Losing Hype in the Hypeman

Right now I am stressed for finals on Wednesday and Thursday, so I will take a brief study break to vent.

I texted him. I texted him tonight like over 5 minutes ago. Not that I expect him to text me back. Last time I checked, last Wednesday I was still blocked.

Anyways, putting that present negativity to the side, let me be honest with some of my thoughts.

He is my favorite person to talk to when I am stress, but for the past year, well over a year actually, he has been quite terrible at providing any sort of comfort. He’s not there for me. He pushes my feelings to the side. To be real, I have a guy friend that’s way more comforting to talk to at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. The other day I went dancing and I was happy. And I was thinking he deserves to be happy too. More on that later though, as I still haven’t developed much of an opinion, except that everyone should be happy.

Anyways, I was thinking about him while I was cleaning today and I started to realize our relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. I want a relationship that people see and they think ‘man, that guy loves her a lot’. I want a relationship that my future kids will admire. And I want a relationship where my significant other supports me no matter what. I don’t want someone who disregards my feelings and constantly leaves when things get heavy. I want someone that’ll lift me higher when I feel down.

And right now, he’s none of those things to me. I keep pushing to start something back up with him. Partly, because I am so comfortable and sentimental because he is my first love. And partly because sometimes I think he is magic. But I have to accept he hasn’t been there for me for a very long time. He hasn’t had a real conversation with me in months. He hasn’t even asked to see me. And right now, he’s reverted back to ignoring me for the long haul of what will probably be months as I pathetically glance at my phone every five minutes.

And sometimes it makes me feel terrible, that I can talk about him with so much love when in truth he hasn’t shown me love since last October. It makes me feel weak to know that I keep waiting on something magical to happen. To think he’s probably desperate to have a girlfriend,  to talk to any girl that’s halfway decent looking, but he doesn’t want to talk to me? That he’ll block me and ignore my calls and not add me back on social media. Me? The person that loves him the most.

Is it so wrong of me to believe that something beautiful and random will happen? Because I’m kinda starting to think it is. It’s been too long. And to be honest, I’m losing a little hope in him. Sure I have faith that he’ll eventually, eventually come back. But yes, I am starting to lose the hope I once had in him. To think, I held on so tight after 4 years of back and forth. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting on anymore.


Get Hyped

So I’m gonna go and study for a solid 2 and half hours, but I have the urge to write first. So I will.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. And to be honest, I’m not sure why. He didn’t treat me very nicely all the time and in certain moments, he made me feel awkward. The last time I saw him, he was beyond mean to me. And the last we were texting each other, not only did he admit that he was “unofficially talking” to someone, but we also ended that entire week long conversation on a bad note, where he decided to leave because he thought I was “unreasonably” stressed out about school.

Every month, usually around my period or not, I contact him with ‘how are you’ or ‘I miss you’ or ‘can we skip to the part where we’re friends’. Once I even sent him a letter through email. He ignores me though.

And every few months, he pops in, randomly if I may add. He says he misses me. Or he asks me how I am. Or maybe once in a blue moon, he actually responds to one of my text messages with an ‘I miss talking to you too’ or ‘I’m good. How are you?’.

And then we talk for a little, days or week or a week and a half, and it all turns to shit. We admit we still love each other, some shit like that. But he’s not ready to see me yet. Or he’s being shady during conversation, half answering questions, waiting a long time to respond to me, saying I’m talking too much. We get into it. Some random argument that comes out of left field which is actually pent up anger from our old relationship over things we all did wrong. Or maybe he’s just too stressed out with his own life to add me back into it. So he blocks me. And I ramble for days or weeks until I give up for a few months. Eventually he unblocks me and someone says something.

And then the cycle repeats itself because I have it so bad for him.

And I don’t know what it is about him that makes him so special to me. He shows up in my dreams to go back and forth with me. Sometimes we kiss in my dreams. In other dreams, we make plans that he doesn’t show for. I literally tried to get a job at the same mall as him just to so I could see him everyday. And when I didn’t get that seasonal job, I was devastated.

The other day I was starting to crush on my study buddy from class, but then my sister ran into my ex’s Instagram account. And everything came back like a flood. And I forgot that I was crushing on my friend and I just kept staring at my ex’s pictures. I told myself he looked fat, that he was gaining weight, and that the grammar and syntax of his account made him look lame. I said to myself, “This guy doesn’t even know how to use social media correctly”. But that’s not really how I felt.

I looked at his pictures and I remembered the guy that used to hug me, where I’d come up to his stomach and he felt like a giant. I looked at his jacket and tried to recall if that was the jacket I used to tug the pockets of when we were arguing. I looked at his gray beanie and wondered if that was the same one he threw off when we started kissing each other the first winter we were together. I looked at his teeth and remembered how we used to clink teeth when we made out too hard back when we were younger. And I looked at his skin and wondered if he was tired. And I looked at his hair and saw it was thick at the top, just the way I liked it. And yes, he had gained a little weight, but I looked and I knew that these were all things I still love.

I reread and reread all three of his posts. I looked through all 15 followers he had after making the account 2 days before. Eventually, I liked his pictures. And followed him too.

But he wouldn’t follow me back. So I took back my likes and unfollowed him.

Later when looking him up today, I found a YouTube video skit of him that he and his friend had made. And it had me shaking. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. The longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him. Almost 9 months. And I hate it. I hate not seeing him. Anyways, I watched it over 5 times. It was in his house. On his couch. And it all looked familiar. And it made me so confused. To just see a video of him and have a flood  of emotions.

Do I even remember how it feels to kiss him? I remember how it felt running my hands through his fro, but how did his lips feel on mine again? I don’t remember.

A Reintroduction of Me

So I’ve just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

No lie. It’s been so damn long.

I haven’t written in a while. So I think I should reintroduce myself. My name is Cecilia and when I was 18, I fell in love, like the somewhat dangerous, intense kind that you don’t tell your parents about. Now fast-forward 4 years and here we are. Three years of back and forth with the same boy from community college and one full year of confusing I love you, I miss you texts. We have left the easy going life of junior college and have stepped two years into actual 4-year universities. He’s at our local state college. I’m a top public university. And we still live in our small town.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go back to regular blogging, shall we?

The First of Many Realizations of 2017

It’s been such a long time since I’ve wrote on here. The interface has probably already changed twice since I’ve last typed something. And to be honest, since then, I guess I’ve been feeling more different than the person I once was before.

Since last writing on here, me and him have went in one full circle and that felt crazy. We saw each other for one day and talked for a week and then it just crumbled really fast. And it felt really good then it felt really terrible. I felt really terrible. Especially after I felt sad for two months. And sometimes now, I still feel a little sad about it.

But I feel different.

I was looking at his friend Z’s Instagram and I was looking at her picture, trying to decipher if I thought she was pretty (read: prettier than me). And you know what? I do think she’s kinda pretty, but I don’t think she’s prettier than me. Like damn, why cant we all just be pretty? And I have no idea why she bothers me so much. She’s no threat to being with my ex-boyfriend. She’s just his friend. I mean, for Pete’s sake, she has a boyfriend that she lives with.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel insecure about how he can be friends with her and all hese other girls, but doesn’t want to be friends with me. And you know, sometimes it bothers me. How he doesn’t feel comfortable getting coffee just yet, how he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, how he told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable talking to me, how he made me feel awkward the last time I saw him. And you know what? That all hurts a little still.

Especially since after I ran into him, I texted him and told him that I knew about him for sure. That I really did want to be with him and how now I knew for sure when I saw him. How I wrote him a letter some time after telling everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for the last, I don’t know, five months.

But you know what?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure, when we’re not fighting, we get along great. Sure we laugh at the same stuff and we have great conversation and can go on adventures and sing songs and be goofy together. Sure we love each other and feel comfortable. Sure we get along great together in bed. Sure he has a nice car and a job and he treats. Sure he’s going to school to get a degree.

But you know what?

There are tons of guys out there that’ll laugh at my jokes. There are tons of guys who have strong morals they stand by. Guys who’ll treat me way better and won’t run out after every fight. There are guys way smarter and more determined than him. Guys who are at big colleges like me  trying to make a big life for themselves. Guys with much bigger drives and a lot more vision. There are guys out there that want to change the world. And one of those guys will love me.

And so I don’t have to keep chasing this one boy. Because I’m the one that got away. Not him.






“If I still feel the same way about you 3 months from now or 6 months or 7 months or time from now, then I’m gonna to run back for you sweet potato. Or fuck, I really hope you run back for me this time. I’m tired of running in circles for you. So for now I’ll just sit and watch us wade through our own confusion. I don’t know what I want either. Fuck why does this always have to be hard on me and not you? I love you a lot. And I miss you. And I blocked you on everything because I cannot stand seeing you not there. This is not the waiting game. This is figuring out what we want. And I don’t deserve to be waiting around for you to show up. So I’ll be trying to move on now. And we’ll both be going on dates with strangers then. I hope you don’t fall in love with anyone. And I hope I don’t either. Because even though I’m confused right now, my heart’s stuck on you. And I’m so in love with you. I want you. Don’t you get that? And it’s crazy that I pick you every time. But right now, we’re both right. We need space. If I feel the same way about you around November or whenever past our month, past our date, after not talking to you and not being with you, then I suppose I’ll know what I want. And hopefully, you’ll make the first move, so I’ll know you feel the same way too.”


The Makeup: Falling Back Together

And so we saw each other, and it went really well. In fact, it went so well, I’m ecstatic.

In the end, I decided I didn’t want to know her name and I think he thought it was best too that I didn’t know, and he just told me how it went. It didn’t go well, the conversation didn’t flow, there was no second date, there would be no other dates with this person. It was back in March. And we just talked everything through, about how he was trying to get over me, he didn’t get over me. How I just wanted him to say that the date didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still and he told me it didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still, that was as true as it was on Friday as it was today.

So after spending the morning together, we deiced to get back together. And just honestly, I’m really happy about it. And we said we were gonna go slow and this time, I’m really ready for it. I’m so tired of being mad at him.

We had a really good day today. We got fun socks. We went for a long drive. We talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Damn, he thought it was weird that I looked through his Facebook history, but damn he explained all the questions I had about everything and he didn’t get mad about it. In fact, we had some good laughs, especially about my confusion. We cuddled. We kinda went everywhere. We even had a real serious talk while he tried to wipe some of my tears with his hand. In the end, I feel like that entire long conversation ended with him holding me while we were laughing. What else? He took me everywhere I said I wanted to go. And we play fought and we played video games and we played other games. Ad we went for a long walk and we sat by the water. And wow, overall it was very nice. We had our moments, but all of those don’t compare to all the good. In short, today was everything I wanted it to be.

Everything fell into place by itself. For the first time in a long time, I feel completely at ease in this relationship.


Crazy, Not That Crazy

And so this evening he texted me and told me not to be mad, but he wasn’t ready to hang out tomorrow.(Go figure).

And so like any slightly crazy ex-girlfriend, I made up a reason why we should see each other. And so I told him this. I told him I was really stressed with school and finals. And that I needed him to be a friend and I wanted someone to talk to without feeling judged. And that I as feeling a little crazy with all this studying. And I said please a few times in between.

And he reluctantly agreed.

And in that moment, I felt like I played my ace.


To be honest, I am not that stressed, and I do not feel that crazy from all the studying. In fact, after I learned about how we have a week before finals to just relax and study before finals (which I learned from my classmate’s texts last night), I am actually a little less stressed than I was before. In fact, I have a lot of homework and studying still, but I think I’ll be fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go that crazy, to the point of actually admitting I’m going a little crazy with studying. In fact, I rather like studying. It’s calming and nice and it makes my brain feel strong and mathematics feels like acrobatics of the mind.

I do know though that talking to him tomorrow will help me a little though. Frankly, for all my finals weeks in college (well community college) from the last two years, he was there and he was my stress reliever during that time. And well, now, I think seeing him before I go hard with all this studying for the next two weeks would be a nice pick-me-up to get me going.

To be real though, I really want to see him tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend and honestly, I know talking to him and being with him will help me feel easier inside, especially before I start my hardcore study sessions in the library and just any place I can study, where my main company will come in the form of equations and numbers and mathematical theory. So I am a little grateful abut us seeing each other tomorrow.

On other really honest notes, I do not have an aim for winning him over tomorrow. I am still shocked he went on a  date and I kinda wonder with who. And I kinda wonder if there’ll will be a second date and I kinda wonder if there wont be because maybe she was a girl who was poking him on facebook (which by the way, I blocked that girl and another girl, okay I blocked four or five girls on his account) and maybe since I  did that, it stopped whatever was happening there. I don’t even know if I want to know the name of the girl he went on one date with. I don’t even think I want to know when. I don’t really even want to talk about her. Tomorrow, I just intend to forget the past and the present and just be in the moment with him. And to just feel good.

Anyways, I have no real aim for tomorrow, but that’s not stopping me from wearing my prettiest bra and wearing that shirt I know he likes, and fixing myself up pretty tomorrow. Damn, I even have that letter, Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen, that I might even read to him if I do decide to put up a fight for him. I have no clue. I just know that I’m kinda happy and relieved that we’re seeing each other tomorrow.

And so who knows, I might put up a fight for him. Or maybe I’ll just focus on being friends, but I think the hard part will come in the form of not being able to kiss him. Or him not being able to kiss me.

For the record though, I’m going to make it interesting tomorrow.