The Week in Review, So Far

Well, I’m upset right now.

I have a boyfriend that doesn’t want to talk to me all the time. And I mean most of the time. I feel like we never really spend any time together because he just doesn’t want to be with me.

What does that mean?

He can spend Monday with me. When I say he can spend Monday with me, I mean, he can spend 2 hours with me. And I mean, one hour at a time.

He cannot wait for me on Tuesday and barely talks to me because he’s working. He thinks I talk too much.

He feels annoyed to see me on Wednesday. He avoids seeing me and tells me he doesn’t want to hang out. But no, he’d love to do something on Thursday. By the end of the day, he doesn’t want to talk to me. He doesn’t want to see me Thursday because he is mad that I always want to talk to him so much, that I want to spend time with him.

He doesn’t want to see me on Thursday. He’s mad at me for calling him. And no, I can’t come over. Not because he’s leaving to buy the car at that moment, but because he doesn’t want to see me.

And relaying all this makes me upset. Like what the hell am I doing here? Forcing the issue on a boy that’s not jumping through hoops and going out of his way to see me. No, he just doesn’t give a fuck. He says we’re not going anywhere, that there will be other times, times for us to be together, but he’s taking all of it for granted.

So now, I don’t give a fuck. And I’m mad now too. And he’s not answering back to me at all. And who the fuck really knows what he’s doing? I don’t know. So now I don’t care.

And I don’t care if he comes to graduation. I don’t even know if he’ll come for sure. He’s so fucking fleeting. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care. I don’t care.

He won’t be hearing from me.

I can’t sit here waiting for him to not show up all the fucking time.

Back on Track

When you’re up late at night, messaging your boyfriend. And then you realize, after everything, you’re still in love with him. And you love him like crazy. And you love that you stayed through it all. Because you’re so happy that you could cry.

Yesterday & a 9 o’clock call

And so it goes…

I just yell at him through messaging about yesterday. And he tells me about the errands he ran. And how yesterday he just wanted to go home, but then he had to run those errands.

And then I apologized for being all paranoid.

And I we said I love you and all that. He said what he was doing tonight. And all was well.

I called him up because I haven’t talked to him on the phone this late at night (like 9 at night). And I called him up. I know he’s out right now since he literally just told me through messaging, so I know he can’t actually talk. So he said he would talk to me later. He said it felt weird for me to be calling this time. When I asked if it was bad, he said it wasn’t.  I guess to me it doesn’t feel weird to call him at night. I guess it feels a little different. I feel kind of indifferent about it. Maybe to him it feels weird since we haven’t done this before. We don’t usually talk this late because my parents are home.

It’s cool though.Him and I will talk later. Secretly, I hate that he said it feels weird, even though I know he didn’t mean it negatively. It’s just he could have used another word like ‘different’ or ‘strange’. Then again, ‘strange’ is also pretty weird. I guess ‘weird’ is whatever. Besides though, he said he would talk to me later. So blaaaaaaaah.

I actually just wanted to cross that one off the list of things he said we haven’t done. In his words ‘ talking to you on the phone after 7:00 o’clock’. Now he can’t hold that one against me.

Right now though. We’re pretty cool. He loves me a lot. I love him a lot. Everyone knows about us. Him and I are working on our relationship, making it stronger. I don’t actually have anything to worry about, as I sit here typing, realizing that I have yelled at him for no particularly good reason.

In this moment, I just feel a little tired and drowsy from drinking my hot chocolate.

The back-and-forths of pmsing

I think I really am pmsing right now.

I feel sensitive towards EVERYTHING. I am already annoyed by my boyfriend, telling him that we shouldn’t talk, and yet, I feel like calling him up and yelling at him. Yeah, I feel like yelling at him for no fathomable reason. I am completely irrational right now. My eyes feel drowsy and I feel a little tired. And yeah, I feel a little down.

And while I am annoyed at him, it would feel nice for him to hold me. But no, he was an asshole today for no good reason. It would make sense that he ignored me because he was mad, but he said he wasn’t mad at me. Whatever. He’s probably all annoyed because he thinks I treat him like he’s whipped. That’s just my interpretation of it anyways. It’s not like he’s been following my directions or taking my feelings into consideration when he makes his dumbass choices.

What am I doing? What is he doing? Weren’t we all right yesterday? We were. But he acted like a jerk today.

I bet tomorrow, I won’t even be mad. True thing. I’ll probably stop being mad in like the next two hours, knowing me.

It’s like, I love that boy so much, but sometimes he makes the dumbest decisions without thinking.

And yeah. I hope he doesn’t and that he can’t go to her birthday.

And if he doesn’t say anything to me by Friday. That’s it.

I’d like to think that he’s better than that though.

Goodnight, I love yous

So we were laying in bed, holding each other, talking about why he doesn’t say much to my messages. He says it’s because we see each other, pretty much every day, and he doesn’t really have anything to say. He says that sometimes we after we see each other, I call him up right after. True thing, but sometimes that’s just because I miss him. And damn, I’m really in love with him.

Hurt, I try to suppress my tears by focusing on his arms wrapped around me. I love talking to him about nothing. He asks me as he holds me if I understand. I say “only a little bit”.

To be honest, I know what he means. I do talk a lot. I have a blog because I think too many thoughts and I usually just voice these random ponderings aloud. You can imagine how many messages he was getting when I didn’t have this WordPress account.

Sometimes I have nothing to actually talk about with him. I just like knowing that he’s there. I know we can’t talk to each other all the time, but I like the formalities of ‘how are you?’ and ‘Goodnight, I love you’. It shows that you care.

But even if he doesn’t say anything or I don’t say anything, it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love me, and it doesn’t mean that I don’t love him. Because in truth, he loves me very much and I love him very much.

I guess I’ll be patient though. All of this is a phase.

One day, it will always be me and him and we’ll do everything together.

Fiction

She tells him that she wrote a short fiction piece for their friend Justin. And he gets, what she thinks, is jealous for a split-second as he says “You think of him highly”. Little does he know, she already wrote fiction for him. Fiction, poetry, prose, letters, journals worth of pieces of him. She just doesn’t tell him about all of it.

Character Sketch

Person of the hour: Mustin Jabreaux

Age: Unknown, We would like to say late twenties, but has the mentality suggest that of an older thirty-something.

Attire: Known to wear cargo pants on any occasion, seen on multiple accounts in his younger years wearing a grey teal-sleeved hoodie. Now sports clip-on side burns to compliment his oversized wrist watch, digital, of course. Bares a locket, the family heirloom, passed on from the Jabrado matron lineage (his mother could bear no daughters, slightly resenting Mustin). Eclectic graphic tees supporting the environment, although is known to litter. Prefers to carry an umbrella even on sunny days due to his realist (read: pessimistic) attitude. Clutches a knapsack daily.

Facial hair: Mustache, would like to grow a handle bar just to know how it feels. Eyebrows, one shade too light to match his chin hair, which only grow in patches. Shaves often. Also see: Attire.

Living situation: Resides in a two-bedroom apartment located in the city in which he shares with his best friend from high school and his girlfriend. Personally dislikes the location, prefers living on the outskirts, or for that matter, not in the city at all. Silently wishes he could live on a ranch with room for his future animals (dogs, cats, goats, ducks, he is lover to all, but condemns the veterinary sciences, believes in holistic medicine).

Musical Tastes: Plays the oboe, impartial to the flute, has the ear for classical pieces. Presently bought a record player to play his LPs, only owns three LPs. Would like to find the time to learn the accordion, but is currently consumed with writing. (Also see: Profession)

Profession: Writer. Thinking of becoming a journalist, but hates the idea of reporting the news. For him, writing is his escape. Carries his dog-eared, beat up journal in his knapsack, takes out daily to write a piece, I myself would like to think poetry, but he probably likes to write nonfiction. Has already written four books, published one. Contemplating whether or not he should tell his girlfriend he is a writer.

Habits: Scratching his back while riding the train. Leaving day old newspaper in his knapsack. Sushi. Emailing while drunk, not usually too much of a problem though, he seldom uses the internet. While he abhors technology to an extent, he adores binge watching action/adventure films, hoping that one day he too will be like the man in the movie.

Education: Currently unknown. Waiting to figure this out. Perhaps I will remember to ask during our casual conversation on the morning commute.