Contemplations on Last Night

So  haven’t seen my boyfriend for over a week because we all went on vacation. Okay, that’s fine. So now we’re on the second week. And we were okay. He gave me all his passwords. We were fine.

And then I asked what he was doing Tuesday, (today), so we could see each other. He asked what I was doing after 2:30 this afternoon. In the morning, he said he made plans with his guy friend, J. I told him I couldn’t see him then.

So I asked when we could see each other. And he said Thursday.

But then I wondered what the hell happened to Wednesday. Doesn’t he miss me? Doesn’t he want to see me? Why won’t he reschedule his other stuff? Why can’t he reschedule everything to see me? (Okay, I know, that’s pretty unreasonable, but still).

Mind myself, I am on my period, so instead of being reasonable, I started telling him that he didn’t really want to see me and that he didn’t want to rearrange his plans for me. And that he’s just going to say that hes “busy” without explaining why he’s “busy”. Somewhere in the midst of all this, he had told me to stop because I was pmsing. ( Okay, I’m not gonna lie, I will give him some props for that).

Right when I came to my senses and I was about to email him and tell him that I just wanted to know why he couldn’t see me on Tuesday and Wednesday, he emailed me back.

So he told me, maybe he’s not telling me what he’s doing because it’s personal. And maybe if he told what he was doing, maybe I wouldn’t be there with him anymore. And that he couldn’t plan his schedule based off figuring out when he could see me for 20 minutes. He said I was being a child. I shouldn’t make him feel bad for having a personal life. I already had all his passwords. I shouldn’t control everything.

So I think we all know what I read in underline, ignoring everything else that he said.

If he told me what he was doing on Tuesday and Wednesday, maybe I wouldn’t want to be here with him anymore.

So I asked him to tell me and I told him I wouldn’t break up with him if he told me the truth. I mean, gosh, I was curious. And he told me to just stop, that was the whole point. Then he said goodnight.

Okay, now after I read that line, I started to think he fucked up somewhere. I started making up weird, fuck up reasons that were nonetheless entertaining, but sad. I even made up some reasons that don’t even make any sense. So I told him not to talk to me until he told me. Yeah, I have a pretty wide imagination of possible scenarios of wy he cannot tell me.

Then I woke up, remembered we were in some sort of fight, and I messaged him. Because honestly, I hate waking up and remembering we’re in a fight. I mean, come on, I love that boy a lot.

And so I thought maybe it wasn’t anything bad. Maybe he’s just staying home on Wednesday morning before work and he’s spending today helping J. Maybe he told me “maybe if he told me, I wouldn’t want to be with him” line because he wasn’t doing anything and he just wanted to stay home and play video games. And he said that line because he wanted to aggravate me and he kinda likes arguing with me for no reason? I’m not gonna lie, we have had some arguments that could have been prevented had he told me the piece of information that would stop it. And we’v had some arguments just to argue. Maybe he said that line because he is mad at me for being at mad at him for having friends. I don’t know. We have some dumb arguments sometimes.

So right now, I am at a stand still. And I am annoyed that he said that line last night. Because what the hell, right? Why would you say that?

Yeah, I feel a bit more leveled though. Because you know, I slept on it. I thought more about it. I wrote about it. I realized I don’t like being in real fights with my boyfriend, especially when I miss him. And I realized parts of me were being unreasonable last night. So after all that, especially typing this all out, made me feel a lot better. Like maybe I’m overreacting.

Well, I’m gonna wait it out. Chances are I’m really just overreacting, which I sometimes tend to do. And chances are he’s saying that because he was mad at me last night for getting mad at him. And then he remembered last week, and he got annoyed for me going off on him last week.

So yeah, I’m just gonna wait this one out. Chances are we’re all just being stupid with each other right now because we’re all a little mad.

Overthinking my thoughts

So how did the day actually go?

I sat there and studies while occasionally looking up to see if I could see him, which I didn’t.

I decided to go to the library like I had planned to study for my English assignment.

And I found him in there with his friend Alex. And I went in there and studied too. At first, he seemed a little mad that I was in there and then after a few minutes, he lightened up.

Anyways, it was going good. It was the three of us. There was this one part where I think he was teasing me and I leaned over and patted his hand to stop. Which now that I think about it seems kind of odd. Like I hope it didn’t come off as pathetic. Which I don’t really think it did because at the same time I was saying stop, he was telling me he was proud of me, but I chose to do it. Gosh, secretly, I hope his friend doesn’t think I’m a loser because I reached over and told him to stop. I think I’m being too self-conscious though. Fuck what his friend thinks.

So it was going pretty good. I was stressing and he was talking to me. And we seemed pretty happy. And it was all fine.

Then his friend left to study. And then it was the two of us for ten minutes. And we were laughing about something.

I don’t think his friend was in there during this part, I think he had left the room already. Like I don’t think his friend was there anymore because I don’t think I would have called him a motherfucker if that were the case. Or maybe I would have. I don’t know. I don’t think his was in there anymore. He asked me if I was looking for him earlier. I said yes. And he told me he thought he had seen me sitting there earlier. (Yeah, that motherfucker didn’t walk up). And I think I called him a motherfucker after that.

So we talked for a bit. And he told me about the girl he friended on Facebook. Yeah, it’s the same girl I know. Yeah, she knows about us. She’s known about us. And I told him I was about to have him unfriend her. But now I’m not. At first I said something him not making friends, but then he said he would still be friend s with her in real life even if he did unfriend her. Anyways, this girl is not a threat. (Yes, I realize this is actually a problem. He better not be close friends with this girl, or S, or Z. We’ll talk about that later though).

He said he wasn’t mad at me. He just doesn’t want to talk all the time. Okay.

So I told him let’s talk about nonsense for ten minutes. So he said let’s talk for five because he had to go to his final. And we talked about the importance of coming to important events, like graduation. (Which he is coming to. Gosh, if he wasn’t, I was afraid I was going to have to break up with him). And so we jumped to other important events, like graduation from grad school, or going in to labor, or getting a new job. He was trying to say that if the person was with you and supported you through the entire course leading to that night, did they really have to show up.  The point was yeah, he should be there.

And he was like was that the nonsense I wanted. Okay, well yeah I guess it was. And at first, I felt a little taken aback because secretly I’m hoping that this isn’t all nonsense we’re talking. I really do hope we make it that far. And we go through all those phases together. Of course, I didn’t say that out loud though. At least, I don’t think I did. I do hope that we end up doing it all. I love him a lot. We just have a lot of shit to work on.

Stressed

Right now I’m tired and stressed and I have a lot on my plate right now. Yet, here I am, studying while waiting to see when this boy is going to come out of his final.

Yeah, I really shouldn’t be doing this. It’s like I’m stalking him or some shit. And this is definitely not the definition of giving him space; in fact, it’s the exact opposite.

So what’s wrong with me right now? Obviously, I don’t get the point: He doesn’t want to see me.

So what is wrong with me? Over our time, I have become extremely attached, which I now see is a horrible thing if the person you are attached to keeps getting mad at you and can’t spend lots of time with you because of that. Anyways, I get extremely overly attached to him during finals week. Because when I’m stressing, I like to talk to him to make me feel better. Like right now, I’m seriously stressing, venting on here.

And so usually we see each a lot during finals week. Like we spend a lot time together. And I feel like it helps me.

But right now he’s all mad at me. And doesn’t want to talk.

And I get that he wants to do good in his classes too and he’s stressed too. Maybe I’m being selfish then.

Yes, perhaps I’m being selfish.

Like its Niro messing me up that we’re not talking, I’m just feeling the stress more than usual. Because sometimes I feel that he takes he takes the stress off a bit.

And so I’m a little more stressed than usual because he’s not here. He usually eases me a little and takes my mind off things.

And so lately, without him, it’s been like study, study, study.

And it’s like on top of that, I’m having boy trouble. Which is completely laughable in the dark humor kind of way because it’s the least important. Because I love him and all, but school comes first.

Anyways, I keep trying to all him, but he won’t answer. Maybe he’s studying too. I don’t know.

So yeah, I’m tired and all that. And my boyfriend just like absent. And I have all this stuff to do. And its like daaaaaaaaamn.

Two more days until I see my boyfriend, two more days until summer. I think I just need to take a nap.

What I Need

And I said I would not talk to him until he apologized first.

But of course, I broke that. And I tried to wait around in the building I thought his final would be in. Yeah, I waited and I wasn’t able to run into him.

And yeah, I called. And he didn’t answer.

And I texted him and got no reply.

And I messaged him and he didn’t read it.

I did get back one response though. He is coming to graduation. Maybe that makes me feel hopeful, but what the hell am I doing? I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t.

I was looking at his Facebook and I noticed he friended this one girl. And I messaged him and asked if this was the girl I had met before. I already know that I shouldn’t be jealous because she’s basically no one in terms of our relationship, but nevertheless, I am jealous.

What the hell am I doing? I have hella shit to study. I’m busy too. I have things to do. Yet here I am, contemplating over a boy who doesn’t even care enough to be with me.

This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t what I need.

I don’t need to be crying at night because my so-called boyfriend doesn’t want to see me. I shouldn’t be sitting around waiting to run into that boy.

I need to grow up and love myself instead. Because deep down, I hate our relationship right now. I keep trying and he isn’t doing anything.

I’m in love with that boy and he keeps putting me to the side like I’m not important.

He doesn’t know about me. He doesn’t know about me. I’m not the type of girl you put on the side. I’m important too.

I’ve got stuff to do now. I’m gonna be great. And I’m gonna do amazing.

I don’t need him. I want him, but I don’t need him.

Blame

He tells me that it feels like I’m forcing him to love me. That’s why he says he’s mad at me and he doesn’t want to see me.

And honestly, I fucking hate this. I’m so upset I feel like breaking up with him right now.

I feel very close to telling him it’s over. He tells me he doesn’t like to see me when I act like this. He says I’m acting like a bitch. I say he’s acting like an asshole. We haven’t really seen each other since Monday. We haven’t really talked since last Monday. He hasn’t wanted to see me or talk to me since last Monday. Because he needs his space.

Yeah, so I went off on messaging because he left me to argue with my self.

And so after I wrote all those mean things, I don’t feel mad anymore. I feel a lot better.

But I will not talk to him until he apologizes first. This is his fault.

Nights like these

Last night, while I was studying I kept messaging him periodically while he was playing video games. And I knew he didn’t really want to talk and I didn’t really have much time to conversate either, but fuck it, I wanted to talk to my boyfriend.

Today I am studying and panicking.

I told my boyfriend that I basically think he’s hasn’t been doing anything in our relationship lately. And I told him that I felt like I’ve been forcing everything. And he said that he thinks I’ve been forcing everything too. And that was the last thing he said two hours ago. Let me just throw in that I’ve been messaging him while he’s at work.

And then I just kept messaging him and he stopped answering back. Perhaps he had no idea what to say or he figured I would eventually stop and come to my senses or maybe he knew that I would realize that I was being ridiculous or maybe that damn guy was busy. I don’t know. I can make up probably ten different scenarios on why he didn’t say anything, but he probably didn’t say anything because he started to get annoyed because I do this all the time. And he probably felt bad.

So I started saying that he doesn’t put any initiative in our relationship. And how I need him to do something to prove that he wants to be here too. Because lately, I feel like I’m the only who ants to be here. And I asked him if he even wanted to be with me. And he didn’t answer. But then again, maybe I overthink it all, and he does want to be with me because then why would he be with me in the first place. I don’t know, I think I’ve overthought this entire thing.

Then I started apologizing for panicking. And all that stuff I said. And I said that every time he wants space I panic because of May 8th which was really fucking horrible. I mean, he tries (sometimes). And it’s like I want to talk to him about the way I feel and all that.

What do I actually want: I just want to talk to him often. I want to see some fucking effort on his part. I want him to want to be with me too all the time.

These aren’t things that I can fix though. Fuck. This has more to do with him.

That’s what I want him to do though. I want him to spend more time with me. I guess that what it really comes down to.

Anyways, that entire thing could have just been said tomorrow. I felt like I pulled that out of a hat and I’m pretty sure that we’re gonna have some sort of argument tonight, unless he just decides to ignore me because he feels like shit over what I said.

I hope tonight isn’t one of those nights though, the type of night where the possibility of breaking up looms over me. I guess this only happens in on-and-off relationships. I guess we’re one of those relationships. We break up , then make up right away. And I guess this only happens when you’re the one who loves more. I love more. I know that. I know that. I hate this feeling.

It makes me feel lonely. And it makes me wonder if I should just break up with him before he hurts me again. I’ve done that before. Break up with him before he got the chance to break up with me. I’ve done that a few times I think. Then there were times I broke up with him because I was so angry. And then I panic and go back. And tell him I love him. And he never brings these things up though. That I’ve probably broken up with him more times than he’s broken up with me.

Because there are times when he comes close to breaking up with me, but then in that moment, I talk it through with him and tell him I love him, and he then he stops and we end up making up in the middle of the break up. You know like in the moves where they argue and then they kiss. We have times like that. So when we have moments like that, he never really gets through breaking up with me.

Yes, there have been a few times though. Where I’m left there in tears and he leaves because he cannot sit there and hold my hand. And then the next day, I call him up and we all apologize and we make up.

Lately, I feel like it’s been harder though. Like maybe it’s me or maybe it’s him. We go off and then it’s like we make up a few days later, it’s like the last few days didn’t happen. Like we could have the biggest fight and he says some shit or I say some shit and then we just go on with our relationship. Or maybe it’s just assumed by now that we end up making up. That either means we love each other a lot. Or I let him take advantage of me that way. Or he lets me take advantage of him that way. Or maybe we think we end up together and we get married. I don’t know.

I kinda hate sitting around waiting for him to reply because this is probably my fault. Because I’ve been uncomfortable about giving him space. And because I think I sometimes make up problems that weren’t really there. And because I’m really damn critical with everything, especially about us. And especially because I look too deep into things that have no meaning, trying to decipher made up meanings.

In the end, I know he loves me and all that. And I know that. I guess what;s fucking me up is that big fight we had two weeks ago. Fuck that fight.

As you all can tell, I’m so in love with my boyfriend. I fucking love that boy so much that maybe it’s crazy. It makes me feel a little crazy.

Things that were bothering me yesterday

Things that were bothering me today

1. A line he had said like a long time ago, spanning almost six months to a year ago
“S or Z could see me any time they want because they have a car. But they don’t”. He said something like that before, a long time ago. And perhaps tht line was very true. This was during a conversation about them and how I didn’t like them.

2. Z
I know shes no threat, but I don’t like her. I assume that number where they didn’t say who they were and just said wrong number was her. It sounded like her voice and she seemed very, i don’t know, guarded. So yeah, i know that third number was her for sure.

3. S
Ii mean, after we broke up the first time, he called her and they talked for some time. He told me after i asked that he talks to S and Z about how he feels when he doesn’t want to tell the guys. I don’t think he likes her or liked her during our time together, but yeah, i don’t like her either. Because he liked her before me. And then he stopped talking to her because he liked me. And then we started out and he just stopped liking her.

4. S and Z
I don’t think hes  talking to them right now but there were times before when we were ok when he was talking to them, as I found out. I want to  say he’s not talking to  them because we seriously just talked about them two weeks ago. Pretty much a week ago.And i mention them occasionally in between and this fool should know by now whats up. I feel like we need to have another talk though. And he needs to prove this all to me if he really loves me. I know they’re all just his friends, but fuck their friendship. They’re unknowingly ruining our relationship and hes ruining it by lying abbout them. So yeah, hes gonna have to prove it somehow this summer.
Its like I want to have a talk about them, but then it will escalate into a fight because i will say something mean, saying that i never forgave him. And then he’ll be mad at me for saying that and we’ll probably break up or ignore one another. And he’ll get upset and talk to them and then a few days later i’ll say something. And he’ll say lets not talk about the other day.

Honestly though, we should talk and he should prove that i can trust him.

5. Fighting for our relationship
Sometimes I think I’m the only one keeping us  together, but then I pan out and remember sometimes I fight for our relationship and sometimes he fights for our relationship.

And in the end, we end up together each time. So I have no idea what I’m worrying about. That I put in more effort. Actually it’s hard to say in terms of this. Because sometimes I fight for him to stay, but he does the same thing with me. He’s patient with my indecisiveness. And every time I screw up, he really just forgets and doesn’t hold it against me months later.

6. That fight from that other Monday
A lot of mean things were said because he was mad and wanted to hurt me. And I knew he was mad and I was mad too. And we were all hella mad. Yeah, he shouldn’t have been talking all that shit. He probably felt stupid after he said all that shit. Because I knew that he still loved me. And we ended up sitting on the couch at his house anyways. And we made up later anyways.

7. How busy we’re gonna be next week