So I’m gonna go and study for a solid 2 and half hours, but I have the urge to write first. So I will.
I miss my ex-boyfriend. And to be honest, I’m not sure why. He didn’t treat me very nicely all the time and in certain moments, he made me feel awkward. The last time I saw him, he was beyond mean to me. And the last we were texting each other, not only did he admit that he was “unofficially talking” to someone, but we also ended that entire week long conversation on a bad note, where he decided to leave because he thought I was “unreasonably” stressed out about school.
Every month, usually around my period or not, I contact him with ‘how are you’ or ‘I miss you’ or ‘can we skip to the part where we’re friends’. Once I even sent him a letter through email. He ignores me though.
And every few months, he pops in, randomly if I may add. He says he misses me. Or he asks me how I am. Or maybe once in a blue moon, he actually responds to one of my text messages with an ‘I miss talking to you too’ or ‘I’m good. How are you?’.
And then we talk for a little, days or week or a week and a half, and it all turns to shit. We admit we still love each other, some shit like that. But he’s not ready to see me yet. Or he’s being shady during conversation, half answering questions, waiting a long time to respond to me, saying I’m talking too much. We get into it. Some random argument that comes out of left field which is actually pent up anger from our old relationship over things we all did wrong. Or maybe he’s just too stressed out with his own life to add me back into it. So he blocks me. And I ramble for days or weeks until I give up for a few months. Eventually he unblocks me and someone says something.
And then the cycle repeats itself because I have it so bad for him.
And I don’t know what it is about him that makes him so special to me. He shows up in my dreams to go back and forth with me. Sometimes we kiss in my dreams. In other dreams, we make plans that he doesn’t show for. I literally tried to get a job at the same mall as him just to so I could see him everyday. And when I didn’t get that seasonal job, I was devastated.
The other day I was starting to crush on my study buddy from class, but then my sister ran into my ex’s Instagram account. And everything came back like a flood. And I forgot that I was crushing on my friend and I just kept staring at my ex’s pictures. I told myself he looked fat, that he was gaining weight, and that the grammar and syntax of his account made him look lame. I said to myself, “This guy doesn’t even know how to use social media correctly”. But that’s not really how I felt.
I looked at his pictures and I remembered the guy that used to hug me, where I’d come up to his stomach and he felt like a giant. I looked at his jacket and tried to recall if that was the jacket I used to tug the pockets of when we were arguing. I looked at his gray beanie and wondered if that was the same one he threw off when we started kissing each other the first winter we were together. I looked at his teeth and remembered how we used to clink teeth when we made out too hard back when we were younger. And I looked at his skin and wondered if he was tired. And I looked at his hair and saw it was thick at the top, just the way I liked it. And yes, he had gained a little weight, but I looked and I knew that these were all things I still love.
I reread and reread all three of his posts. I looked through all 15 followers he had after making the account 2 days before. Eventually, I liked his pictures. And followed him too.
But he wouldn’t follow me back. So I took back my likes and unfollowed him.
Later when looking him up today, I found a YouTube video skit of him that he and his friend had made. And it had me shaking. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. The longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him. Almost 9 months. And I hate it. I hate not seeing him. Anyways, I watched it over 5 times. It was in his house. On his couch. And it all looked familiar. And it made me so confused. To just see a video of him and have a flood of emotions.
Do I even remember how it feels to kiss him? I remember how it felt running my hands through his fro, but how did his lips feel on mine again? I don’t remember.