The First of Many Realizations of 2017

It’s been such a long time since I’ve wrote on here. The interface has probably already changed twice since I’ve last typed something. And to be honest, since then, I guess I’ve been feeling more different than the person I once was before.

Since last writing on here, me and him have went in one full circle and that felt crazy. We saw each other for one day and talked for a week and then it just crumbled really fast. And it felt really good then it felt really terrible. I felt really terrible. Especially after I felt sad for two months. And sometimes now, I still feel a little sad about it.

But I feel different.

I was looking at his friend Z’s Instagram and I was looking at her picture, trying to decipher if I thought she was pretty (read: prettier than me). And you know what? I do think she’s kinda pretty, but I don’t think she’s prettier than me. Like damn, why cant we all just be pretty? And I have no idea why she bothers me so much. She’s no threat to being with my ex-boyfriend. She’s just his friend. I mean, for Pete’s sake, she has a boyfriend that she lives with.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel insecure about how he can be friends with her and all hese other girls, but doesn’t want to be friends with me. And you know, sometimes it bothers me. How he doesn’t feel comfortable getting coffee just yet, how he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, how he told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable talking to me, how he made me feel awkward the last time I saw him. And you know what? That all hurts a little still.

Especially since after I ran into him, I texted him and told him that I knew about him for sure. That I really did want to be with him and how now I knew for sure when I saw him. How I wrote him a letter some time after telling everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for the last, I don’t know, five months.

But you know what?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure, when we’re not fighting, we get along great. Sure we laugh at the same stuff and we have great conversation and can go on adventures and sing songs and be goofy together. Sure we love each other and feel comfortable. Sure we get along great together in bed. Sure he has a nice car and a job and he treats. Sure he’s going to school to get a degree.

But you know what?

There are tons of guys out there that’ll laugh at my jokes. There are tons of guys who have strong morals they stand by. Guys who’ll treat me way better and won’t run out after every fight. There are guys way smarter and more determined than him. Guys who are at big colleges like me  trying to make a big life for themselves. Guys with much bigger drives and a lot more vision. There are guys out there that want to change the world. And one of those guys will love me.

And so I don’t have to keep chasing this one boy. Because I’m the one that got away. Not him.

 

 

 

 

Time

“If I still feel the same way about you 3 months from now or 6 months or 7 months or time from now, then I’m gonna to run back for you sweet potato. Or fuck, I really hope you run back for me this time. I’m tired of running in circles for you. So for now I’ll just sit and watch us wade through our own confusion. I don’t know what I want either. Fuck why does this always have to be hard on me and not you? I love you a lot. And I miss you. And I blocked you on everything because I cannot stand seeing you not there. This is not the waiting game. This is figuring out what we want. And I don’t deserve to be waiting around for you to show up. So I’ll be trying to move on now. And we’ll both be going on dates with strangers then. I hope you don’t fall in love with anyone. And I hope I don’t either. Because even though I’m confused right now, my heart’s stuck on you. And I’m so in love with you. I want you. Don’t you get that? And it’s crazy that I pick you every time. But right now, we’re both right. We need space. If I feel the same way about you around November or whenever past our month, past our date, after not talking to you and not being with you, then I suppose I’ll know what I want. And hopefully, you’ll make the first move, so I’ll know you feel the same way too.”

 

The Makeup: Falling Back Together

And so we saw each other, and it went really well. In fact, it went so well, I’m ecstatic.

In the end, I decided I didn’t want to know her name and I think he thought it was best too that I didn’t know, and he just told me how it went. It didn’t go well, the conversation didn’t flow, there was no second date, there would be no other dates with this person. It was back in March. And we just talked everything through, about how he was trying to get over me, he didn’t get over me. How I just wanted him to say that the date didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still and he told me it didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still, that was as true as it was on Friday as it was today.

So after spending the morning together, we deiced to get back together. And just honestly, I’m really happy about it. And we said we were gonna go slow and this time, I’m really ready for it. I’m so tired of being mad at him.

We had a really good day today. We got fun socks. We went for a long drive. We talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Damn, he thought it was weird that I looked through his Facebook history, but damn he explained all the questions I had about everything and he didn’t get mad about it. In fact, we had some good laughs, especially about my confusion. We cuddled. We kinda went everywhere. We even had a real serious talk while he tried to wipe some of my tears with his hand. In the end, I feel like that entire long conversation ended with him holding me while we were laughing. What else? He took me everywhere I said I wanted to go. And we play fought and we played video games and we played other games. Ad we went for a long walk and we sat by the water. And wow, overall it was very nice. We had our moments, but all of those don’t compare to all the good. In short, today was everything I wanted it to be.

Everything fell into place by itself. For the first time in a long time, I feel completely at ease in this relationship.

 

Crazy, Not That Crazy

And so this evening he texted me and told me not to be mad, but he wasn’t ready to hang out tomorrow.(Go figure).

And so like any slightly crazy ex-girlfriend, I made up a reason why we should see each other. And so I told him this. I told him I was really stressed with school and finals. And that I needed him to be a friend and I wanted someone to talk to without feeling judged. And that I as feeling a little crazy with all this studying. And I said please a few times in between.

And he reluctantly agreed.

And in that moment, I felt like I played my ace.

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To be honest, I am not that stressed, and I do not feel that crazy from all the studying. In fact, after I learned about how we have a week before finals to just relax and study before finals (which I learned from my classmate’s texts last night), I am actually a little less stressed than I was before. In fact, I have a lot of homework and studying still, but I think I’ll be fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go that crazy, to the point of actually admitting I’m going a little crazy with studying. In fact, I rather like studying. It’s calming and nice and it makes my brain feel strong and mathematics feels like acrobatics of the mind.

I do know though that talking to him tomorrow will help me a little though. Frankly, for all my finals weeks in college (well community college) from the last two years, he was there and he was my stress reliever during that time. And well, now, I think seeing him before I go hard with all this studying for the next two weeks would be a nice pick-me-up to get me going.

To be real though, I really want to see him tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend and honestly, I know talking to him and being with him will help me feel easier inside, especially before I start my hardcore study sessions in the library and just any place I can study, where my main company will come in the form of equations and numbers and mathematical theory. So I am a little grateful abut us seeing each other tomorrow.

On other really honest notes, I do not have an aim for winning him over tomorrow. I am still shocked he went on a  date and I kinda wonder with who. And I kinda wonder if there’ll will be a second date and I kinda wonder if there wont be because maybe she was a girl who was poking him on facebook (which by the way, I blocked that girl and another girl, okay I blocked four or five girls on his account) and maybe since I  did that, it stopped whatever was happening there. I don’t even know if I want to know the name of the girl he went on one date with. I don’t even think I want to know when. I don’t really even want to talk about her. Tomorrow, I just intend to forget the past and the present and just be in the moment with him. And to just feel good.

Anyways, I have no real aim for tomorrow, but that’s not stopping me from wearing my prettiest bra and wearing that shirt I know he likes, and fixing myself up pretty tomorrow. Damn, I even have that letter, Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen, that I might even read to him if I do decide to put up a fight for him. I have no clue. I just know that I’m kinda happy and relieved that we’re seeing each other tomorrow.

And so who knows, I might put up a fight for him. Or maybe I’ll just focus on being friends, but I think the hard part will come in the form of not being able to kiss him. Or him not being able to kiss me.

For the record though, I’m going to make it interesting tomorrow.

Texting: Who Answers and Who Doesn’t

What is this? I just spent the last three hours, on and off texting my classmate, anticipating my ex-boyfriend to text me so we can we can plan what we’re gonna do on Monday. But no, he answers one text like every three hours. At least my classmate texts me back fast and he and I were just texting about class on and off for almost three hours. And all I originally  wanted to know was about the homework. And here I am, still wondering why he hasn’t texted me back yet. All I wanted to know was what museum he wanted to go to, that question is almost three hours old. And I texted ‘Are you there?’ almost an hour ago, to no response.

Maybe this shows I’m chasing after the wrong boy. Because what is he doing but not answering me? I’m gonna skip class for him and I’m all excited to see him, but he’s just not here. My classmate was more “here” for me today than he was. Damn, and he’s still texting me. Why can’t it be the other guy? Why can’t it be my ex-boyfriend’s messages lighting up the screen of my cellphone. Maybe his texts are lighting up the screen of some other girl’s cellphone tonight.

Waiting

And so around noon today, I asked him what we were gonna do on Monday. I was kinda excited. Let’s do something really random.

A little while later, almost an hour later I think, he tells me hold on. He’s at work. So I say okay.

And then it’s five o’clock. And I ask him if he’s thought of something we could do? After ten minutes, I said that I wanted to go on a really long walk. And then twenty minutes after, I asked we’re still doing something, right?

Honestly, maybe I’m overreacting and acting way too eager, but I am a little afraid right now. Afraid that he’ll go turn around and change his mind and tell me we cant see each other on Monday. And that feeling, the feeling I’ve been anticipating for the last hour is just so fucking screwed up. Because wow, even though I’m really  mad and upset that he went out on a date, I really wanted to see him and send the day with him and just be with him.

And now I’m afraid that that’s not going to happen. It’s been almost an hour and half since I sent that text about asking if he thought of something. And now I just feel super anxious and I’m trying not to stare at my phone that’s seated right next to me. And I’m hoping we’re gonna see each there on Monday. I was really looking forward to it.

But is this how he treats that new girl he’s talking to?

Now I don’t know if I should hate him or if I should continue loving him or what. Honestly, I feel so torn about all this and I care so much. And I’m afraid and scared. And hurt and angry and in love and I really want to see him.