The Height of Cuddling Season: All by Myself

Sitting here trying to figure out how the hell I feel about us. On one hand, I’m sitting here, getting more mad by the second, over every damn thing he’s done wrong, like when he accidentally called me S’s name. On the other hand, I’m sitting here, staring at my phone, wondering if I should call him to hear his voice and hang up.

Honestly, I don’t know how to feel. I do not know what side I want to pick, ignoring him for life or just forgiving him.

Since I do not feel fully inclined to do either of those, I guess I will just do nothing.

If I did talk to him, I know I would just be super bipolar, nice one day, mad at him the next for the same reason I’m writing this post.

He sent me a text this afternoon, around 1, saying “Sweetheart I really miss you, can we please talk or hangout”.

And I didn’t respond.

Part of me is still a little mad about how we broke up for those three months because he wasn’t sure what he wanted, of how he kissed that girl. I told myself that when we got back together, I would make him pay, for all those times he wouldn’t talk to me, for all those times I wrote him to get no response, for all those times I said I wanted us to be together and he told me no. And I told myself I  would make him pay without knowing what that meant. I wasn’t sure I meant financially or just emotionally or both or just ‘pay’ in all the ways that could possibly be interpreted.

Another part of me is mad about this entire S thing. Of how he told her that he loved her a month after he said I love you to me for the first time. Of how I looked at her blog a little while after that and found she reposted this picture of Ron and Hermione in the hospital, like you know, that time Ron called Hermione’s name instead of his girlfriend’s name. And I am mad for all those times we argued about S and he told me he liked her before, but I was the only one he loved. How I was the only girl. And yes, I was the only girl, but shit, he told her that he loved her. And I fucking hate that. I am mad that when we started out he still kinda liked S but then he started falling for me, which I found out much later in our relationship, but damn I didn’t know he loved her. I mean, I guess I could understand how he still kinda ‘liked’ her when we started, I mean I liked this one other boy too for the longest, but then I ran into this guy here and fell for him. But damn, I respect our relationship too much to tell the other boy that I was in love with him. I hate how we argued about her on and off for the entire first year, of how he wouldn’t delete her old Facebook messages when I asked him to. ( I broke up with him for that one). I hate this entire S thing.

So I promised him the other day, before he admitted to saying that he did profess his love to her back that first March when we began, that I wouldn’t get mad. And I guess I said that because maybe, you know, he would’ve just told me he didn’t do anything like that. But he did, and now I don’t really know what to say to that.

I could scream at him and yell mean things. I could just go off through texts with countless questions and I did hat for a little bit a few days ago when I found out, only to apologize right after. And now, I realize I don’t actually have anything to say.

And yes I keep staring at my phone and checking my email, waiting for him to say more things, anything, just so I can see that he cares about me. I want to see him fight for me. And I want to see him so scared and worried over the thought of losing me that he panics, just like I did when I thought I was about to lose him.

I don’t know how long I will do this for, the waiting to see how I feel part. because yeah, I miss him and love him and all, but I am so frustrated about all this. I used to love our beginning and I used to love our story, now when I think about it, it doesn’t feel as good as it used to be. Did he even love me in the beginning? I hate that I’m even asking that question to myself.

I put so much love into this relationship. I pulled him back when we were shaky and held on to him even when he wasn’t very lovable because I love him. And he stayed with me because he loved me too, right? That’s why he stays with me, because he loves me too, right? Not because I’m some sort off rebound, not because I’m some sort of convenient consolation prize, right? Not just because she said no, right? Because he really loved me in the beginning, right? Because he genuinely loves me, right?

I’m a broken damn record tonight, replaying the same tune to myself.

I need to take a breather. Let him miss me for awhile. I don’t deserve this.

I feel a bit bad about all this though, I hate being mean to him. I hate ignoring him, I never go too long without speaking to him. I usually talk to him all the time, blowing up his phone all the time, just to say ‘what’re you doing honey?’ or ‘goodnight I love you’ or just any random thought because I’m bored. And so I realize that without me doing that, he probably does miss me, as he notices my absence through a mostly now silent phone.

And so I feel a little bad about what I’m about to do. The longest I ever left him alone, is I’m gonna say a week or maybe 10 days. A week sounds too long time and 10 days sounds like ages, but honestly, I feel like I’m gonna take a while this time around.

Because I do want to forgive him, but I don’t know how. And I want to forget that this happened, but that’s fucking hard. There are people who know and I feel embarrassed for how outrightly I loved him. And I want to go back to the moment where it was nice and comfortable between us, when we were wrestling in bed, when we were singing the PiñaColada song in the car hella loud, with the windows rolled down. Before I knew about any of this old shit.

But now knowing what I know now, it feels like it changes everything.

I wonder if he’ll wait for me to sift this all through in my mind because I don’t know how long I’m gonna be.

Reminding myself: When I told him to stay away

We were cool last night after I apologized for acting like a crazy asshole for the last three days. And we said goodnight and we said ‘I love you’ and we talked for a few.

Honestly, I just apologized to him because he asked why was I acting like he didn’t love me. Like the last two weeks we’re great. Like we haven’t gotten along better than we did our entire relationship.

(For the record it’s been like three weeks. And yes, everything he said was true, but he wasn’t saying anything about why he told that girl he loved her. He was just distracting me from what I was saying.)

And I thought maybe I would just try and be happy because we were great. honestly, we’re really great right now. He’s being super honest with me. He’s doing nothing wrong. He isn’t even mad that I looked through his Facebook because I was bored.

The truth is we’re kinda perfect together when it comes to compatibility and chemistry and all that stuff. Like probably no one knows this, but when we’re together, we’re really cute. Sure, we look different and our height difference is laughable (an entire foot and a half) and all I do is complain about him, but we’re really great together. We share the same humor, minus some of his puns. We enjoy each other’s company. We have fun conversation. And we’re really good in bed together. And we are not ashamed in front of each other, we’re really comfortable. And honestly, we’re really in love. And we love each other a lot. And damn, we have never been so strong. Honestly, we just reached a new peak of our relationship, a little bit like smooth sailing, kinda like we were a sure thing. That’s how much I knew about us. We weren’t gonna break up for shit.

But fuck it. Because I hate how he told that girl that he loved her a month after he said he loved me. I hate that I thought he was falling in love with me when really he was thinking about some other girl. And I know that this all almost two years old, but I hate it. Because those moments with him were some of our sweetest moments. Our first kiss, our first Valentines day, second base moving to third, those sweet messages, our laughter. What the fuck?

And so I finally told my sister the entire story because it’s been bothering me for the last few days. And I finally told my friend most it. And while my sister thinks I should break up with him and my friend thinks I should just hold onto him and wait until he feels comfortable talking about, I don’t know what I want to do.

Maybe I wouldn’t have sent him the following message if he had just called me this morning like I thought he was going to.

So I just left  him this text at 11:20 this morning:

“Honestly, I am still very frustrated about the S thing. And  I question why you even told me that you love me if you loved her. And you stayed with me and maybe that’s because she told you no. And you don’t want to talk about it with me. So let’s not talk for a while and I mean it this tme. I don’t know how to feel about the beginning of our relationship. And I don’t know how to feel about us considering the beginning doesn’t feel as real for you as it was for me. Im sorry Z, but I hate that you did that. So you take care for now. I love you very  much, but I don’t want tot hear from you until I feel better about you. Please understand.”

Damn I love that boy. And I feel sad that he did that. And I feel mad. And I feel betrayed.

And I feel sorry that I am about to be cold. Because I love him and I don’t want to be mean to him. But I have to let him know it was wrong. And that it makes me doubt him and our relationship.

Fuck, we were amazing last week. And I keep thinking about it. I felt so great last week. And we were so happy. And our relationship was so strong. Hey, it still is right now. I just have to pick where I want to be.

And now, I don’t know what to think. And I don’t know what I want to do. Because finding this out hurt me and makes me feel incredibly unsure if I want to stay. Honestly, it feels a little embarrassing for how much I loved him. And all those memories from before, that I want to recall but not with much clarity, do not taste as sweet as they once were.

 

The Type Of ‘I Love You’, Maybe it no longer matters

Do you know what confuses me?

Well, it’s still getting me. That he told that girl S he loved her in our fourth month of going out, like a month after he said he loved me for the first time.

And I guess it doesn’t matter because hell, we’ve been together for over two years. And maybe, like he said, I’m making a bigger deal about this conversation that it actually was. But still, I’d like to know why. Was this a small-I-love-you that you say in passing to friends you love, or was it a whole-hearted-I-love-you, the kind you say with passion to your lover or soon-to-be-lover, or was it a sad-I-love-you (read: I have a girlfriend that I love, but yeah, you know I love you too), was it one of those?

Perhaps, it doesn’t matter, as he obviously just loves me now. And he’s obviously remained committed to me. but you know, I’m a curious bastard and I kind of just want to know because not knowing bothers the crap out me.

So it confuses me how he could have done that. I remember us during that time in our relationship. The emails are sweet as hell. Us together was amazing. And when we kissed, I felt crazy. And he loved me and he was in love with me.

Honestly, he loves me more than anything now and we’re really great. I’m obviously just discontent sometimes. Like sometimes I feel a little scared that he is not meant for me, like I feel so lucky to have him that maybe it’s a wonderful mistake that he’s mine and that he stays and that he accepts when I act crazy.

But I do not understand why he told her that he loved her when he obviously loved me at the time. Because no, it wasn’t just an act that he loved me, he was and I knew it. And he was in love with me too. So you know, I just don’t understand.

So he told her. Why did he stay with me? Did she tell him ‘no, it can’t be’ or no, she doesn’t love him? Did he say he loves her, but that he loves he loves me too and he cannot choose her? Did he just say ‘I love you’ and that was it? They just continued on as if it was regular conversation? Did he say ‘I love you’ and then it was realized that he chose to move on and love me?

Am I just misreading everything and maybe he just said he liked her, but loved me? I have no fucking clue and it is slightly bothering me.  I wanted to say this was grinding my gears, but I do not really take this so comically. I don’t even know if I take this lightly, it just makes me feel a little unsteady and disappointed in him.

Maybe I am making this a bigger deal than it is. I mean, we’ve been together for a long time that the things that happened before are a thing of the past. I know he loves me and only me, so maybe it’s just me and I’m  confused why he stays at all. I guess he really has loved me all this time.

But as much as I ask, he doesn’t want to talk about it. So I am turning off my phone.

Actually, I just hid it in my drawer.

 

Going Through His Facebook (In Secret)

To those of you reading, you’re probably all thinking, ‘Damn this girl doesn’t know when to quit’. True enough.

Out of boredom, I went into my boyfriend’s deactivated Facebook and just looked through everything. Admittedly, I guessed it was the old password and just looked at everything. Yes, I was looking for problems because I don’t know. At first, nothing was amiss, just that during our breakup he had looked up a few different girls, but he looked up S a few times (which didn’t matter too much because every once in a while I look up my old crushes too when I’m a little bored). And I was like who cares? Hell, he didn’t even look up the Halloween girl. So I was feeling stupid there for a while, looking through a bunch of nothing. Hey, I even found this old conversation that I had read once before and then remembered it again with secret joy. His best friend had asked how I was, a year into our relationship. And he had asked if he had told me he loved me yet. And he told him he said the ‘L’ word three months into our relationship.

And so I found this old conversation with his best girl friend D. This conversation took place a few months into when we first started dating. It starts where she is trying to figure out why he called her earlier. She mentions a time when they walked to her house together from the mall and he tells her no, he is not calling her to reminisce about this. His friend D then mentioned to him that she knew that he had just professed his love for other friend S. And he was like, wait hold on, how did she know that?

And then, as all cliffhangers happen in real life, the conversation ends.

To be real, maybe some people would’ve ignored this completely and not told their significant other that they were snooping all over their Facebook. Maybe other people would have been emotionally mature and just not mention it at all, especially when they’ve been in the relationship for over two years and when they know that this person really does love them.

Of course, being the nervous bastard I am, I bring it up. And we talked about it at 2 in the morning and he tells me yes, he did kinda tell her that he loved her. This was in the beginning of our relationship, four months in. No he said he didn’t cheat on me. That he was sorry, but haven’t we been dating for over two years.

And of course, I said dramatic things like I need time. And I said that maybe he didn’t love me. And you know, pretty much any dramatic thing you can think of at 2:00 in the morning.

After arguing today, he answered my questions. Hell, I even asked if I was a rebound. And he was like, a 2 year rebound? Really? Think about that one.  No he wouldn’t have left me if she had said she loved him. That he liked her, but loved me. Is that what I wanted to hear?

And yes, this did frustrate the hell out me, him telling her that he loved her. Because during this time, him and I, as far as  can remember, were really fucking sweet on each other. I have the emails. I remember us. And it was so sweet, the period where we were unraveling ourselves. Yes, admittedly, he once called me S’s name and then we just got over that. But other than that, we were still learning about each other, and even the bad parts, were great. We were amazing. Not as amazing as we are now, but the kind of amazing that I had unknowingly been waiting for. How amazing is it to graduate high school and go on and date the most popular boy in your class, to have him all to yourself? That initial feeling was the best.

And that first year, we had hella bumps. So many bumps that it frustrates me and makes me mad. Or just heavily annoyed with him.

But to be honest, I think he really did love me that first year. He was very in love with me. I know he was, I was there. A few months after that, he told me he could spend the rest of his life with me. And honestly, I was arguing over nothing that entire first year and he loved me through all of that.

And now, two years later, I am gonna say we’ve been through almost everything. And fuck, he’s still with me. Like damn, he’s not even mad that I was on his Facebook. And yeah, maybe that makes me kinda creepy, but fuck, you know, he still loves me. And yes, we broke up for real that one time because I think he needed a break. But then we got back together.

And honestly, knowing that he’s still there, even though I throw like crazy curveballs randomly out of thin air, that’s how I know he loves me a lot and I know that this is real.

 

 

Being Bored with Myself

Honestly, I understand why he’s not answering me back. I think I’m being a pain in the ass right now. Like seriously, nothing was wrong and then I went and brought up the same questions I’ve been asking for the last three weeks. And then he got mad at me. Also, I’ve just been sitting here, trying to make up problems when I know deep down, nothing is actually wrong. Pretty much everything that’s ever been a problem has already been resolved, lies have already been unraveled, talked about, accepted, apologized for, made up for. Like I know he loves me and I love him and our relationship is really great, but I think it’s me.

Yeah, maybe the problem is just me making problems. I’m just mad at him right now for I don’t know what when I know nothing’s really wrong. I think I just don’t know how to be content with us being good right now. I just don’t know how to not worry or  how not think about shit that’s not real. Like I’m a little worried that he’ll never text back when I already know he will. Like right now, I’m just mad that he’s not texting me back even though I totally understand why he’s not. Honestly though, I just need something to do because me and him don’t actually have a real problem to argue about except that I cant shut up with my made up problems.

Fuck you know I’m sorry that I brought my made up problems up again like a broken record, but then again, I’m not sorry.

And I know he’ll eventually text back, either tonight or tomorrow when he’s over me being a pain in the ass. Wow, I’m just really bored right now. Maybe I’m just bored of me and my made up problems.

These Earrings, Unanswered Texts, and Other Random Worries

So now he’s not talking to me because he’s probably annoyed with me asking the same questions. And someone commented on an old post from a month ago, saying that my then-ex-boyfriend isn’t into me. And uggggh, then I texted him about it because it was making me mad, worrying that it’s true, when I already know he loves me a lot. I just feel really annoyed and a little frustrated right now. Like I know these earring he gave me, I know that he bought them for me as one of my Christmas gifts, but sometimes I make myself worry over the thought that maybe he didn’t mean to buy them for me, maybe he meant to buy them for someone other girl. But I know that’s made up. he’s annoyed with me continuously asking that question among other random, repeated questions that I know the answers too already. And I’m standing here with my made up worries racking my mind with a boyfriend who won’t text back because he’s annoyed with the unreal worries that pop out of nowhere. Maybe it’s better if I just leave him the hell alone for awhile before I go off out of nowhere with questions like ‘why didn’t we talk a week before we got back together? Why didn’t you answer my calls? Why did we even get back together? What made you change your mind when you were confused two weeks before that? Did you feel better after you thought about us for a week and half, during the time you didn’t show up for me?’

I am little scared with the thought of ‘what if never answers my texts back or calls me back during vacation and forgets me and ignores me on the purpose of never coming back?’

Shit, I jst need to breathe instead of panicking. It’s alright girl. It’s alright. You saw him yesterday morning. I need to calm my ass down and realize I worry myself over nothing all the time.

My Made-up Worry on Friday Night, even though I know it’s not real. Plus, I had a really good time with him this morning

So yes, I am very happy and I am vey calm and comfortable with my relationship.

But yes, as anyone would be, I am still obsessing about how mad I am over that Halloween girl. So like always, I will write and talk about it until I feel better about the situation.

Actually I spent a good amount of time looking her up on the internet, as any possessive girlfriend would. And on her friend’s Instagram, I found a picture of her lying on the bed in a seductive manner. This was a few days before my boyfriend and I got back together, I noticed from the date. And this was also the date he didn’t come and see me.

Okay, yeah, maybe I’m over-obsessing as maybe her girl friend took the picture or she was with her boyfriend at the time. Because yeah, did I mention the girl had a b0yfriend when my then-ex kissed her drunkenly at the party. Well,  I was sitting at home, wondering if these were the type of pictures she puts on her Snapchat. But why does that matter, you ask?

Because right before my boyfriend and I got back together he deleted all his social media. And when he reset his Snapchat, meaning that he lost her Snapchat in the process.

Now what if, we only got back together because he had a moment with her and was suddenly crushed when he asked her out a few days later and so, I don’t know, two weeks later, we began building our relationship. Then that week this picture was posted, he wasn’t talking to me. Then the week after, we got back together.

Maybe I’m crazy for connecting unconnected thoughts, meaning that for as long as I try to piece the puzzle together, it will never actually fit. Meaning that maybe I don’t have to try to figure everything out.

Like damn, cant I just accept that my boyfriend and I got back together because he missed me and that he loves me very much? Damn, maybe its really that simple and it isn’t because he was so devastated about this one little “hook up” that he came back to me. like woah, cant I just accept that he wants to be with me just because he loves being with me. Damn, maybe I just have insecurity issues.

Like damn girl, maybe he just deleted all his social media because he just felt like ti one day. Not because I suddenly make believe that some girl dared him to. Like it has nothing to do with S or any other girl. Like come on, your boyfriend just told you that he reopened his Facebook to watch his friend’s standup. like he just reopened it last night for that reason. Like fuck, maybe everything’s that simple.

Golly, I need to just accept that my boyfriend came back and that he loves me very much and that he puts up with all my crazy. Of all my crazy of opening up his accounts because he gave me his universal password, of all my cy when I make problems for no reason, of all my crazy researching every one of his friends and their friends.

I need to calm my ass down and breathe instead of texting him, accusing him and asking questions of things I already know the answers to. Like did he change that girl’s number to his friend’s name so I wouldn’t know? And was that really the last time you talked to her? Or you haven’t seen her, right?

Like fuuuuck, I already know the answers to all these questions. He made out with her in the kitchen. They had been drinking shots at the party. They never talked after that text where he asked her to hang out and she said she had a boyfriend. We deleted her number in the car after I read the messages. No, she didn’t mean anything. W got back together because he missed me and he loves me a lot.

Oh girl, there aren’t that many things to try and understand. It’s really quite simple.

Yes, he’s mad and frustrated that you keep asking the same questions because you already know the answers. And you know, he would never cheat on you.  You know they only made out and you truly do believe that. And you know he’s only slept with you. And you already know you’re the only girl.

To be real, him and I had a great time today. Two hours of us and our moods, of sitting together in the car talking about how the next few weeks will be strange because we won’t get to see each other since my parents don’t know and we’re on winter break. How  it will be okay, we’ll be okay. How he’ll be honest with me and we won’t cheat on each other. How we went over each of his friends that are girls and distinguished that he only views them as friends. How I tripped over D and how he agreed not to sleep over her house, when honestly, out of all those girls, I like her the best and how she’ll probably end up as bridesmaid at our wedding. Of how I can walk into his work, but he doesn’t like when I do. (And no he doesn’t have anything going on with his coworkers, I think he just wants to keep work professional. Maybe I am too much of a distraction). How we argued about things he told me willingly, okay, no I asked, but he told me. How we’re gonna be transferring to different schools, how I told him to try to fix his schedule so we’ll have one day a week for each other, when he can come and see me. How he will message me at midnight on New Years. How I cried on his arm and wiped my tears on his sleeve because I was gonna miss him. Of how I guess there was kissing, I was paying too much attention to everything so I could be in the moment with him. And of how we teased each other and play fought in the car and how I annoyed him with the same questions. Of how he told me he was proud of me for choosing to apply to that university and how amazing I was. And how the world thinks so too. Of how our conversation actually went everywhere and in writing this, I messed up the order of events in our talk. Of how we had to race back in time for me to get picked up.  Of how we high-fived when we both came upon the realization that we don’t go to community college anymore. And how we did our handshake one more time and I made him kiss me nicely before I left the car to get picked up.

I miss him already. And writing this makes me not mad at him. In fact, it just affirms how much I love him. And damn it, now I’m typing here with tears in my eyes, missing him even though I saw him this morning. And I got him mad a few hours ago. And damn, I even said sorry first.

Maybe I don’t know what I want. Maybe I need to take a breather from this relationship. Because fuck, I am so in love with him and missing him feels crazy. I don’t want to argue with him about made up things anymore. Damn it, I just want to love him.