The First of Many Realizations of 2017

It’s been such a long time since I’ve wrote on here. The interface has probably already changed twice since I’ve last typed something. And to be honest, since then, I guess I’ve been feeling more different than the person I once was before.

Since last writing on here, me and him have went in one full circle and that felt crazy. We saw each other for one day and talked for a week and then it just crumbled really fast. And it felt really good then it felt really terrible. I felt really terrible. Especially after I felt sad for two months. And sometimes now, I still feel a little sad about it.

But I feel different.

I was looking at his friend Z’s Instagram and I was looking at her picture, trying to decipher if I thought she was pretty (read: prettier than me). And you know what? I do think she’s kinda pretty, but I don’t think she’s prettier than me. Like damn, why cant we all just be pretty? And I have no idea why she bothers me so much. She’s no threat to being with my ex-boyfriend. She’s just his friend. I mean, for Pete’s sake, she has a boyfriend that she lives with.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel insecure about how he can be friends with her and all hese other girls, but doesn’t want to be friends with me. And you know, sometimes it bothers me. How he doesn’t feel comfortable getting coffee just yet, how he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, how he told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable talking to me, how he made me feel awkward the last time I saw him. And you know what? That all hurts a little still.

Especially since after I ran into him, I texted him and told him that I knew about him for sure. That I really did want to be with him and how now I knew for sure when I saw him. How I wrote him a letter some time after telling everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for the last, I don’t know, five months.

But you know what?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure, when we’re not fighting, we get along great. Sure we laugh at the same stuff and we have great conversation and can go on adventures and sing songs and be goofy together. Sure we love each other and feel comfortable. Sure we get along great together in bed. Sure he has a nice car and a job and he treats. Sure he’s going to school to get a degree.

But you know what?

There are tons of guys out there that’ll laugh at my jokes. There are tons of guys who have strong morals they stand by. Guys who’ll treat me way better and won’t run out after every fight. There are guys way smarter and more determined than him. Guys who are at big colleges like me  trying to make a big life for themselves. Guys with much bigger drives and a lot more vision. There are guys out there that want to change the world. And one of those guys will love me.

And so I don’t have to keep chasing this one boy. Because I’m the one that got away. Not him.

 

 

 

 

Time

“If I still feel the same way about you 3 months from now or 6 months or 7 months or time from now, then I’m gonna to run back for you sweet potato. Or fuck, I really hope you run back for me this time. I’m tired of running in circles for you. So for now I’ll just sit and watch us wade through our own confusion. I don’t know what I want either. Fuck why does this always have to be hard on me and not you? I love you a lot. And I miss you. And I blocked you on everything because I cannot stand seeing you not there. This is not the waiting game. This is figuring out what we want. And I don’t deserve to be waiting around for you to show up. So I’ll be trying to move on now. And we’ll both be going on dates with strangers then. I hope you don’t fall in love with anyone. And I hope I don’t either. Because even though I’m confused right now, my heart’s stuck on you. And I’m so in love with you. I want you. Don’t you get that? And it’s crazy that I pick you every time. But right now, we’re both right. We need space. If I feel the same way about you around November or whenever past our month, past our date, after not talking to you and not being with you, then I suppose I’ll know what I want. And hopefully, you’ll make the first move, so I’ll know you feel the same way too.”