Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen

“Because we never stop loving silently those we once loved out loud”.

Dear you,

You know I love you, so you know in the end, we’re still going to see ach other on Monday even though I wont know how to act.

And I know it would be wrong of me to tell you how I feel when I know you’re seeing someone new. And sure maybe it was just one date, but what stops that from being two? And then three? I don’t even think I want to know her name for fear of knowing will make it feel as if I’ve lost you forever.

And so come Monday, I’ll respect that you’re dating someone. I’ll respect that because I don’t want that girl to have a story line like you gave me. How S said she had feelings for you still and you had still had feelings for her but how you had a girlfriend, which was me. And how that muddies the great story which I called ‘Us’. And so in the car when you pick me up, I will not defend my hold on you and admit how I love you more than anything. Instead, I will bite my tongue and not say to you all I want to say. Because it would be wrong of me to tell you I loved you still and to win you back if you were with someone else, I don’t want to do that to someone. because I know how it feels. Because I will tell you I love you and you’ll say you love me and the world will feel a little magical, yet confusing, because aren’t you seeing someone else?

And I’ll pretend as if, I wasn’t up at 1:30 in the morning today, crying behind my glasses as I write you another love letter that you will not read.

Had I not cared about the other girl and of you seeing someone else and not caring about muddying your story, her story, and ruining your happy ending, these would’ve been the words I would’ve told you when I saw you Monday, the words I would want to yell at you on Monday while I cried and threw ‘fuck’ into every other sentence of my speech. And so it goes….

I love you. I love you very much.

I thought today we were gonna end up between the sheets and just cuddle for the entire morning and have a picnic and revisit our old spots, the spots that make up our story. Because I have wanted that now for a very ling time. I was even gonna ask you to bring out the picnic basket, the one you bought for my 19th birthday. ( Ha! As if we’re not all around 21 now).

I wanted to feel your lips on mine because that is a feeling I come back to often.

And I wanted to refeel your skin on mine. Because that is a feeling I think about every day and every night. And I wanted you to cuddle me and just be. And I wanted your head in  my lap as you tell me stories and just rest there while I look at you and take the moment in.

I wanted you to hold my hand and just let me run my mouth about my worries and the nonsense things that runs through my head.

I wanted us to sing our songs with the windows down in the car.

When the new season of Arrested Development came out I thought we were gonna Netflix and chill and have a marathon. I thought we were gonna get back together eventually and i was gonna have us take cut pictures and put them on your facebook because I realized that I really like that. I was thinking about that this afternoon.

And I want us to get back together eventually. And honestly, I wasn’t supposed to asks you about other girls at this point in our break up. Because I know we’re gonna get back together and so what you do during this time is fair game, because I know we’ll be back together someday. but not now. You see, I know this. And I know I’m not crazy. I had this idea that when we did fall back together, we wouldn’t really talk about this time in between. I was just going to accept that whatever happened happened, but we wouldn’t talk about it.. But then you brought it up and I asked and well, this is where we are.

Honestly though, I guess I didn’t expect you to move this quick. because damn it, I know you love me,  but why so soon? I’m not even considering dating at all at this moment, because I still love you. And even if I saw someone of slight interest, I wouldn’t want to do that to them or me. To lead them on just to know that you’re all I want. That’s wrong. But maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not hurting over me like I am over you. maybe you really like her. I don’t know. to be honest, I am very scared. What if I lose completely.

What if she has sex with you? What if you’ve kissed her?

Now I can’t touch you. Not in the way I did before.

When you’re not talking to me right now, are you really just texting her and talking to her late at night?

And damn it, you have no idea how much I cry over you.

But I digress, this is a speech of love, not a speech of sadness. So let me step back and tell you how much I’ve missed you.

During this time apart, I had dream. I had dream that we got back together and we were laughing and you asked me what we were going to name our first child. And I think I told you something with a Z in it. (You know because you’re name starts with a Z.) And I something like Aziza. And someone was watching us and asked but what if it’s a boy. And you said yeah, what if it’s a boy. And I said well, I guess we’re gonna have to give him that name. The dream went something like that.

And now, I will not get to tell you this dream.

What else would I like to tell you?

You’re mine. And I’m yours. You’re my boy. And you belong to me. And this, this isn’t right. This isn’t right. You ever get the feeling something isn’t right? Well, this, isn’t.

Baby, what are you doing? Didn’t you think of me before you made that decision to go on a date? Apparently not.

Don’t you miss me? I guess not too much these days.

I think about you all the time.

And I feel like kissing you, but I won’t.  I will have to fight the urge to kiss you on Monday. I have never stopped myself before. But now I will, I’ll have to.

And knowing us, you’ll still probably reach over and kiss me. And I wont know how to feel anymore.

Maybe you still care, which is why you might be a little worried about me stressing over school. But what’s your point? You went on a date with someone, probably at somewhere we both know. And you know I went on y9our facebook and blocked like five people and you know I log onto it. And you still haven’t changed the password. What is this?

Why are you still agreeing to see me on Monday?  I want to believe it’s because you just really love me. But then, what are we doing then?

I want to tell you that maybe we’ll end up like the characters in one of my favorite books One Day. Because honestly, by comparing us to book and movies and tv, maybe this doesn’t feel too bad because then there’ll be a happy ending. But I have no idea what to compare us to in movies or TV, and the book reference was a little far off, maybe a lot far off. So what do we have left? Rachel and Ross from friends?

How is it you can make me feel like everything and nothing at all? How is it that I love you so much?

Where is that boy I knew back in the first semester of community college? The one who I thought had drive? The one who told me he thought it was weird to make out with strangers at parties in front of other people you know? Where is the boy I viewed as near perfect, the one where I didn’t know made mistakes, the boy who I thought didn’t lie? and then I found out he wasn’t that perfect and that he made mistakes and that he did tell lies, and that I still viewed as amazing ad wonderful? The boy I fell in love with. The boy who was in love with me too. The boy who loved me very much?  Where is that boy?

How is it that I still find you amazing? How is that when we started I secretly believed that you could control and change the weather?

And how is it time moves much faster without you, how the days don’t remain as memorable and instead they come and go, until it all feels as if time has been passing me by?

I miss you. I miss you so much. At almost 3 o’clock in the morning writing you letters you wont be receiving pretending I’m not writing you letters you wont be receiving.

And I’d text you right now, and tell you I love you. But if I can’t have you as mine right now, I will take you as my friend if you will have me as your friend. And maybe that sounds pathetic or maybe it sounds as romantic and sad as hell, but if that is what it takes to love you, then I will lay my armor down and accept. So I will not text you I love you at 2:45AM, not only because I fear you wont say  I love you back (although I think you probably would), but because I want us to be friends now. Because that is all we’re gonna get from this time being.

So from now on, I will  to talk to you as my friend. And not like the boy who I claim to be mine, not like the boy who I’d do anything for. I will just treat you like a friend, like I friend I love. And for now, that will be enough.

Honey, I love you very much. Never forget that. I wish it didn’t pain me to tell you that. Because I won’t be saying it out loud for a very long time.





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