The Makeup: Falling Back Together

And so we saw each other, and it went really well. In fact, it went so well, I’m ecstatic.

In the end, I decided I didn’t want to know her name and I think he thought it was best too that I didn’t know, and he just told me how it went. It didn’t go well, the conversation didn’t flow, there was no second date, there would be no other dates with this person. It was back in March. And we just talked everything through, about how he was trying to get over me, he didn’t get over me. How I just wanted him to say that the date didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still and he told me it didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still, that was as true as it was on Friday as it was today.

So after spending the morning together, we deiced to get back together. And just honestly, I’m really happy about it. And we said we were gonna go slow and this time, I’m really ready for it. I’m so tired of being mad at him.

We had a really good day today. We got fun socks. We went for a long drive. We talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Damn, he thought it was weird that I looked through his Facebook history, but damn he explained all the questions I had about everything and he didn’t get mad about it. In fact, we had some good laughs, especially about my confusion. We cuddled. We kinda went everywhere. We even had a real serious talk while he tried to wipe some of my tears with his hand. In the end, I feel like that entire long conversation ended with him holding me while we were laughing. What else? He took me everywhere I said I wanted to go. And we play fought and we played video games and we played other games. Ad we went for a long walk and we sat by the water. And wow, overall it was very nice. We had our moments, but all of those don’t compare to all the good. In short, today was everything I wanted it to be.

Everything fell into place by itself. For the first time in a long time, I feel completely at ease in this relationship.

 

Crazy, Not That Crazy

And so this evening he texted me and told me not to be mad, but he wasn’t ready to hang out tomorrow.(Go figure).

And so like any slightly crazy ex-girlfriend, I made up a reason why we should see each other. And so I told him this. I told him I was really stressed with school and finals. And that I needed him to be a friend and I wanted someone to talk to without feeling judged. And that I as feeling a little crazy with all this studying. And I said please a few times in between.

And he reluctantly agreed.

And in that moment, I felt like I played my ace.

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To be honest, I am not that stressed, and I do not feel that crazy from all the studying. In fact, after I learned about how we have a week before finals to just relax and study before finals (which I learned from my classmate’s texts last night), I am actually a little less stressed than I was before. In fact, I have a lot of homework and studying still, but I think I’ll be fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go that crazy, to the point of actually admitting I’m going a little crazy with studying. In fact, I rather like studying. It’s calming and nice and it makes my brain feel strong and mathematics feels like acrobatics of the mind.

I do know though that talking to him tomorrow will help me a little though. Frankly, for all my finals weeks in college (well community college) from the last two years, he was there and he was my stress reliever during that time. And well, now, I think seeing him before I go hard with all this studying for the next two weeks would be a nice pick-me-up to get me going.

To be real though, I really want to see him tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend and honestly, I know talking to him and being with him will help me feel easier inside, especially before I start my hardcore study sessions in the library and just any place I can study, where my main company will come in the form of equations and numbers and mathematical theory. So I am a little grateful abut us seeing each other tomorrow.

On other really honest notes, I do not have an aim for winning him over tomorrow. I am still shocked he went on a  date and I kinda wonder with who. And I kinda wonder if there’ll will be a second date and I kinda wonder if there wont be because maybe she was a girl who was poking him on facebook (which by the way, I blocked that girl and another girl, okay I blocked four or five girls on his account) and maybe since I  did that, it stopped whatever was happening there. I don’t even know if I want to know the name of the girl he went on one date with. I don’t even think I want to know when. I don’t really even want to talk about her. Tomorrow, I just intend to forget the past and the present and just be in the moment with him. And to just feel good.

Anyways, I have no real aim for tomorrow, but that’s not stopping me from wearing my prettiest bra and wearing that shirt I know he likes, and fixing myself up pretty tomorrow. Damn, I even have that letter, Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen, that I might even read to him if I do decide to put up a fight for him. I have no clue. I just know that I’m kinda happy and relieved that we’re seeing each other tomorrow.

And so who knows, I might put up a fight for him. Or maybe I’ll just focus on being friends, but I think the hard part will come in the form of not being able to kiss him. Or him not being able to kiss me.

For the record though, I’m going to make it interesting tomorrow.

Texting: Who Answers and Who Doesn’t

What is this? I just spent the last three hours, on and off texting my classmate, anticipating my ex-boyfriend to text me so we can we can plan what we’re gonna do on Monday. But no, he answers one text like every three hours. At least my classmate texts me back fast and he and I were just texting about class on and off for almost three hours. And all I originally  wanted to know was about the homework. And here I am, still wondering why he hasn’t texted me back yet. All I wanted to know was what museum he wanted to go to, that question is almost three hours old. And I texted ‘Are you there?’ almost an hour ago, to no response.

Maybe this shows I’m chasing after the wrong boy. Because what is he doing but not answering me? I’m gonna skip class for him and I’m all excited to see him, but he’s just not here. My classmate was more “here” for me today than he was. Damn, and he’s still texting me. Why can’t it be the other guy? Why can’t it be my ex-boyfriend’s messages lighting up the screen of my cellphone. Maybe his texts are lighting up the screen of some other girl’s cellphone tonight.

Waiting

And so around noon today, I asked him what we were gonna do on Monday. I was kinda excited. Let’s do something really random.

A little while later, almost an hour later I think, he tells me hold on. He’s at work. So I say okay.

And then it’s five o’clock. And I ask him if he’s thought of something we could do? After ten minutes, I said that I wanted to go on a really long walk. And then twenty minutes after, I asked we’re still doing something, right?

Honestly, maybe I’m overreacting and acting way too eager, but I am a little afraid right now. Afraid that he’ll go turn around and change his mind and tell me we cant see each other on Monday. And that feeling, the feeling I’ve been anticipating for the last hour is just so fucking screwed up. Because wow, even though I’m really  mad and upset that he went out on a date, I really wanted to see him and send the day with him and just be with him.

And now I’m afraid that that’s not going to happen. It’s been almost an hour and half since I sent that text about asking if he thought of something. And now I just feel super anxious and I’m trying not to stare at my phone that’s seated right next to me. And I’m hoping we’re gonna see each there on Monday. I was really looking forward to it.

But is this how he treats that new girl he’s talking to?

Now I don’t know if I should hate him or if I should continue loving him or what. Honestly, I feel so torn about all this and I care so much. And I’m afraid and scared. And hurt and angry and in love and I really want to see him.

He went on a date…

Well I feel a little crushed right now, although I guess I’m still in so much in shock and pretending I don’t care, to really pull in all the ways I really feel.

So a little background information on this story line. Which my by the way is all true.

I was feeling stressed so I messaged him this long list of all the things I wanted to tell him. And in the end I apologized to him and told him damn it, I love him. And he said hello. So we went from there last night. And I told him to text me. And he texted me at 3:40 in the morning and told me to text him when I woke up and I texted back this morning. And he asked me how I was. and I said a little stressed and a little tired. and he asked if I was stressed of us? Or school? And I said school. And he asked me if I was at school. And I said I was with my auntie, that Fridays were my light days. And he said ‘so you cant eat sushi with me’. And I said no, not today, maybe some other day. And we just started talking about how I was kinda stressed about school and he said he was kinda stressed about how he wasn’t in school right now. And then I asked if we could see each other. And he said on Monday.

And then when I asked him about the time he was picking me up, he didn’t respond right away. And then when he told me he was trying to rest for a an hour and he would text me later. And he did. But then he told me, he felt that if we hung out next week, he felt like all  was gonna do was tell him how I hated what he’s been doing and ask him when he was gong to talk to me and he thought I was gonna ask if he’s been talking to anyone else.

And honestly, we’re probably gonna talk about all that. But honestly, I wasn’t really thinking about any of this, I was just thinking about how I wanted to see him. Because he makes me feel easier when I’m stressed and I like talking to him with no filter because I like talking to him when I don’t get muddled into the mess of being mad at him. And even when I’m mad, I feel comfortable telling him about it.

So the point was as soon as he said all that, the red flags kinda raised themselves. But then I said, I wasn’t even gonna ask him what he’s been doing. Because I just wanted to do something with him. And I just thought all he was doing was working and seeing his friends all this time.

And so I told him not to ruin this for us. And he said alright.

And then I asked if he was gonna pick me up at the time I said and he said sure.

But then I asked why he thought that I would ask why he would think I would hate what he’s been doing? I kinda thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I thought he was just working and seeing his friends. And he said that just sounded like something I would say. So I thought fair enough.But then I asked the next question.

Has he been/is talking to other girls? Like is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t thinking about it, but he was the one who had mentioned it. And then he said, ‘damn I guess there was no way to avoid this huh’.

And I said ‘damn I don’t think so. so you might as well just say it now’ After six minutes of no response, I said ‘so are you?’

And while waiting for a response, I cry a little in the bathroom. Because up until this time, when I worried about him going on dates, I just told myself he wasn’t. He was probably just working and hanging out with his friends. And I told myself to be strong, to just in ever the case, to tell him to never come back because I wasn’t coming back to this. But when the time came, this is not what I said. Because I knew I couldn’t really let him go that easy.

So he tells me he went on a date. And I am in shock and I am in sadness and I am in I don’t know anymore. Because here I am, knowing full well, that I love him, but knowing that this kinda breaks my heart.

And I ask ‘Why?’ And he says ‘Because’.

And so I say the most honest thing I could think of. ‘Why you couldn’t you just hold out for me? When did you do this?’

And he told me he didn’t have to tell me any of this.

And so I asked if he was seeing someone now. And he said ‘I said one date’.

So I said ‘but you’re going on another?’ And when I got no immediate response,  I said ‘okay, so you are. we can still see each other and be friends right?’

And he told me to relax.

And then I said more honest things. ‘Woah I am relaxed. Golly, I’m contemplating and pretending this is nothing while doing my eyebrow. Now go back and answer my questions.

‘Woah, you there. Like honestly, I’m confused how to react because I kinda see you as my boy. but at the same time, I am a bit interested.’ And then I said his name.

And so he tells me ‘ hey I don’t really have to or want to answer.’

And so I try to reason with ‘oh, hold on though we can still be friends and see each other on Monday?’ After three minutes, I say ‘hmmmm?’.

And he says yeah.

And I say cool. Is he busy tonight? Can we talk on facebook?

And he says no, not tonight.

And so I say ‘okay then. Look at you, going on date number 2. (I’m teasing you.) I really hope we make better friends than being a couple though.’

I feel sad. Because it’s probably one of those girls from facebook he looked up. And I think I’m gonna delete those message son my phone now. Does it make me pathetic that  still want to be his friend, that I love him that much?

Am I overreacting? Does one date not mean anything? Will there be a second date? Or will there not be?

Does he still love me? Then why would he go on a date, so soon too? The last time we were seeing each other was the beginning of March. What is this? Doesn’t he love me?

What the fuck is this? I feel mad and upset and confused. And yet, I am happy we’re talking again. And I love the idea of seeing him and spending Monday with him and just taking a break from studying and just being in the comfort of him. But now, I don’t know what to feel after he told me he went on a date. And it sounds like he’s going on another date. And now it sounds like he’s seeing someone or definitely talking to someone. And the feeling is just lost on me.

Like fuck you know. I just earned all of this like an hour ago. And my heart’s a little broken. And it feels like a band-aid’s been taken off by hearing this, but only to reveal a bruise.

And I asked him now if he was still awake at 1:25 Am, right now. And I know he is. But he’s not answering. And plus, I don’t really know what to say.

Update: And at 3:00 in the morning, after writing an unsent love letter to him, I sent the following text: I’m sorry for overreacting earlier. I wasn’t really relaxed.

 

 

 

 

 

Until the Summer…

I don’t know if I should’ve told him those things that I last texted him. Now it’ll be forever until we speak again. Damn, why did I say it was all physical when in truth, I know that it wasn’t. That was only part of us. Why did I say I don’t think he really cares?  That I didn’t like loving him this way, to love him but not be loved back? That I needed to forget? Why did I say those things? We could’ve talked too.

And I said I wasn’t going to reach out first. That I did that too much to no reply. Now it really is going to be forever until we speak again.

And I’d say I’d ruined it, but he ruined it too, right? Yeah he did.

And now I’m sitting up in bed trying to feel everything through. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I’m okay.

Then again, I spent about two hours looking up him and his friends that are girls, not because I think anything’s going on, although at first I was just looking for shit. After a while, I think I was just looking through things just because  wanted to see a piece of him, you know, just living, being himself, maybe in the background of some picture or maybe someone will just mention him in a post. Because wow, I feel a little but deprived of him. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t think about him all the time and that I don’t look for him or his car in just about any scenario, especially in town. Because sometimes, I wish we could just see each other and forget this all happened.

But fuck, you know, finals and everything is coming up and I gotta be strong for all that. So maybe it was best I sent him those half-angry, half-in love messages, tinged with my craziness, saying ‘until summer’ even though he wasn’t really talking to me at all.

I was looking up what stage I’m in of this breakup. And I think I’m somewhere in between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think I’m in acceptance. Hopefully Ive passed Isolation and Anger. I want to say I’ve accepted. Who knows?

Obviously looking through his facebook every day and reading his messages, trying to see who has the most mutual friends with and correlating it with the significant other theorem from discrete math isn’t helping. Because of course I’m not going to find anything on there. I was his ‘significant other’ and I didn’t have a proper facebook, so of course that theorem doesn’t apply to us. That’s for the other 68%.

But damn it, I miss him. If I’m not thinking about math or econ or the future, I’m thinking about him. Or I’m thinking about them all at the same time. Like the other day when he showed up in my dream to help me study for econ or was it math? And I just felt really content with that dream. Of him being there while I studied, of being my study buddy. We’ve never done that because I don’t think I can get any real studying done with him around.

Anyways, until the summer. For now, studying. That and writing to keep me sane.

If that boy really loves me, he’ll be there when this semester is all done.

 

 

Love Myself

So  I did yesterday what I said what I would not do. I looked up all those girls and I opened up his Facebook. And just started at everything for a good twenty minutes. And I found nothing.

The only thing that I quite fixated on was trying to figure out of I thought S was pretty. And I guess he is. But then I looked at myself in the mirror and I sat up and took pictures of me on the computer and you know what? I’m pretty too. So this comparing thing is bullshit right now. Because fuck, I’m pretty.

And he probably doesn’t know the effect he on me with how deep I take this jealousy, which is why after all this time I am sill mad. And fuck, I’m pretty and I’m really smart. And when we weren’t mad, we got along and we clicked and it was fucking great.

And he just ruined everything. I mean, he didn’t cheat on me or anything, but he did things that were just as bad and hurtful and it didn’t ruin my confidence or anything and it didn’t ruin my self-esteem because I have high self-esteem, but it feels like he distorted my self-image in ways we didn’t realize.

And I don’t like that feels. I hadn’t been so jealous and caught up in a boy since I was thirteen. And even then, it didn’t feel like this. I didn’t constantly compare if I was prettier or better than another girl. I knew who I was and I felt secure in knowing that I was pretty and smart and all those things. And now, it’s like I know those things, but I feel the constant need to compare against those other girls, especially S.

And the crazy thing is, I know my person. And I know I’m pretty and I’m smart. And I’ll even say I’m prettier than her and I’m smarter and fuck, you know, I know I’m great.

And while I love him and I love the way he makes me feel when we’re together, like actually with each other, sitting side by side, I don’t like the way he makes me feel when I think about him in retrospect. Like I was loved, and that I was everything but nothing at all. I don’t like that. In fact, I hate that.

And you know what, the way he made me feel, did make me feel like I was lowering my self-worth in his eyes. And my sister has been trying to tell me this and my friend tried to tell me this, that I didn’t have to lower my self-worth because of this guy. And that he’s a loser.

Because in truth, I know that he makes me feel like I am lowering myself when I’m with him. And I think for a long time, I didn’t want to admit this. And I feel like my sister’s been trying to tell me this, and I’ve just been avoiding it and trying to brush it off. But the more I think about it and the more I find myself comparing, I know it. And you know what? I am worth much more than all those other girls combined. Because I chose to stick around and love him openly. I am not like the rest. I am so much better. And he didn’t realize that. He didn’t realize that I was worth much more.

And so fuck it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am so much more than this. And I’m great. I don’t need him to tell me that. I already know.