Being Jealous is Gross

At the moment, I feel sick with comparisons. I literally feel really gross about all the comparing and one-upping that keeps invading my brain. I’m so into competing that I am unsure of why I need to compete at all.

Okay, I looked some people up, more specifically S. And then I saw she was a research assistant at her school. Now I am not too sure why I feel so jealous because I’m a tutor at my school and yeah, I’m a role model in my community. And yeah, she’s may be majoring in Neuroscience, but I’m majoring in Economics. And I think I’m just going to double in Applied Math just because I want to.

You see, I am ongoing with the comparisons. It’s really gross. And my head is swimming. You see, I am into science too. I am also a pre-dental student. So yes, I plan to do lab work in the future, at least when I transfer I think I will volunteer in the lab. And yeah, I volunteer and I’m part of many clubs at school. I’m president of my honor society. And I’m in the process of trying to volunteer at the hospital. And I’m in the process of transferring. Like what the fuck am I doing comparing myself when I know I’m great too?

Because I want to be greater than the girl. That’s why.

Like I guess I’m just jealous because my ex-boyfriend is friends with her and he won’t talk to me. Not that I want to talk to him at the moment, I’m just saying. Anyways, I know I’m smart. And yeah, I looked up her gpa and stuff. And hell, I know I’ smarter than her and all those other girls I keep comparing myself against. So I should really stop because this is getting really unhealthy.

Ha! I don’t even think boys like my ex-boyfriend compare which girl is smarter. Like no contest, he probably knows I’m smarter. And no lie, we’re both pretty in our own ways.

And yeah, I’m transferring to a really big, top tier university. And yeah, the university I’m transferring is much more smarter and prestigious than hers. Like my school’s number one. Anyways, I’m tripping right now. I do big things too. And one day, I’ll be doing even bigger things.

Fuck my ex-boyfriend. Having me compare myself to other girls. Like fuck. This is stupid. I’m a tutor. And I like it very much because it helps people be great too. So no, I can be great and she can be great too. I don’t need to do all this comparing and shit. Besides, he can’t even be with her because of her religion. So in truth, she is not an actual threat to me.

Sorry, for those of you reading this. I’m just trying to sort through my young thoughts. I don’t need to compare myself to other girls. I just need to focus on me. Because I’m a really great girl too. It’s his loss, not mine.

Friday the 13th

Today was alright. Not particularly good or bad. In fact, a little boring.

This morning I woke up to early, either because it was too cold or because I had kinda like terrible anxiety, worrying when was the next time I would ever see my ex-boyfriend. Mind you, we attend school together right now and he doesn’t think we should see each other, but soon we all be transferring and I  won’t have any time to see him and he’ll be busy. Actually, I’ll probably just be really busy being away. And I know we agreed we would see each other in about two weeks, but the thought of afterwards, when we would see ach other after transferring, made me feel  really worried. I mean, he’s not even worried about seeing me now, and I’m all worried about seeing him later. Well, this thought made me feel a but terrified.

I took a really long walk this morning by myself and in the middle of it, I found a nice bench. And I suppose I called him out of boredom around 8:30. To be honest, I didn’t really have much to talk to him about, I think I just wanted to talk to him to pass the time. I do miss him though.

And I called once. Then twice. On the third time, I think he must’ve shut the phone off. I ended up leaving a message that sounded perhaps a little sad and bored. Telling him, ” Hey, it’s me. I was just passing the time. I wanted to talk to you. Bye”.

Minutes later, I saw my old high school classmate walking up the way with his girlfriend. I was feeling self-conscious, thinking perhaps that they had hear me leave that voicemail. I had actually left that voicemail minutes before they arrived. By the time we had all ran into each other, I was already calling undergraduate admissions multiple times, but no avail, as no one was picking up that line. Anyways, after we all had small talk, I went back to calling and calling the department’s office until I decided to keep walking.

When I was waiting for the bus today, I met with my younger sister, who was sitting with her boyfriend. And she was sitting with him and I was sitting next to her with her backpack in between us. And they were laughing and kissing and the three of us were talking. Meanwhile, I was staring at this other old high school classmate of mine who was standing a ways from us. To be honest, I’m not jealous of my sister and her relationship. It just makes me miss my ex-boyfriend. I also feel like I’m a third wheeler when I’m with my sister and her boyfriend and I feel a little uncomfortable and self-conscious. Today was one of those days.

Aside from my walk, I would say my day was pretty uneventful. Did a few math problems, solved some in a group. I was the only girl trying to solve the problem in a group of five of us. And I felt kinda unneeded as we had all solved the problem at the same time and someone was already in the midst of explaining it. I had a good exercise class today. I learned that some graduate programs pay for you to learn and research. And I also learned a little bit about ballet classes that I keep contemplating if I want to take.

Yesterday, I told him I was going to have  a lot of breaks in the day, next semester in my schedule. I said I would have a lot of time to explore. And he asked if I was afraid and then he said something sarcastic about high crime rate (which of course he doesn’t really know about). And to be honest, I was a little afraid before, but I’m more excited than anything else. And I think I am even less afraid because he asked me if I was afraid. Does that make sense? Since he thought I would be afraid, I actually feel less afraid. I’m excited.

I am really excited to transfer. Looking back, I could’ve transferred with him and we would’ve went to school together. But once I got accepted, I thought about how sad it would be to be apart from him, but I also realized where I really wanted to go and it was not the same school he was going to. I was accepted to a big university and the more I thought about it out loud with my family and the more I thought about it with myself, the more I felt that was the decision for me.

Anyways, I went off on a tangent. Today is alright. A little boring, but alright. On Friday the 13th’s of the past, I usually  have really great days or really bad days. And today is neither of those.

When He Finally Answered My Phone Calls…

I was exercising this morning and I was trying to construct how I wanted to message him because at that moment this morning, I really felt like telling him something. After the class ended, I was like ‘why don’t I just call him up’.

So I went over to the spot where I usually make my calls and I dialed him. He didn’t answer the first call, so I tried again. And I was surprised when he picked up and we started to have conversation. We were ourselves, like always. We were sarcastic, we joked, we laughed.

And we just talked about how everything’s been going and it felt really good. I felt like crying. And I don’t know if that was out of sadness because I missed him that much or because I was so happy that he answered. I was really happy that we talked and I told him that. I knew I missed him a lot, but I did not know that talking to him again would actually make me cry. I might’ve actually said that out loud. Knowing me, I probably did. When it comes to him, I don’t feel embarrassed about anything, I really just anything that’s in my head.

We talked a little bit how my classes were going. We talked about how got accepted to the university he applied to. We talked about the classes I was signing up for next semester when I transfer, how he hasn’t been allowed to pick his classes yet. We talked about the tv show we were watching together, what we thought of the last season.

I told him I missed him and he told me he missed me too.

We talked about how yes, we’ve been doing fun things. We did not go into detail; he told me he wanted to be vague about it. (Honestly, I know why: he would’ve told me, I would’ve made up some argument that wouldn’t have made sense and he probably hadn’t done anything wrong to begin with that made for an argument. All he’s been probably been doing is seeing his friends, that are boys and girls, but not anything actually worth arguing about.) To be real though, he can do what he wants, I mean, I can’t stop him and I already know he’s not doing anything weird or fooling with some other girl. The only thing that matters is that he hasn’t moved on.

I asked him if he was seeing anyone. And he made fun of me for how smoothly I made the transition in our conversation to that topic. He told me to calm down. And that’s when I realized I sounded kinda crazy because we just ended our relationship, like really ended it, like a month ago. And I don’t remember the exact words he said, I think he said no, he wasn’t seeing anyone. All I know is in the end of that part of the conversation, I knew that he wasn’t seeing anyone. And I know for sure he said that because I wouldn’t have continued to have such a happy conversation with him afterwards if he had. So no, he is not seeing anyone right now.

We talked about that giraffe I was making him, even thought I have yet to actually tell him it’s a giraffe. At the moment, he knows that it’s a doll that needs eyes, and that the eyes were expensive because of shipping. And he told me no gifts, he wouldn’t accept. And I told him, I think, that he had too. It was really cute. And I made it a big heart.

I asked him if we were still doing that thing at the end of November. At first, he didn’t know what I was talking about, but then he realized what I had meant. And we went back a little and reminisced of how two years ago we agreed we would meet each other at our spot two years from that day, even though we were broken up. And he asked me if I still had that bus transfer where I wrote it down. And we talked abut that for a little. To be honest, I just wasn’t going to show up. But we talked about it a little without saying if we were going to actually do it.

He reminds me that I have to leave to start work. (Earlier on, I told him I was on my way, but I would go late because no one says anything when I show a little late. And I wanted to talk to him, so I would go a little late today). And so I kidded and said ‘oh, I wasn’t sure how I was gonna get him off the phone. And he said I would’ve just kept talking. To be honest, probably. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get myself off the phone. I really missed talking to him and I was so happy that we were talking at that moment. A few minutes past the time I said I was going to talk to, he reminds me that I have to go to work.

I asked if we could see each other and he told me no. He didn’t think we should see each other. I told him I didn’t know when we would have time to see each other. And so I asked when would we see each other and he told me he didn’t know. And so I said I didn’t know either. And so I said please. And he said okay, we would meet on that day we told each other we would meet each other, that day we were agreed two years before. We went over those details again (And I guess I remember the details so well because I look at that bus transfer every once in a while when I’m cleaning through my drawer). He asked me if I could make that day and I said I thought I could. And he told me to call him the day before and remind him, and he thought that I probably would end up calling him anyways to remind him. That day is about two weeks from today. (I am not actually sure if I can go.)

Meanwhile, I am on the other side of the phone, saying ‘I love you, alright’. And he’s still talking. And so I mumble it into the phone again, and he says he can’t hear me, the phone’s breaking up, and he cannot hear me. And so I say ‘I love him, alright’ louder. And he tells me he loves me too. And so I think I say I love him again. And he says he loves me too. And I say bye and he says bye in that voice where he’s trying to be cute and funny at the same time.

It was nice to talk to him and tell him that I missed him and to hear that he missed me too. And it was nice to tell him I love him and to hear him say he loves me too. It was only this morning, but it already feels like I imagined him saying that he loves me too. (And no, it wasn’t a dream, something I made up. He really did say that he loves me too). Anyways, it was really nice.

Googling “How To Get Your Ex to Talk to You Again”

So let me take this moment to make fun of myself. There are a number of reasons:

This morning I was very bothered that he friended his friend Z on Facebook. I was bothered that he friended the girl I already knew was his friend. Yeah, that was kinda weird for me to be all mad and bothered about.

I am also bothered that we haven’t  had a real conversation in over a month. And I guess that’s my fault. We’re supposed to be giving each other space and I contact him at least once a week. So hey, maybe we would’ve been talking by now, but honestly, I know I keep bothering him.

I wanted to donate blood today because I wanted to. And I think it’s been one of things I’ve wanted to do. And I also slightly felt like maybe I would run into him also donating his blood. And so I was going to donate blood but I felt like I was going to be underweight. To be honest, I was going to donate blood without even checking my weight because I kinda did want to run into him. But my senses got the better of me and I made the smarter choice of getting myself weighed this morning and I was underweight for donating blood.

Well, anyways, after feeling all bothered about this morning with his Facebook, this afternoon I was thinking about him and I googled how to get your ex to talk to you again, which lead me to this site :getyourexbackpermanently.com. And reading the article actually made me feel better.

Reading this article made me feel  like I was 13 again and reading a chapter in this book I got from the library about the different stages of a breakup. And reading this article also brought me back to, I guess, another time where we broke up and I was reading articles like “How to Get Your Ex Back”. If I’m not mistaken, it was from the same website as this one. Anyways, the point is, there is no point. Him and I have broken up before. One time I broke up with him for like two months or was it three and I kept telling him I didn’t want tog et back together and we would see each other still and he would say he loved me. But now it’s his turn of dragging out a breakup (again) (like we’ve broken up and made up so many times with each other; it’s exhausting) and who knows how this pans out.

Back to the article I read today:

Maybe we’re in the middle of Reason 1 and Reason 2, the one where I keep smothering him and the one where we have the no contact rule. And honestly I doubt there’s another girl, so yes, we fall between Reason 1 and Reason 2. And after reading it, I just felt a lot better about us. Because the more I actually put it isn’t perspective, it wont be forever until we talk again. And I know once we have our time apart, we’ll feel a lot better about ourselves and each other.

And I know missing him is a bitch and watching him go back to being friends with people I didn’t want him to makes me mad, but I need to let go a little. This is a phase. And I know one day we’ll get back together, but right now we’re in the no contact period. And part of that reason was because I kept calling and texting and messaging and just bothering him. And this no contact period is no surprise, we talked about this a month ago when he told me we should get space from each other. And of course, I kept contacting him still at least once a week. But of course I need to stop. The no contact period only works if we both stop talking and we both give each other space, which means I got to stop talking too.

So I feel a little like laughing and poking fun at myself for going through such extents as to googling myself out of my situation, thinking that google solves my problems. And maybe it kinda did. And it did make me feel a lot better.

Turning a New Leaf

The thought of him bothers me. The thought that I asked him to do something next Tuesday bothers me. The fact that I thought it was okay to ask him that and the fact that I know he will not answer me bothers me. Everything about him bothers me. That he broke up with me through text bothers me. That his friend Z and him will probably transfer to the same college together, the same university that me and him call “our place” bothers me. That we saw each other after and messed around and liked it and said that we love each other, bothers me. That it would’ve been two years by now bothers me. That I consider our relationship to be about a year and 11 months, counting the times we saw each other after the breakup, bothers me. The thought that he’s the first thought when I wake up and the last thought before I go to bed bothers me. That I think about him in that way bothers me. That we kissed in all the hallways and stairwells bothers me. It all kinda bothers me.

And I am still okay.

Honestly, I asked if he would like to do something next Tuesday and I know even if he doesn’t say anything and he won’t, I’m going to be fine. Screw him for not wanting to do something. He will remember and I will remember that I was sweet and I loved him fully the entire time, all the way to the end. We’ll remember that I held on and I was crazy in love with him. And he will remember and I will remember that he chose to act like asshole. And he will feel horrible about it when he looks back. And yes I miss him, but I’m pretty fine being alone.

And sometimes I feel a little empty inside without him and sometimes I feel like I’m going through the motions instead of living fully, but ultimately, I feel better without him. Yes, there are times throughout the day, I long for him and I hate him and I love him all the same. And yeah, I cry a little, inside and out. But without him, I feel like a better person. I feel nicer. I feel more reliable. I feel like I have my shit together. And I feel more stable. I don’t feel emotionally unstable. I don’t feel like a slob expressing my feelings. I feel more happy.

And without him, I feel more open and I feel more free to things that are coming my way. I feel like I’ve given myself permission to say yes to things. I don’t know if that makes sense. But I’ll try my best to explain. With him, I always felt like I was unconsciously and consciously planning my life around him. I would pick my classes and try to account for breaks to be with him or just try and find time when I could anticipate being with him. I would worry about us. In terms of transferring, I would worry so much about that: when we would see each other, when he could come and see me, when I could maybe see him, how would we tell my parents, what about the girls he meets, what if I meet someone, when we would find the time to hold our relationship together without imploding, the list goes on… And now since we’re not together, that weight of worries is gone. And now I feel more open to just making my schedule around me.

I feel more open to exploring and wandering and having adventure. And I also feel scared because I’m going to be on my own. When we were together, I just felt like he protected me, even when he wasn’t there. In some ways, this made me fearless, but in another sense, it made me feel weak. Because I was always relying on him to fight for me (even if there were no battles to be fought), it meant I couldn’t be strong by myself. So relying on him made me fragile and being detached from him made me fearful. And the silly thing is I shouldn’t be afraid and scared, I’m a very strong person. To be completely honest, I’m much more stronger in all my ways without him.

So if anything, he was holding me back. He disliked my natural curiosity. He wasn’t exactly crazy about my love for education and how there were so many things to learn. He liked adventure, but he didn’t like exploring. And he was curious, but only to an extent. He was lazy and depended only on luck. He didn’t have the drive I thought he had; he was just lucky. and there were times I thought he gave me the little push I needed, but I’m starting to think maybe those weren’t little nudges from him: that was all me. I pushed myself into going where I was supposed to go. I’m my achievements. No that wasn’t him making me strong, that was me and everyone else that supported me. No, that wasn’t him at all.

My world is getting too big for me to worry about him.

And so now I feel more excited to grab what I want and to be who I want. And I feel more comfortable being myself. And I feel good about being curious. And I feel more excited for what’s coming. And I feel like exploring and adventuring and being my own person without him. And I feel like growing up and becoming someone great. And I feel more free.

There will be a day when he wants me back, but today is not that day. And that is okay. Because while the days are passing, I will become one of his biggest regrets. And I know that for sure. Because I’m going to be someone great.

And so with that, I am turning new leaves for myself. My life is too amazing to feel sad. Tonight and every day after, I am choosing not to be anything but happy because I deserve no less than happy.

Putting Myself In Order

Honestly, I’m feeling pretty stressed right now. I feel like I have a lot of stuff to do and I can’t fully figure out what’s so stressful.

I need to: make some fliers, sign up for my classes, fill out a scholarship application

Making Some Fliers: technically, I’m almost done with this. I’m getting some help with this and they should be done by tomorrow night.

Signing Up for Classes: Again, I’m getting some help with this one. And I have a pretty good idea of what I need to. I now just need to figure out why I can’t open up my email, but I already figured out my add date. I’m just thinking about what my third class will be and where I need to enter the code.

Scholarship Application: Not extremely bad. I have to make a resume though.

So today was running smoothly until I saw him when I was trying to run into him. And no real surprise, I ran into him. And while I did kinda think he had dropped the class, it shouldn’t have actually been surprising running into him if that was my purpose there. We passed each other right when I was leaving. It was a little weird.

Later on, I was doing fine, sitting down and reading, when I was like fuck it. I’m just gonna call. So I called a few times. And when I began to think my calls were being screened and forwarded, he answered. Since I didn’t anything at first, I said ‘echo’ because I thought it was a glitch. But then he said hello. And I realized I didn’t have much to say except ‘how are you?’. And he told me if I didn’t need help and if I wasn’t in danger or whatnot, then he was going to go. And so I said it’s been almost a month, it’s been a long time since we talked. And then I asked if he was still there. It was then I realized that he had hung up. Maybe, I tell myself, maybe my earring hit the receiver and I hung up. But hey, he hung up on me. Meanwhile, I noticed this one guy walking near and I begin to feel self-conscious and I pick myself up real quick, like I wasn’t falling apart. I was about to cry a little, when I stopped myself. To calm myself, I just read a few pages of my book and wrote a little bit. After that, I was good.

And of course, being me, this afternoon, I messaged him to say I was sorry. And that I missed him.

Currently though, I am stressed, writing this, procrastinating. I could do the fliers for a little bit, then look through my classes. I just need to breathe and sort it all out. Usually during times like these, I call him and vent and maybe we cuddle some time throughout the week, then I feel better, I feel balanced. But now, I’ve been trying more on my own. And it’s hard. It’s hard.

Well, I’m going to forge through and get shit down now. I miss him, but I have things to do now. I have things to do. I need to keep myself busy to move forward.

The Giraffe

Random pieces of information. I’ve been doing alright without speaking to him. The last time I tried to contact him was Wednesday, where I called once late at night, only to get his voicemail. To be real, I was just gonna hear him say ‘hello?’ and then I was gonna hang up. Anyways, I called without *82ing, but he probably knew it was me.

So I’ve been doing alright. Today, in fact, will be day four. And I’m feeling pretty good. Minus the part where I looked up that friend of his, Z (and although she has a boyfriend that she’s really in love with) and felt pretty mad because I think she’s kinda like a whore. Okay, maybe she’s not, but her pictures don’t make me think any better of her. So she’s supposed to consider my ex-boyfriend one of her best friends, and seeing her picture kinda made me mad. I mean, the girl’s with someone, but that could also mean, my ex-boyfriend also hangs out with her. And although they’ve never done anything weird with each other, it just makes me feel a little insecure. I mean, I know I’m pretty and I’m a whole lot smarter and all the other things that girls compare with one another, but seeing her pictures and thinking of her hanging out with him as friends, makes me feel pretty frazzled. And I know comparing is bad, but I know I’m better. And even though they are just friends, it makes me feel mad.

Okay, not let me cut back to how good I’ve actually been, instead of obsessing over made-up worries. So I was in the midst of writing him a letter the other day of all the reasons why I loved him, and although it was getting a bit repetitive, it was making me a bit sad. I know when I’m writing a good letter, when I feel tears when I write it. And that’s how I was feeling, so I stopped writing it. I’ll pick up where I left off with it later.

So two days ago, I started crocheting him a giraffe just because. And I know okapis are his favorite animal, but would he really recognize a crocheted okapi? Probably not. And his other favorite is zebras. But I didn’t have black string. And besides, the cutest pattern for that cost money. So I decided to make his next favorite animal, the giraffe. Also, he reminds me of a giraffe. Aside from him being really tall, there were a few times when I was feeding him some food, and he kinda reminded me of a giraffe. And now, I’m in the process of making him a giraffe just because I want to. And to be honest, I really love the giraffe. I even made him a big heart that will go inside of him when I stuff him. I’m really excited to make it for him. And I know we’re both supposed to take this time to be away from each other and to try and move on and whatnot, but I really love that I’m making him the giraffe. And he doesn’t even know. We haven’t really spoken to each other  for almost a month.

So I’m doing pretty well. My days are full. I’m keeping busy. And sometimes the though of him makes me sad, but I just move forward. It’s all good. I can’t say I’m not happy because I am. And I miss him wildly and his name feels a little foreign on my tongue, but we’ll see each other soon. And while their are parts of my day where I just feel so angry with him, the feeling just comes then goes. We broke up because he broke up with me. And I was gonna break up with him at the end of that week, but he beat me and broke up with me. We were unhappy. And we couldn’t get along. And we kept arguing for no reason. And while we loved each other a lot, we constricted each other from growing.

So maybe we don’t get back together right away, maybe it take patience and time. And I have that. And maybe we need to grow and explore and see new things and have more experiences. And maybe we don’t fit together now, but that doesn’t discount later. Maybe we need time before we grow into each other. We don’t fit together now, but later we’ll find a way. We need to grow first. And I’m okay with all of that.