Well I feel a little crushed right now, although I guess I’m still in so much in shock and pretending I don’t care, to really pull in all the ways I really feel.
So a little background information on this story line. Which my by the way is all true.
I was feeling stressed so I messaged him this long list of all the things I wanted to tell him. And in the end I apologized to him and told him damn it, I love him. And he said hello. So we went from there last night. And I told him to text me. And he texted me at 3:40 in the morning and told me to text him when I woke up and I texted back this morning. And he asked me how I was. and I said a little stressed and a little tired. and he asked if I was stressed of us? Or school? And I said school. And he asked me if I was at school. And I said I was with my auntie, that Fridays were my light days. And he said ‘so you cant eat sushi with me’. And I said no, not today, maybe some other day. And we just started talking about how I was kinda stressed about school and he said he was kinda stressed about how he wasn’t in school right now. And then I asked if we could see each other. And he said on Monday.
And then when I asked him about the time he was picking me up, he didn’t respond right away. And then when he told me he was trying to rest for a an hour and he would text me later. And he did. But then he told me, he felt that if we hung out next week, he felt like all was gonna do was tell him how I hated what he’s been doing and ask him when he was gong to talk to me and he thought I was gonna ask if he’s been talking to anyone else.
And honestly, we’re probably gonna talk about all that. But honestly, I wasn’t really thinking about any of this, I was just thinking about how I wanted to see him. Because he makes me feel easier when I’m stressed and I like talking to him with no filter because I like talking to him when I don’t get muddled into the mess of being mad at him. And even when I’m mad, I feel comfortable telling him about it.
So the point was as soon as he said all that, the red flags kinda raised themselves. But then I said, I wasn’t even gonna ask him what he’s been doing. Because I just wanted to do something with him. And I just thought all he was doing was working and seeing his friends all this time.
And so I told him not to ruin this for us. And he said alright.
And then I asked if he was gonna pick me up at the time I said and he said sure.
But then I asked why he thought that I would ask why he would think I would hate what he’s been doing? I kinda thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I thought he was just working and seeing his friends. And he said that just sounded like something I would say. So I thought fair enough.But then I asked the next question.
Has he been/is talking to other girls? Like is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t thinking about it, but he was the one who had mentioned it. And then he said, ‘damn I guess there was no way to avoid this huh’.
And I said ‘damn I don’t think so. so you might as well just say it now’ After six minutes of no response, I said ‘so are you?’
And while waiting for a response, I cry a little in the bathroom. Because up until this time, when I worried about him going on dates, I just told myself he wasn’t. He was probably just working and hanging out with his friends. And I told myself to be strong, to just in ever the case, to tell him to never come back because I wasn’t coming back to this. But when the time came, this is not what I said. Because I knew I couldn’t really let him go that easy.
So he tells me he went on a date. And I am in shock and I am in sadness and I am in I don’t know anymore. Because here I am, knowing full well, that I love him, but knowing that this kinda breaks my heart.
And I ask ‘Why?’ And he says ‘Because’.
And so I say the most honest thing I could think of. ‘Why you couldn’t you just hold out for me? When did you do this?’
And he told me he didn’t have to tell me any of this.
And so I asked if he was seeing someone now. And he said ‘I said one date’.
So I said ‘but you’re going on another?’ And when I got no immediate response, I said ‘okay, so you are. we can still see each other and be friends right?’
And he told me to relax.
And then I said more honest things. ‘Woah I am relaxed. Golly, I’m contemplating and pretending this is nothing while doing my eyebrow. Now go back and answer my questions.
‘Woah, you there. Like honestly, I’m confused how to react because I kinda see you as my boy. but at the same time, I am a bit interested.’ And then I said his name.
And so he tells me ‘ hey I don’t really have to or want to answer.’
And so I try to reason with ‘oh, hold on though we can still be friends and see each other on Monday?’ After three minutes, I say ‘hmmmm?’.
And he says yeah.
And I say cool. Is he busy tonight? Can we talk on facebook?
And he says no, not tonight.
And so I say ‘okay then. Look at you, going on date number 2. (I’m teasing you.) I really hope we make better friends than being a couple though.’
I feel sad. Because it’s probably one of those girls from facebook he looked up. And I think I’m gonna delete those message son my phone now. Does it make me pathetic that still want to be his friend, that I love him that much?
Am I overreacting? Does one date not mean anything? Will there be a second date? Or will there not be?
Does he still love me? Then why would he go on a date, so soon too? The last time we were seeing each other was the beginning of March. What is this? Doesn’t he love me?
What the fuck is this? I feel mad and upset and confused. And yet, I am happy we’re talking again. And I love the idea of seeing him and spending Monday with him and just taking a break from studying and just being in the comfort of him. But now, I don’t know what to feel after he told me he went on a date. And it sounds like he’s going on another date. And now it sounds like he’s seeing someone or definitely talking to someone. And the feeling is just lost on me.
Like fuck you know. I just earned all of this like an hour ago. And my heart’s a little broken. And it feels like a band-aid’s been taken off by hearing this, but only to reveal a bruise.
And I asked him now if he was still awake at 1:25 Am, right now. And I know he is. But he’s not answering. And plus, I don’t really know what to say.
Update: And at 3:00 in the morning, after writing an unsent love letter to him, I sent the following text: I’m sorry for overreacting earlier. I wasn’t really relaxed.