August 24th

Making up, fighting, making up, fighting. That’s been the last month of us.

As far as I remember, today we went a bit back and forth (or maybe that was just me) with the notion of breaking up. And then we seemed to drop everything.

I accepted that work was his “space”. (In truth, I thought this was really idiotic. He doesn’t want me to walk in to say hi to him because he doesn’t like what his coworkers will think of me because apparently, he tells them “everything” about our arguments). He tried to explain how me walking in makes him feel uncomfortable, like how him mentioning or talking about my dad at all makes me feel uncomfortable. We didn’t talk about my dad today, but I told him it wasn’t the same thing, which he seemed to already know this. I even asked if was willing to risk our relationship on this and he said yes, since I brought up, he would risk it. That was the first part of our argument. And in the end, I agreed that work was his space, even though I found the argument really gross. It seems that anyone fucking else is welcomed to come in, but not me. The most embarrassing part was that one of my classmates was sitting at a table behind us. I think by the time we had resolved the argument by saying work was his space and that we would never talk about it, my classmate had already left. I don’t think any one was listening to the part where I agreed that work was his space because he felt uncomfortable with me walking in. Fuck it, I don’t think anyone was there. A bit after they left, we had the next part of the argument.

And he told me he didn’t want to take writing class with me. And I agreed that I don’t think I could see him every day either (although in truth I think I probably could). He argued how I never introduced him as my boyfriend to my parents. And when I reasoned why he needed to be in a class with me, he told me he didn’t want to meet my parents.  And I said I never introduced him because I am embarrassed of how he likes me. And I am ashamed of the way he loves me. And that every reason he gives me is bullshit. And so he said he didn’t want to be with a person who was so embarrassed by him. I am unsure of how this was resolved. I think he tried to walk away, but I stopped him and asked him to stay.

In the end, I had him stay with me so I could calm down. And I apologized for the tings I said. And then I think a moment later, he apologized. And I guess we settled down.

We agreed that we would see each other on Friday at 8. When I asked if we could do anything I wanted, he said he would first have to know what I wanted to do because he wanted to make sure he could do it. And that I wouldn’t come out and ask for something like tickets to Disney.

I knew we were okay once he waited for me to come out of the bathroom even though he said he wouldn’t. And he said he waited for me because he didn’t say bye. In the end, he teased me about having “problems” in the bathroom, even though he knew I was in there to calm my red face after crying. And after thinking about playing along, I said I didn’t want to didn’t want to twist his joke (I said something like that). And we said bye and walked our separate ways. I didn’t stop and look at him to kiss me.

I know he seemed really set on talking everything through today. While he did try to walk away for a second, but then decided to stay, and while he did contemplate breaking up (like I kept thinking in the back of my mind), we didn’t break up today.

But to be honest, inside I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep fighting him over things I know I’m right about. I know we didn’t break up, but inside it kind of felt like we did. I know he didn’t break up with me, and I especially know this because were supposed to see each other on Friday and then he waited for me and tried to joke, but I don’t think I want to be seeing him anymore.

I didn’t tell him . But I don’t think I want to go back.

Maybe I’ll give it a few days and think tings through. I just know that this isn’t what I want right now. At the moment, I really fucking hate him. Everything he said today upset me. I don’t even care to remember most of it. I’m not going to say anything to him for a long while.

And even though school’s started up, this is how I considered our summer ending.

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The Last Three Days

So of course, I said something. And once he responds, I cannot stop talking.

Monday: We were okay. I apologized. Then I started complaining. Then he answered all my questions. I got mad for no real reasons. I got mad about A just because I read something about shotgunning. I read about it, it reminded me of him smoking, then I thought about A, then I got mad. He didn’t know what that was but it made me mad.

In the back of my mind for most of the day, I was also really mad about S. Everything about us and how she was in the background during half of our relationship, made me mad. Even though she’s only his friend, the idea of him liking her in the very beginning before me pissed me off. I know he stopped talking to her when we started out because he liked me, but damn, I felt so mad about this.

I told him I was pmsing like a motherfucker. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking at cars again with J, his friend. This made me happy. Later on, he messaged me, telling me what kind of car.

Night time came. I cannot remember why I was mad. He had texted me saying he was getting off work, I didn’t get it until the next day, but by then I had already went off. He said when I am pmsing, I can be too much at times.

Tuesday: I complained about my grade. I blamed our relationship for getting a C in my class. I said I had put our relationship before everything, even school. And inside, I was feeling mad at him from before, when he put other people, other less important people, in front of our relationship, in front of me. I felt so angry. He didn’t respond.

I texted him. I asked if he was ignoring me. He said he thought I didn’t want to talk to him. He said we were on a break. I asked if he had read my messages about my grade. He asked me what I wanted him to say. He told me he wasn’t going to say anything for a while. I said I didn’t want to talk to him for a long while. We were on a break. And he told me okay.

Then for no reason, I started worrying about M and I began wondering when he ran into her? Or did they plan on seeing each other? How long ago was this? Does he talk to her still? (To be honest, I feel like him and I already talked about this. They ran into each other “awhile” ago. She was doing, in his words, “Church things”. That was it. No, they don’t talk to each other. He hasn’t talked to her in a long time). But because all the answers in my mind seemed vague, this began to worry me.

And lastly, why do we always seem to argue or have a problem during vacation times when all these other girls seem to be home from college?

Maybe this is just me. I’ve broken up with so many times during or before vacation times just because I was mad about old things. Last summer. Him. Thanksgiving break. Me. Then him. Then me. It was a little fuzzy, but I’m gonna say me. Winter vacation. Almost him, but me. Spring break. I sat him down, then was unsure. So basically, me. This summer. Him. Then we got back together. Then we had that big fight the next day. Then he broke up with me. Then we got back together. The he wanted to break up, but then we talked and he said he didn’t think we were gonna break up. And now we’re on a break.

So maybe that last question is really just me. But then again, he always seems to screw it up with his attitude. I get mad at something stupid he’s done and then he gets mad because I’m mad. And then one of us goes off.

To stop talking, I blocked him on Facebook.

Wednesday: And then I unblocked him.

So I repeated what I said on Tuesday because I wasn’t sure if he ever got my texts. I think he may have blocked me on his phone or he’s just straight up ignoring me because we’re on a break and I keep randomly acting crazy. Then I mentioned Z (because she’s having a problem with her boyfriend) and how I hope he wasn’t talking to her. And then I mentioned our schedules for next semester.

Now I have said everything. And I am still mad at him. And he has said nothing. I still feel angry. And I love him, but I also really hate him for everything. And I’m excited for the future, but I hate parts of our past. Tonight I don’t want to think too hard about him though.

And because I am nosy and want to see his Facebook, I have discovered that he changed his password yesterday. Now I feel very untrusting. More than I did before.

Getting My Space

So I talked to him today just because he messaged me good morning. Wow, isn’t that something? I make it too easy for him.

To be honest, I spent most of my day mad about everything he’s done. Of how he still talked to Z and S. I’m still really mad about the S thing, even though he said he doesn’t like her. Of how he told he liked her when we started, so he stopped talking to her, but then he remained friends with her. I’m just mad at that entire thing.. I’m still mad of how he answered Z’s call. I’m still mad about the A thing. I hate all of them. I’m mad about how he doesn’t tell the complete truth. I’m mad about how I don’t trust him. I’m mad that he keeps putting their friendships over our relationship. I am mad of how he could possibly be lying about not talking to them. I am mad that I keep apologizing over things that aren’t my fault. I am mad that this last almost-break up isn’t even my fault. It’s his. And apparently, it seems to be pointless because we didn’t break up. I’m just mad at everything. He’s so damn stupid.

The truth is, I’m still really mad. Mad to the point of making this break permanent. Also, I’m pmsing, so there’s that too.

And yet, I messaged him back tonight. Even though I old him I wanted to talk all night, he said he didn’t really want to. He said he wanted to talk though about my days. And I told him we would talk at night. He had called me sweet pea. I don’t think he’s ever called me that before, but I liked it. Anyways, night comes and he tells me he only has a half hour left of battery on his phone. He is on the way to have dinner with his mom. And I ask him if he wants to talk. After seeing he’s read my message, but won’t respond, I say he’s probably having other conversations. I say forget it, I don’t want to talk to him either.

He’s nice about it, says he’s helping his mom with directions. I, in turn, say I need space. He asks if I want to hang out tomorrow morning. I say no. Aside from not going to school because I finished already, he didn’t see me last week and all the other weeks when he had the chance. Honestly, I hope he looks for me next week because I’m not even gonna be there. I hope he walks in there to find out that I’m not coming in next week. And he’ll look like a fool.

I told I didn’t want to see him for a while. I said I didn’t really want to talk to him either. Because honestly, I don’t. I’m really tired of him right now. I really am going to leave him alone for awhile after tonight. He never even sent me his fucking schedule.

And then he did send it to me. And it doesn’t have the class I told him to sign up for. And if he has that one class that he does need with Z, I don’t know. I’m gonna make him drop it, even if it is just a coincidence. And now I fucking hate his schedule too.

Maybe he’ll think I’ll call in the morning. Or that I’ll apologize tonight. Or I’ll wait for him in the morning before his class. But I’m not going to do anything.

He asks me why I keep going? Usually I do, but not anymore. I will now do the surprising and unexpected. Nothing.

Negatives

So tonight I began to worry about last summer. Last summer, he told me he ran into A and they talked for a minute and that was all. Last summer I didn’t care about A. Last summer I looked all over her twitter, which I think, used to be open. She had liked one of her coworkers, I think. And if I remember correctly, her and the guy would talk to each other on twitter a little bit. And I think, that’s how I knew not to worry about her. Last summer, I was really worried abut him being friends with Z ans S. Last summer, until we started arguing towards the end for no real reason except for the reasons I made up, my boyfriend and I were really good. I didn’t care about A because there was no reason to worry about her. Anyways, tonight I was also worrying about this post on twitter from last November. Then as I looked over it, I realized it was between A and her friend, and they were teasing each other.

I think I think about things too hard. A was never my concern until about March when he saw her with her friends for her birthday. he went too as her friend to her birthday. And even then, I wasn’t too worried about her because he told me what he did. What makes me feel so concerned is the thing from last month when he slept over her apartment with his friends. Then he walked her to class. And then she had the nerve to put it on twitter that he slept over and that he walked her to class. How stupid. And why didn’t her tell me? He was afraid if he told me, during or after or if I found out myself, he thought I would assume he cheated on me. And then of course I found out, and I thought he cheated on me. And then we had that big fight, where he ran away. And then he admitted everything through email of how they all got high and him and his friends couldn’t drive, so they slept over.

I wish my boyfriend wasn’t such an idiot. And I wish he could tell me the truth all the time instead of answering like a dumbass. I swear, sometimes he can be so fucking stupid, putting himself in fucked up situations and screwing up our relationship just to be friends with some other idiot. Tonight, I say fuck my boyfriend. That’s how I feel about him tonight.

Perhaps I’ll feel better about him in the morning, or maybe the day after, or the day that, or maybe a week from now. But tonight, I really don’t like him.

Aside from his ‘ok’ this morning, he never did get around to sending me his schedule or telling me when the concert is. Now it’s whatever. I’m going to make my schedule without considering his because he has yet again put me to the side. How fucking hard is it to just send me his fucking class schedule on his computer. What a lazy motherfucker. Despite writing this, I still feel mad. And I feel disappointed. I don’t even have the energy tonight to think of him positively.

I’m gonna give it some time. For now, I’ll feel what I feel.

Madness

Right now I am just worrying and overthinking about anything and everything because I cannot keep my mind quiet. So far in the last hour, I have thought about that week in December when it was me and him. I  worried that he talked to Z around that time because she was all upset about her break up with her boyfriend. The more I think about it, this made up worry is really irrelevant to my relationship with my boyfriend. We were having a great time together in December, especially that week. We spent all our time together. I worried about A and how I hated that he visited her and slept over her apartment with his friends.

So I messaged him this morning about schedule. I told him to figure out the date of the concert. I think he has the date wrong. He said okay.

And now I will leave him alone. I won’t talk to him anymore during this break. Talking to him won’t help me anyway. It won’t help me stop being mad. I fucking hate what he did. I hate all those times he fucked up badly.

I don’t know. I just feel really irritated with him. And I feel mad about everything. We have a lot of good times. We have a lot of bad times. During times we were okay or really good, he was being friends with those girls I didn’t want him to be friends with. He was still talking to Z and S and being their friend. He was being friends with A. Phone bills don’t lie.

It’s okay to sit here and be mad at him. There’s nothing wrong with that. He fucked up, he fucked up. It’s okay to still be mad at him for it.

I’m gonna leave him alone now. For the next month, or at least until school starts up again. Then I’ll figure out what I want to do after.

Chances are we get back together and we all love each other. For now though, I’ll be fine on my own.

Tonight I messaged him

And so I messaged him tonight asking for next semester’s schedule so I can figure out the hours I should work. And so I make our breaks at the same time. He said he would send it to me, but if he doesn’t remember to send it soon, screw it, I won’t consider making time for him.

On other notes, he messaged me back saying he’s going to get the tickets for the concert later this week. This makes me excited, but also kind of nervous.

Today I have spent the day pissed off and angry at him for everything from the past almost two years. And then after feeling mad at him, I miss him. And then I remember all the random things I want to talk about with him. And I remember all the things I want us to do together.

I don’t know this four week long break was my idea, but right now it seems kind of long. And I already miss him. Fuck it though, I wanted space anyways. And now I have time to feel better about him and stop being mad and to cool down. And he has time to feel guilty and realize that he’s a fucking idiot.

I”m still mad, but I miss him.

Not

I thought about messaging him tonight, then decided I don’t think I should. After spending most of the evening happy and mad with him, I think it would be best if I just kept my distance. I felt like I was a little mean last night, but honestly, it really doesn’t matter. The truth is he keeps fucking up, I don’t need to apologize for shit.

I wonder if one of his favorite teachers had seen outside his classroom window that day about a month ago, us arguing, me pulling him to talk, him pushing me against the wall. Me, in tears, yelling at him and finally getting him to follow me, or at least walk in the direction towards me. I wonder if the teacher saw any of that, to be honest, I don’t remember what happened that much during that fight. Maybe he pulled me in for a hug and kissed me after he yelled at me and I after I kept making him feel like an asshole. I don’t know. I think the day after we had that huge fight.

I don’t have anything to say to him right now.