 

 

Until the Summer…

I don’t know if I should’ve told him those things that I last texted him. Now it’ll be forever until we speak again. Damn, why did I say it was all physical when in truth, I know that it wasn’t. That was only part of us. Why did I say I don’t think he really cares?  That I didn’t like loving him this way, to love him but not be loved back? That I needed to forget? Why did I say those things? We could’ve talked too.

And I said I wasn’t going to reach out first. That I did that too much to no reply. Now it really is going to be forever until we speak again.

And I’d say I’d ruined it, but he ruined it too, right? Yeah he did.

And now I’m sitting up in bed trying to feel everything through. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I’m okay.

Then again, I spent about two hours looking up him and his friends that are girls, not because I think anything’s going on, although at first I was just looking for shit. After a while, I think I was just looking through things just because  wanted to see a piece of him, you know, just living, being himself, maybe in the background of some picture or maybe someone will just mention him in a post. Because wow, I feel a little but deprived of him. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t think about him all the time and that I don’t look for him or his car in just about any scenario, especially in town. Because sometimes, I wish we could just see each other and forget this all happened.

But fuck, you know, finals and everything is coming up and I gotta be strong for all that. So maybe it was best I sent him those half-angry, half-in love messages, tinged with my craziness, saying ‘until summer’ even though he wasn’t really talking to me at all.

I was looking up what stage I’m in of this breakup. And I think I’m somewhere in between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think I’m in acceptance. Hopefully Ive passed Isolation and Anger. I want to say I’ve accepted. Who knows?

Obviously looking through his facebook every day and reading his messages, trying to see who has the most mutual friends with and correlating it with the significant other theorem from discrete math isn’t helping. Because of course I’m not going to find anything on there. I was his ‘significant other’ and I didn’t have a proper facebook, so of course that theorem doesn’t apply to us. That’s for the other 68%.

But damn it, I miss him. If I’m not thinking about math or econ or the future, I’m thinking about him. Or I’m thinking about them all at the same time. Like the other day when he showed up in my dream to help me study for econ or was it math? And I just felt really content with that dream. Of him being there while I studied, of being my study buddy. We’ve never done that because I don’t think I can get any real studying done with him around.

Anyways, until the summer. For now, studying. That and writing to keep me sane.

If that boy really loves me, he’ll be there when this semester is all done.

 

 

Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Seventeen

Dear You again,

Not like I’m going a little crazy, blocking every girl I don’t like on your Facebook account, which I bet you totally know I go own. Hence, that message I sent you about two or three weeks ago asking you to change your password because seeing you just look up other girls was driving me a little insane and I think I might’ve told you it was hurting me. I don’t know, I don’t remember what I told you anymore. And of course, out of spite and perhaps not really caring,(although perhaps the joke is on you because you’re status still says you’re in a relationship (ahem, with me although it doesn’t say by name but it says our the day when we started in 2013)), you didn’t change the password.

And now every day I go and log in and look at your Facebook. And see what you like and which girls you occasionally search and then I pretend to not feel jealous as I see familiar and not so familiar faces of pretty and not so pretty girls. And you don’t friend them, you just look them up once or twice and that’s it. And I sit at home and wonder why. And then out of trying to forget that you’re doing this and that it hurts me, I delete your search history and silently pretend that you never bothered looking up other girls.

And those random girls that are friends of yours, that poked you on facebook, I blocked them too out of jealousy. All but one of them, bbecause I did not feel jealous of that one.

Anyways, I miss you. And I’m mad at you. Because why the fuck are you looking up other girls? What the fuck, you know?

Why cant you just go about your day, go to work, maybe see your friends, and then just go home and miss me? Why can’t you just do that?

I don’t know what I want, but if you really did want me, why couldn’t you just sit your ass still for once and just wait around for me, huh? Why can’t you just be patient and let me be mad and upset and angry with you while I try to calm myself down? Why can’t you just sit and wait for this wave to pass?

Baby, what are you doing? Why are you looking up these other girls? Don’t you love me? Don’t you miss me? Can’t you just wait for me? Like I waited it out for you when you told me you were confused, when you told me you didn’t want to be with me, when you didn’t know what you wanted last fall?

Remember when I waited for you that time? And I chased you and I told you that. And then you figured it out and you wanted us and you missed me and we fell back. And it was amazing.

Why cant you love me like that? To just wait for me, and to know I’ll fall right back and love you again?

Maybe perhaps you’re doing just that and you just look up these girls online because you’re curious and have no real intentions of anything with them. And maybe you are waiting it out for me. And you’re waiting for us to be ready again. Meanwhile, you’re just looking these girls up to pass the time between missing me and meanwhile, I’m in bed overreacting reading the lines all wrong. If only. I kinda hope that’s the way it is.

I am a little afraid that you only fall back to me because you think I am your only option. And I suppose the same would go for me in that case, like maybe I only go for you just because you’re there. Like what if you only come back around because I’m just there. And I only fall back because you’re always just there. To be honest though, I don’t like to think of it that way. I think we always fall back, not bcause we’re just there, but because we love each other a lot. And sure, we’re crazy comfortbale and we like the comfort in knowing that we have each other, but I like to think we fall back together because when we’re not fighting, we’re really good. Like the overall feeling of us, it’s just amazing. And sure, physically, sexually, that’s amazing too, but when it’s just us, being us’ laughing, that just, that just feels good. And I want to dismiss it as nothing, but I know and you know, what we had, what we still have is special.

And I want to pretend so badly that you don’t have a hold on me and that I will cease to chase you, but here I am, laying in bed ay almost midnight, typing you letter seventeen in a hypothetical stack of unsent letters.

Golly I miss you. And after getting mad at me since I got mad at you about snapchat weeks ago and me apologizing for going crazy and asking you on a picnic days later because I wanted to, you aren’t talking to me. And I, out of safety for wanting to think I made the choice of not talking, told you last Wednesday, I said sorry (again) for acting crazy and that I was going to leave you alone for a little while at least until I stop feeling so needy for you and until I stop feeling so mad. It’s confusing. And I meant it this time. And I told you I love you so much and I meant that too. And I told you to take care. And that I miss you all the time. And I apologized if all sounded repetitive.

And now I’m on day five going on day six of not speaking and I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I need to stop opening up your Facebook account. I bet you know I log on too. And I just need to stop. You’re not dating anyone and you’re not seeing anyone and you’re not crushing on anyone. You just look these girls up out of curiosity since some of them are pretty. Nothing weird is happening. I need to calm down. There’s nothing going on.

I broke up with you because I wasn’t sure. I provoked you into being mad at me all that time because I wanted you to pop, so I could break up with you because I was so mad and confused, I didn’t know if I wanted you. And I needed time alone to figure it out. And you, I was so mad, you didn’t even know about me anymore because I was so mad at you and you didn’t know how to fix what you did because it was so old and so wrong, the storyline with S.

And so right now, I know eventually I’ll forgive you because I love you and your my boy. And I know when that time really comes, when I don’t feel mad anymore and you can tell I’m not going crazy in my mind contemplating your mistakes, I know we’ll be alright. And I’ll take you right back because you’re mine and I know you’ll take me right back because you know I’m your girl and I know you love me.

So I’m not gonna trip about this part right here. The part where you look up other girls because they don’t matter. None of it matters. The part where I am missing from your life and you’re missing in mine, this part of our story won’t really matter in the long run. Because who cares about the middle if we end up together in the end? And I know we will. Honey, I love you. And I know you love me too.

To be honest, I know we’re just gonna forgive each other for everything. And honestly, I don’t think any of us is doing anything wrong. We need this time to be our own people. And so you do you right now, and I’ll do my own thing. And when it’s our time, it’ll be our time again.

I’m guessing it’ll be the summer. Right now, we are not safe. I am still mad at you for everything and you’re still annoyed with me for being needy (which is really less about me caring about you, when really I’m just upset and angry at you ad I need you to justify you’re wrongness. And you’re viewing it as clingy, when really it’s just me being mad at you still).

You know people probably think we have all these problems and we do have problems, but no one except me and you know the real us. Of us, when we’re alone, of us holding hands in the car, of us singing songs, of us rolling and wrestling in the covers, of us talking on a bench with your head in my lap, of me running my hands through your hair. No one knows how we act when we’re good. No one knows except me and you.

And fuck, I don’t want to lose that.

Sometimes I wish you could find these letters and just find this blog, so you cold find these letters. And you could read everything that went unsent. We’re not going to talk for a long time this time, and I really hope you say something first. Because I’m not going to, I can’t always be first.

So I hope you find these. And I hope with that you can tell I miss you every day. And maybe then you’ll know how much I love you. But then again, I bet you already know that.

We’re gonna be okay. And we’re gonna be amazing. I just need to breathe and know we’ll be good in the long run. This part doesn’t matter. This is the part where you and I get better and fall back. We just need this time apart.

I need to let go for awhile. Only then can I stop being mad at you and only then can we start to build again.

Letter Seventeen. I guess this letter was as much written to me as it was to you.

I hope you’re doing well honey. And I hope you’re taking care of self and that you’re safe.

I hope this letter wasn’t too long. Imagine if I had emailed you this.

Anyways, goodnight, I love you. I love you so much.

Letter You Won’t Be Receving, Sixteen

Dear You,

This is a letter I will not send you, but had it been different, I would have sent it to you anyways. So I will write as if I were sending it.

I will excuse my tears as effects of pmsing. Because I am most definitely overreacting and I am confused what is left to cry about.

Sometimes at night, I wait for everyone to fall asleep and I suddenly, yet unsurprisingly, end up crying in bed over I don’t know what anymore. That I miss you? That you aren’t calling? That I don’t know what I fucking want? That I wish we could fall back into a time where I knew nothing about you and you were just an interesting person who made the best company. To the times where I just knew you from seeing you through the window of the cafeteria walking to the library. Maybe that would have been enough, to go back to the time and not have befriended you. To go back to my life of books and studying without the distraction of you on my mind. Maybe that would’ve have been enough, to just have loved you from a distance.

I need to let you go right now, at least for now. There’s so much to study right now and you’re not being the stress reliever that you usually are. In fact, you are unknowingly causing trouble in my head that I do not understand.

Sometimes I replay the last time we saw each other and try to pull out the bad parts and the good parts and I try to figure out what could’ve been done better. I’d say I’d picture us in your bed sometimes, when really, I picture us in your bed all the time. Damn, I miss you.

Here I am, yet again, crying to the keyboard, watching my fingers dance as I try to decompose what the hell I want to say to you.

Do I want to get back together right now? I don’t think so. That’s me being honest with myself. Honestly, I really still am mad at you. Not about Z or D, just about S. I keep thinking maybe I’m not mad about S, but then the thoughts comes to me randomly and I’m mad all over again. Like how stupid could you be? And I keep thinking I’m not mad about the Halloween girl, but then suddenly, it comes to me and I think how could you? And I look through your Facebook and I see you liked an old thing by S, and it’s like ‘damn, what are doing?’ and I see you look up these random girls, and I’m like ‘fuck, is it that easy for you to forget about me?’.

And I’m so tired of pathetically calling and texting you and messaging you to things you don’t even care to really read or take heart too. Fuck, you know every time I write you, I end up crying?

You know the sad texts I send you, well I know their sad because I get upset when I write them, that’s the only way I know what I’m saying is true.

I wish I could stop talking about you. And I wish I could forget about our songs and our singing. And I wish I could forget about our handshake. And I wish I could forget about the way you kiss me.

And so sometimes I tell myself to get over you as if you’ve already moved on. Because for all I’ve known over this time, you’ve just been wild. And to be honest, I love your wildness, but your wildness, do you think of me during your wildness? And for that, I love it, but I hate it. And so maybe during all this time, aside from getting cheap thrills of drinking with Z and running through the night with D and skyping and messaging S like crazy, maybe you’re making out with caked-up strangers through the haziness of parties and maybe your exchanging numbers with fairly pretty girls with average goals. Maybe you’re going on dates with them, impressing the basic.

And I’m home, pmsing like a motherfucker, constructing this letter that won’t get sent, trying to balance all this mathematical theory that I’m definitely drowning in, while waiting for you to call me. How silly am I?

I won’t be staring at the phone too hard this time. In fact, this time, is going to be very long.

Damn, I love you way too much sometimes. Because sometimes I think I’d just forgive you anyways for anything in the long run.

Day One: So Far…

To be honest, I kinda have a headache right now because I am thinking too hard about nonsense. Also, I had this sugary desert a few hours ago and I think its going to my head.

So I told my friends about how me and him saw each other a month ago and how all this stuff went on. And one of my friends K, I told her two weeks ago, and I finally saw my other friend D and told her about it.

K said she was butt hurt about me telling her now. And D, well, I’m pretty sure she’s kinda mad at me.

Admittedly, I kinda think they’re both mad at me for not telling them. But at thee time, I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. And you know, I apologized, I think, while sitting down, that I had not told them, but to be honest, I didn’t want tot ell anyone for awhile. I had thought about it, but then I kinda wanted to keep it inside because I didn’t know where I’m and I were going.

And I kinda feel really unsocial and insecure right now. I mean, after I talked about him,, I didn’t really want to listen to my friend K talk about her date or about concerts of bands I don’t listen to. And I didn’t want to talk to D about other things. And I didn’t really feel too interested talking about my classes.

I feel kinda bad that they’re mad at me, but if they’re real friends, they’ll get over it.

Anyways, they don’t think I should talk to him. And I cant say I completely disagree. I already decided I wasn’t going to speak to him for two months. (LOL, I wrote ‘weeks’ at first, instead of ‘months’).

And to be real, I already miss him. Nevermind I saw that he looked up some random girl on his facebook yesterday that I didn’t know. And nevermind An and snapchat. And nevermind the entire story with S. And nevermind all of it. I just miss him.

And in this moment in time, I don’t feel mad at him. I just feel a little lonely. And its not that I don’t have friends to talk to because I do. I just spent 2 hours talking to them, running my mouth for almost an hour about the last two days. And now I’m sitting here beside myself, and fuck you know. I just miss him. i feel really lonely for him. And I don’t feel mad at all.

And I miss him. And I feel a little exhausted running my mouth about him. And I’m tired of hearing people’s opinions about what I should do.

Because honestly, at this point, I kinda just want to cuddle with him and forget everything. I wouldn’t mind that at all. But I guess I’ll just keep that to myself.

And I guess eventually we’ll talk again, but right now, I know I should just leave it alone and wait for this wave of madness to pass.

 

 

Two Months: Day One (What’s New?)

So the more I think about it the more upset I feel and the more pissed off I get that An was on his snapchat a few weeks ago. And sure, maybe there was nothing wrong and they were just hanging out as friends/neighbors and sure, I don’t know the whole story, maybe another friend was there too. But I’m still pretty mad about all this. And I know by Monday I’ll have gotten over my madness and I’ll want to talk to him again, but for now I will dwell in this madness. And yes, I feel betrayed and angry and upset and its like I want to talk to him about it, but I just also don’t really want to because I want to yell.

And I’m realizing now when I asked him what he wanted to do, he told me nothing actually, there was nothing I could do to change that. I don’t think he was just talking about me changing his mind, I think he was actually referring to me hiding my neediness. As in, he thought that if I could just hide my neediness then he really thinks we could work out, but he doesn’t think I can change that. and he’s not saying he doesn’t have problems too, but he wanted to say that’s what needed to happen for him to be okay in this relationship. And you know what? That’s some bullshit.

He doesn’t think I can do anything to change that. Well fuck, I’m sorry I care about you so fucking much.

I feel so mad at him right now.

And I guess I’m just gonna try and forget him. LOL, nevermind I’m sitting here at almost 9 in the morning, an hour or so before class, just sitting here typing about him like a mad woman. He makes me feel so crazy.

And it’s like I keep sifting and sifting through my own mind, trying to figure out why I am so damn attached to him. And it’s like I have so much to study, but my mind keeps changing frequencies and it keeps flipping to stations of him and us and just, I am so consumed.

But I guess I’m just gonna try and move forward. And I guess we’ll talk some time in the future, at least two months from now. Because yes, like every two weeks, it is day one again.

And I don’t feel like apologizing for yelling at him yesterday and telling him he’s full of himself. And yes, I’ll get him back for everything eventually, for  now though, I’m just gonna wait for my feelings of anger and sadness and betrayal pass.

Hey me, it’s gonna be alright. I wanted the actual breakup because we needed time to be away and be our own people. And fuck, I know we’re most definitely gonna fall back together anyways. I wanted for us to be away because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted and I just felt so mad at him. and I thought we should be apart, at least for awhile. So this is what we wanted, right? I was confused. We tried to get back together a month ago, but I think we were all just tripping on emotions and we weren’t actually ready. And maybe we’re all allowed to do what we want. So maybe in reality, I’m tripping  and maybe I’m being an unfair bitch and we can do what we want because we’re not together. And I know he wont really move on, so I don’t have anything to really be scared of. Besides, when we do get back together because I know we will, I’m gonna make that motherfucker pay.

So I’m gonna leave it all alone for now. Two Months, starting today. I’m just gonna breathe and take my time.

 

The Last Two Days…(Snapchat, Texts, and Hundred-Thousand Dollar Cars)

In the last 24 hours, I have experienced a bunch of emotions, only to come back full circle.

Because yes, I broke up with him because I was mad at him and I was unsure about what I wanted. and now I kinda think I know what I want and I kinda don’t know, but that’s not stopping me from obsessing about this though when I should be studying for midterms. If only I didn’t check my phone so often, in his hopes of thinking he’ll say something. As if he doesn’t know what to say to me now. He’s proabably a little mad and really annoyed at me for being mad at him.

I guess we’ll all get over it though in a few days, in a few weeks we’ll be okay.

So I saw my friend M yesterday and told him about everything. And he told me about how on his (as in my ex-boyfriend’s) snapchat story a few weeks ago (M had some trouble figuring out if it was a month or two months, so we settled on a  month ago, in which I’m guessing was really a few weeks ago. To give some point of reference, me and Z were talking and we were talking a month ago and we were trying to work it out), he hung out with An (a girl he knows I don’t like, but is his friend and neighbor. And to be real, I’m not jealous of her and I’m not threatened because I know he wouldn’t do anything with her because they’re just friends for sure. And M said he thought it was weird, but he didn’t think it was like a date, it looked like she showed up in more than two of the pictures (yes, two of the pictures, not 2 different snapchat stories, its one snapchat story she was in, he guesses, more than two pictures) of the snapchat story and he thinks they were just friends/neighbors hanging out, but yeah, he thought it was weird. And M doesn’t know if it was just the two of them or what, but she was in more than two of the pictures and he only saw her in the picture, and he doenst remember seeing anyone else in the snapchat story. (Also, she’s pretty gross). But when M told me, I was still felt really mad about it. In his car? or was it her car? For the whole day? They went somewhere to eat? It looked like they were near that pretty view outside near his house? (okay, well, I know they live near each other, but still, why the fuck were they near there?) they only went out to get food? local, you said?

Okay, take it back. I was jealous. And sure, he doesn’t An that way, but you know I felt upset. Because my boy? Snapchatting about a girl he knows I clearly don’t like? And he spent the day with her? And yeah, I don’t really think he did anything wrong. But damn, he doesn’t even post pictures of us on snapchat.

So M told me that. And I knew that nothing was going on with An and Z (my ex-boyfriend), but I was still pretty mad about everything. And I wasn’t going to talk to him for at least I guess a month or I guess two months, but I was talking about him, and of everything I was mad about and of how much I loved him. And for all the bad things I sad about him, I also, unsusprisingly, had a lot of good things to say about him. I just reminisced of everything I loved about him. I didn’t say all the things I loved, but I named a few, and it felt good.

And while in the car with my friend M, he and I were talking about how I could start a text to Z. Because you know what? I was pretty mad about the snapchat thing, but I was also missing him. And so I texted ‘Can we please talk?’.

And then I decided to call, because I wanted to see if he had blocked me. And I didn’t think he would answer which is why I had it on speaker. And then I heard the familiar sound of his voice.

And I said hello. And he told me he would talk to me later. And I said text me later. And he told me he would talk to me later, he was kinda busy selling hundred-thousand dollar cars (to be real, I don’t really care. I guess it’s kinda cool, but I don’t care). And I said text me later then. I ask him to promise. And he tells me to take it easy. And I say I am easy. And he says what? And I say I’m easy. And then he says he’ll talk to me later. And I say bye.

To be honest, after that, I felt kinda excited. Because I love talking to him. And just, wow, I feel so happy when we talk. And so I told M about it (who had left the car when Z answered my call). And I continued talking to M about my feelings. Of how, in the end, I did want us to get back together. And I think I told M that I wanted me and Z to just go slow. And I said I was tired of being mad, if I remember correctly.

To be honest, in the beginning of yesterday, I was pretty content in being without Z for a while, like for the next one to two months. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted.

But towards the end of yesterday, I was telling the story of us, and I knew. I know. And I don’t think I said it out loud, but I’m pretty sure we all know. I really want my boyfriend back.

And M was telling me that he thought Z was gonna call me. And I was saying I know my boy, he’s not going to. And I said I wouldn’t die of heartbreak that night if he didn’t because he wouldn’t.

And he did.

And he said what’s up. And you know I was mad about An, but in that moment, I was kind of a goner. I mean, I feel like I had started off nice because I wanted to reel him in to yell at him about snapchat, but as soon as I saw he had texted me, I just, I forgot. And I couldn’t figure out what to say because I felt how in love I was. And so I said I miss you very much. How’ve you been?

And to be honest, I wasn’t planning on us getting back together or making up, I just, in that moment, I just wanted to say I missed him. Just because.

And he didn’t answer right away. I guess an hour passed?

And I said why aren’t you saying anything?

And he said hold on. And I said okay.

And then an hour later he told me, ‘I really think it could work out if you could hide your neediness’.

And I said I think so too. (Nevermind, that I didn’t read that in any mean tone. I just, you know, I collapsed.)

And then he tells me, ‘I’m not saying I don’t have problems too. I’m just saying this for me to be okay in this relationship’.

And so I said okay. I accept.

And he says ‘accept what?’.

And I want to tell you that I didn’t think we were making up right there, but yeah, you know I thought we kinda were. So I said I really think we could work out too. And then later on I texted that I was just saying that I accept what he said. That it’s true.

And so I logged into his facebook. And I saw that he had been receiving pokes from An. And that was like two weeks ago and that there were pokes 13 times. And I wasn’t sure if he poked her back, but I was so mad. I blocked her. And then I realized you could see who was poking who. So I unblocked her, but then I couldn’t tell. But to be real, I think she had been poking him because I don think he really checks these. And so I blocked this other girl that had poked him like 5 times in a row within the last two weeks. I saw another girl who was poking him like 5 times but I knew she was only friends with him, so I left that alone. Okay, so I know that An is really just his friends, but excuse me, I was mad. So actually, once facebook let’s me, I’m blocking her too.

Okay, so I went about my day, trying to figure out what our messages meant last night. And so yeah, I guess I kinda knew we weren’t getting back together right away, but I knew something was happening. And so I was trying to prepare myself for whatever came next.And I told myself if we get back together, I was gonna make him pay.

Okay, well yes, I broke up with him, but still I broke up with him because he messed up. Anyways, I didn’t know how I was really gonna make him pay, I was mainly just focusing on how we talked yesterday. And how it made me happy.

And so while I class,  decided to text him ‘so what do you want to do?’.

And he texted back. ‘Nothing actually, I don’t think there’s anything you can Change about that’.

And so I texted him back that I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I just didn’t know where he was going yesterday.

And then I really thought about saying those things I was mad about. So I left the classroom and told him. And I said yeah, I called him yesterday because yeah, I missed him, but I really only called because I heard about snapchat and that made me really mad. And I felt betrayed. And he asked why?

And I said An? That’s really gross ad he knows I hate her. I’m not even on his snapchat.

And then I really thought about it. Because I know they’re only friends and he knows I don’t like her and I know he usually posts just him on snapchat and I realized he must’ve only don’t that out of spite and that he did that on purpose because he knew I would see. (Yeah, that’s what I’m telling myself because he told me he’d get me back for the indian guy). And then I went off.

I told him I didn’t want to get back together (yet). And that yeah, I’m not saying he did anything wrong because I don’t think he did and I’m not saying I feel threatened by her because I not. I’m just saying he did that on purpose and it was out of spite he did that on his snapchat. And then I said I did feel very betrayed.

And then I said yeah, I guess we really could work out if I wasn’t so ‘needy’ because I care about him a lot. But you know what? that’s not the real problem. I really think we could out if he stops being so full of himself.

And then I was so mad while riding the train, I pulled out my journal and I saw my last entry.

March 16th.

A few weeks ago, the day after I told him I didn’t want to go slow with him and that I was still mad about everything and that I loved him but I couldn’t do this because I needed to be without him and that I wanted him and I wanted us, but not now. Maybe we could try again in a few months.

And on March 16th, the day after I sent him that message, I decdied to talk to a boy, the same boy I told him about, whom I, by the way, have absolutely no feelings for and who also doesn’t like me in that way, but to be real I don’t care about him so I don’t care what he thinks, I spent an hour talking to him and his friends.

And on that day I wrote in my journal, I am doing this out of spite.

And on the inside, I laughed at myself. At the irony. Because I’m guessing, Z did that too because he was mad at me. And I tried befriending that boy a few weeks ago because I was mad at him.

For the record, I tried befriending that boy once before( read: I talked to him in the library about out class for about an hour, then I asked him about himself and the talk was alright, but then I mentioned my ex-boyfriend out nowhere), which is how I know I don’t like him at all in that way), the day I got mad at Z about two months ago. And I told Z about this last month, and I kinda joked about that I liked the indian guy and I think Z might’ve got jealous because he told me he was gonna get me back for that one. Well, touché. Well-played.

And just, you know, I didn’t know how to feel because here I was, realizing I was doing things out of spite, hoping Z was doing things out of spite because I think that was out of spite. As in, maybe, as I believe, he only did that to make me mad.

And I told M about that. And I told him to mention when he sees Z that he saw me, nito beause Z would feel jealous (M has a girlfriend)but because it would bother him. But then I thought about it, then I told M not to do that, that was mean. I said I was gonna get him back for that though.

So although I believe that he only posted An on his snapchat because he was mad at me a few weeks ago, and I’m trying to get over that, I guess I am more upset about the thought of us and of how he doesn’t want to get back together.

And I’m not saying we won’t ever get back together because I know we will. It’s just the time in between us, it always feels a little bit like forever.

And I’ve been here before. Typing my heart away, crying about him in the bathroom.

Because I am now right back where I started.

Mad and upset and so, so in love with him.

And I guess all I can do is really sit it out and wait and try to figure out what I really want.  I’m not really mad at him anymore and being without him, it’s good I tell myself for us to have space. But I don’t want him to be with anyone else, like fuck, he’s mine.

And I think I am more upset than anything. But I don’t really want to talk about it. Id rather pretend I’m mad.

And I know we’ll fall back, we always do, but I hate this waiting for everyone to simmer down nonsense. It takes so long. And I know he’ll come back around and we’ll work everything out in the long run, so for now, I’ll just try and forget.

Maybe one day, he’ll find my blog.