Day Seven, Part Two: Alright

Isn’t it funny how a handful hours and writing can ease your mind? That’s how you feel right now.

Eased, accepting, and a little angry. But it feels a little better. Because you wrote. And you settled down. Now you feel calm.

It’s gonna be alright. Cue the Taylor Swift.

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Day Seven: Crazy, Sad, Angry, Accepting: Two Months

He has changed his password, as you can tell. And that has made you mad. Is he hiding something? He probably thinks your crazy, going through his stuff. he probably just realized that what you did there was wrong. Even though he knows what he’s been doing is wrong too. You know he changed it because you were feeling untrusting. So you tried first thing when you got home.

So now he won’t answer your calls. He called you back once. But what is once to your fifteen times? Your three voice mails, saying ‘call me back’. Your texts. Your emails. It’s nothing. Once means nothing. It means ‘Oh, wait. Maybe I shouldn’t call’.

I mean you called on this break. And yesterday he agreed. And he shook you. And you kissed and you were okay. So you should be fine now. Right? You should be fine now. So stop worrying. Stop sitting here and thinking he’s doing something wrong.

(Around twenty minutes later….)

You talked to him on the phone.He wasn’t okay. He thought you couldn’t do two months. It wouldn’t change anything. He says you’ll never get over it. You’ll always be jealous.He asked if you could hear yourself? You being all upset, asking for him to be with you when he was the one who fucked up. You said you’d forgive. You said you’d accept. You’d accept those friendships, that was how much you loved him. You just needed this time to be mad. He wanted to call it all off.  You keep saying two months. He keeps saying no. He even hung up once and called back again. And after much saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I promise’ and ‘please’ on your part, he agrees on two months. He is still going to talk to them.  You say that if that’s what it takes to love him, you accept, you want to be introduced. He says you can’t be the only girl in his life,why can’t he have friends? There will be other girls, but ‘why can’t you be the only one he loves’ he says to you. So you accept.  You promise, two months, no talking. He finally promises you two months. You say ‘I love you’, he says ‘I love you too’.

Two months. Two months. Time solves everything.

Day Six, Part Two: Slowly steeping the anger

We remember what we want to remember.

It’s all dawning at you at once.

All that time. When he wasn’t talking to you, he was talking to them. And all you knew, he wasn’t talking to you because he was busy or he was doing something not important. When you called that time and he said he was busy, you heard music. And that day, he was with one of them. And now, in the back of your mind that fucking bothers you. Not just that. It ALL fucking bothers you. One year, over one year.

And at first he said he didn’t feel guilty. And when you said ‘what about me, what about us?’. He said ‘what about you, what about us?’. And you said ‘what?’ and you turned away. And he did something, pulled you in or held your hand or maybe he just held you. He did something. And then suddenly all that guilt washed over him.

I mean, you know he didn’t cheat on you. And you know he doesn’t have feelings for them. And he was honest with you, for the most part, about everything. Things he just said willingly. And he didn’t tell you because you’d be hurt. But if he didn’t want to hurt you, then why’d he do it at all? And he called you selfish? What the hell?

And all that time he said you were insecure and paranoid. You were right to be so. He was a fucking a liar.

So for now.You’re not going to talk to him. You’ve never been so mad, so disappointed in him.

And you want him still You still want him around. You love that boy. So you will take this break with stride. All your anger and hate and sadness and hurt will fade. And it’ll subside. And then you can go on loving him without that bitterness.

This is what a real break is. This is why couples take breaks. Now you understand.

Day Six: Tired, but calmer

You feel a lot better now. He said that he did love you when you asked him what he said the other day was true. And knowing that, you broke him down and made him guilty.

You told him to ruin himself so you wouldn’t be in love with him anymore.

Now that you got to talk about it all. You feel exhausted, but calm. Not shaky, not jittery, not angry. Just something resembling being at peace. That talk though. You waited that one out. Calmed him down. You yelled and everything. Admitted your wrongs and told him you know about his. And even though what he told you was wrong, you’re happy that he was finally honest. It took him awhile though. And you told him what you did. And although it was crazy, he wasn’t too mad. Instead he felt stupid because he was wrong. And he was. About so many things, things you didn’t even know about. And now you’re mad and untrusting about that too. At least he told you though. Most of it. Until you had to yank the rest out of him by telling him you already knew.

And in time, you’ll simmer down. Inside you’re extremely disappointed in him. And you don’t know what you want from him. He really, really fucked up. Fucking idiot. Fucking liar. And yet, you still want him. You still love him. So as you walked away, you turned back. You said something unintelligible like do you want t this way. Did he want me go? Something like that.  And he said no. And then you stopped and looked at him, And he said don’t say it. But you said it anyway. Break, let’s break. And he said okay. You said three months. He said take all the time you need. And you two shook on it and had one very good kiss.

You told him no, he can’t be friends with them. And he said to be honest, he wanted you and them in his life. And you said no, choose. He didn’t want to. And you said you wanted this break. He said he didn’t want to call this a break. And you said you wanted to. So on the bus ride home, he said he didn’t want to choose. So you said he didn’t choose you. And he said something like he didn’t say that. So you said two months. And then he hesitated, and realized that what you did was a bit crazy. And you said he was a liar. So you said two months. And then once again, you two shook on it. That funny, odd handshake that isn’t the most original.

You never thought you could love someone this much. You didn’t think you were capable of loving him through something like this. But here you are. And you still do love him. Wow, look at you. You really do love that boy.

And right now, you’re too tired to entirely process you’re frustration. But at least you feel calm. And that calm feels nice. And right now, you feel at peace knowing that he is still there.

You don’t know exactly what this is, but at least all feels a bit right.

Day Five, Part Two: Sad, but Okay

You saw him today. He was working. You passed by several times, remembering times just like this when you were younger and you were trying to get the attention of a different boy years ago.

And at that last moment, you think you  made eye contact as you went up the escalator. And it felt rather long even though it was only a few seconds. And with that, you felt very sad.

You know, it’s alright to feel sad. You love him, but what he did wasn’t okay. And you’re sitting here and flashes of what he did burst into your mind and it angers you once again. And it weighs you down. The thought of it feels so heavy from time to time. It’s only been a few days since you’ve known, but it keeps hitting you.

And part of you feels like maybe its not over. Because you love him so much that this brief week without him makes you feel lost. And you feel like forgiving and accepting friendship because you miss him so much. Life’s already feeling bland without him. The future feels dull and boring and straightforward without him.

But how much do you love him?

Enough to sacrifice your self-respect and pride?

I suppose what scares you is either the belief you are making the best decision of your life or, the worst.

Day Five: Better

You feel a little bit better today. Better, cleaner, fresher. More calm. Maybe it’s the weather. Or maybe because you wrote so much yesterday and this morning. I mean, you’re still hurt. You’re still obsessing. You didn’t deserve that. But one step at a time. Breathe. It’ll get better. You’re going to make yourself feel a whole lot better than he ever did. Not necessarily a new you, but well, a new, better you.

Day Four, Part Four: Damn that boy

After he started replying, you felt better. Like you could breathe easier. He really has a hold on you. And you know. You know that even though you said you weren’t in love with him anymore, you still are.

And when you do see him, he’ll see it in your eyes. Your eyes will betray you first. Your eyes will say ‘I love you’ before the words ever leave your mouth. You don’t really stand a chance, but you have to say what you need to say.

He did you wrong. You love him no matter what, but he did you wrong.