Get Hyped

So I’m gonna go and study for a solid 2 and half hours, but I have the urge to write first. So I will.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. And to be honest, I’m not sure why. He didn’t treat me very nicely all the time and in certain moments, he made me feel awkward. The last time I saw him, he was beyond mean to me. And the last we were texting each other, not only did he admit that he was “unofficially talking” to someone, but we also ended that entire week long conversation on a bad note, where he decided to leave because he thought I was “unreasonably” stressed out about school.

Every month, usually around my period or not, I contact him with ‘how are you’ or ‘I miss you’ or ‘can we skip to the part where we’re friends’. Once I even sent him a letter through email. He ignores me though.

And every few months, he pops in, randomly if I may add. He says he misses me. Or he asks me how I am. Or maybe once in a blue moon, he actually responds to one of my text messages with an ‘I miss talking to you too’ or ‘I’m good. How are you?’.

And then we talk for a little, days or week or a week and a half, and it all turns to shit. We admit we still love each other, some shit like that. But he’s not ready to see me yet. Or he’s being shady during conversation, half answering questions, waiting a long time to respond to me, saying I’m talking too much. We get into it. Some random argument that comes out of left field which is actually pent up anger from our old relationship over things we all did wrong. Or maybe he’s just too stressed out with his own life to add me back into it. So he blocks me. And I ramble for days or weeks until I give up for a few months. Eventually he unblocks me and someone says something.

And then the cycle repeats itself because I have it so bad for him.

And I don’t know what it is about him that makes him so special to me. He shows up in my dreams to go back and forth with me. Sometimes we kiss in my dreams. In other dreams, we make plans that he doesn’t show for. I literally tried to get a job at the same mall as him just to so I could see him everyday. And when I didn’t get that seasonal job, I was devastated.

The other day I was starting to crush on my study buddy from class, but then my sister ran into my ex’s Instagram account. And everything came back like a flood. And I forgot that I was crushing on my friend and I just kept staring at my ex’s pictures. I told myself he looked fat, that he was gaining weight, and that the grammar and syntax of his account made him look lame. I said to myself, “This guy doesn’t even know how to use social media correctly”. But that’s not really how I felt.

I looked at his pictures and I remembered the guy that used to hug me, where I’d come up to his stomach and he felt like a giant. I looked at his jacket and tried to recall if that was the jacket I used to tug the pockets of when we were arguing. I looked at his gray beanie and wondered if that was the same one he threw off when we started kissing each other the first winter we were together. I looked at his teeth and remembered how we used to clink teeth when we made out too hard back when we were younger. And I looked at his skin and wondered if he was tired. And I looked at his hair and saw it was thick at the top, just the way I liked it. And yes, he had gained a little weight, but I looked and I knew that these were all things I still love.

I reread and reread all three of his posts. I looked through all 15 followers he had after making the account 2 days before. Eventually, I liked his pictures. And followed him too.

But he wouldn’t follow me back. So I took back my likes and unfollowed him.

Later when looking him up today, I found a YouTube video skit of him that he and his friend had made. And it had me shaking. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. The longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him. Almost 9 months. And I hate it. I hate not seeing him. Anyways, I watched it over 5 times. It was in his house. On his couch. And it all looked familiar. And it made me so confused. To just see a video of him and have a flood  of emotions.

Do I even remember how it feels to kiss him? I remember how it felt running my hands through his fro, but how did his lips feel on mine again? I don’t remember.

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The First of Many Realizations of 2017

It’s been such a long time since I’ve wrote on here. The interface has probably already changed twice since I’ve last typed something. And to be honest, since then, I guess I’ve been feeling more different than the person I once was before.

Since last writing on here, me and him have went in one full circle and that felt crazy. We saw each other for one day and talked for a week and then it just crumbled really fast. And it felt really good then it felt really terrible. I felt really terrible. Especially after I felt sad for two months. And sometimes now, I still feel a little sad about it.

But I feel different.

I was looking at his friend Z’s Instagram and I was looking at her picture, trying to decipher if I thought she was pretty (read: prettier than me). And you know what? I do think she’s kinda pretty, but I don’t think she’s prettier than me. Like damn, why cant we all just be pretty? And I have no idea why she bothers me so much. She’s no threat to being with my ex-boyfriend. She’s just his friend. I mean, for Pete’s sake, she has a boyfriend that she lives with.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel insecure about how he can be friends with her and all hese other girls, but doesn’t want to be friends with me. And you know, sometimes it bothers me. How he doesn’t feel comfortable getting coffee just yet, how he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, how he told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable talking to me, how he made me feel awkward the last time I saw him. And you know what? That all hurts a little still.

Especially since after I ran into him, I texted him and told him that I knew about him for sure. That I really did want to be with him and how now I knew for sure when I saw him. How I wrote him a letter some time after telling everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for the last, I don’t know, five months.

But you know what?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure, when we’re not fighting, we get along great. Sure we laugh at the same stuff and we have great conversation and can go on adventures and sing songs and be goofy together. Sure we love each other and feel comfortable. Sure we get along great together in bed. Sure he has a nice car and a job and he treats. Sure he’s going to school to get a degree.

But you know what?

There are tons of guys out there that’ll laugh at my jokes. There are tons of guys who have strong morals they stand by. Guys who’ll treat me way better and won’t run out after every fight. There are guys way smarter and more determined than him. Guys who are at big colleges like me  trying to make a big life for themselves. Guys with much bigger drives and a lot more vision. There are guys out there that want to change the world. And one of those guys will love me.

And so I don’t have to keep chasing this one boy. Because I’m the one that got away. Not him.

 

 

 

 

Time

“If I still feel the same way about you 3 months from now or 6 months or 7 months or time from now, then I’m gonna to run back for you sweet potato. Or fuck, I really hope you run back for me this time. I’m tired of running in circles for you. So for now I’ll just sit and watch us wade through our own confusion. I don’t know what I want either. Fuck why does this always have to be hard on me and not you? I love you a lot. And I miss you. And I blocked you on everything because I cannot stand seeing you not there. This is not the waiting game. This is figuring out what we want. And I don’t deserve to be waiting around for you to show up. So I’ll be trying to move on now. And we’ll both be going on dates with strangers then. I hope you don’t fall in love with anyone. And I hope I don’t either. Because even though I’m confused right now, my heart’s stuck on you. And I’m so in love with you. I want you. Don’t you get that? And it’s crazy that I pick you every time. But right now, we’re both right. We need space. If I feel the same way about you around November or whenever past our month, past our date, after not talking to you and not being with you, then I suppose I’ll know what I want. And hopefully, you’ll make the first move, so I’ll know you feel the same way too.”