I don’t know if I should’ve told him those things that I last texted him. Now it’ll be forever until we speak again. Damn, why did I say it was all physical when in truth, I know that it wasn’t. That was only part of us. Why did I say I don’t think he really cares? That I didn’t like loving him this way, to love him but not be loved back? That I needed to forget? Why did I say those things? We could’ve talked too.
And I said I wasn’t going to reach out first. That I did that too much to no reply. Now it really is going to be forever until we speak again.
And I’d say I’d ruined it, but he ruined it too, right? Yeah he did.
And now I’m sitting up in bed trying to feel everything through. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I’m okay.
Then again, I spent about two hours looking up him and his friends that are girls, not because I think anything’s going on, although at first I was just looking for shit. After a while, I think I was just looking through things just because wanted to see a piece of him, you know, just living, being himself, maybe in the background of some picture or maybe someone will just mention him in a post. Because wow, I feel a little but deprived of him. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t think about him all the time and that I don’t look for him or his car in just about any scenario, especially in town. Because sometimes, I wish we could just see each other and forget this all happened.
But fuck, you know, finals and everything is coming up and I gotta be strong for all that. So maybe it was best I sent him those half-angry, half-in love messages, tinged with my craziness, saying ‘until summer’ even though he wasn’t really talking to me at all.
I was looking up what stage I’m in of this breakup. And I think I’m somewhere in between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think I’m in acceptance. Hopefully Ive passed Isolation and Anger. I want to say I’ve accepted. Who knows?
Obviously looking through his facebook every day and reading his messages, trying to see who has the most mutual friends with and correlating it with the significant other theorem from discrete math isn’t helping. Because of course I’m not going to find anything on there. I was his ‘significant other’ and I didn’t have a proper facebook, so of course that theorem doesn’t apply to us. That’s for the other 68%.
But damn it, I miss him. If I’m not thinking about math or econ or the future, I’m thinking about him. Or I’m thinking about them all at the same time. Like the other day when he showed up in my dream to help me study for econ or was it math? And I just felt really content with that dream. Of him being there while I studied, of being my study buddy. We’ve never done that because I don’t think I can get any real studying done with him around.
Anyways, until the summer. For now, studying. That and writing to keep me sane.
If that boy really loves me, he’ll be there when this semester is all done.