Two Months: Day One (What’s New?)

So the more I think about it the more upset I feel and the more pissed off I get that An was on his snapchat a few weeks ago. And sure, maybe there was nothing wrong and they were just hanging out as friends/neighbors and sure, I don’t know the whole story, maybe another friend was there too. But I’m still pretty mad about all this. And I know by Monday I’ll have gotten over my madness and I’ll want to talk to him again, but for now I will dwell in this madness. And yes, I feel betrayed and angry and upset and its like I want to talk to him about it, but I just also don’t really want to because I want to yell.

And I’m realizing now when I asked him what he wanted to do, he told me nothing actually, there was nothing I could do to change that. I don’t think he was just talking about me changing his mind, I think he was actually referring to me hiding my neediness. As in, he thought that if I could just hide my neediness then he really thinks we could work out, but he doesn’t think I can change that. and he’s not saying he doesn’t have problems too, but he wanted to say that’s what needed to happen for him to be okay in this relationship. And you know what? That’s some bullshit.

He doesn’t think I can do anything to change that. Well fuck, I’m sorry I care about you so fucking much.

I feel so mad at him right now.

And I guess I’m just gonna try and forget him. LOL, nevermind I’m sitting here at almost 9 in the morning, an hour or so before class, just sitting here typing about him like a mad woman. He makes me feel so crazy.

And it’s like I keep sifting and sifting through my own mind, trying to figure out why I am so damn attached to him. And it’s like I have so much to study, but my mind keeps changing frequencies and it keeps flipping to stations of him and us and just, I am so consumed.

But I guess I’m just gonna try and move forward. And I guess we’ll talk some time in the future, at least two months from now. Because yes, like every two weeks, it is day one again.

And I don’t feel like apologizing for yelling at him yesterday and telling him he’s full of himself. And yes, I’ll get him back for everything eventually, for  now though, I’m just gonna wait for my feelings of anger and sadness and betrayal pass.

Hey me, it’s gonna be alright. I wanted the actual breakup because we needed time to be away and be our own people. And fuck, I know we’re most definitely gonna fall back together anyways. I wanted for us to be away because I couldn’t figure out what I wanted and I just felt so mad at him. and I thought we should be apart, at least for awhile. So this is what we wanted, right? I was confused. We tried to get back together a month ago, but I think we were all just tripping on emotions and we weren’t actually ready. And maybe we’re all allowed to do what we want. So maybe in reality, I’m tripping  and maybe I’m being an unfair bitch and we can do what we want because we’re not together. And I know he wont really move on, so I don’t have anything to really be scared of. Besides, when we do get back together because I know we will, I’m gonna make that motherfucker pay.

So I’m gonna leave it all alone for now. Two Months, starting today. I’m just gonna breathe and take my time.

 

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