Losing Hype in the Hypeman

Right now I am stressed for finals on Wednesday and Thursday, so I will take a brief study break to vent.

I texted him. I texted him tonight like over 5 minutes ago. Not that I expect him to text me back. Last time I checked, last Wednesday I was still blocked.

Anyways, putting that present negativity to the side, let me be honest with some of my thoughts.

He is my favorite person to talk to when I am stress, but for the past year, well over a year actually, he has been quite terrible at providing any sort of comfort. He’s not there for me. He pushes my feelings to the side. To be real, I have a guy friend that’s way more comforting to talk to at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. The other day I went dancing and I was happy. And I was thinking he deserves to be happy too. More on that later though, as I still haven’t developed much of an opinion, except that everyone should be happy.

Anyways, I was thinking about him while I was cleaning today and I started to realize our relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. I want a relationship that people see and they think ‘man, that guy loves her a lot’. I want a relationship that my future kids will admire. And I want a relationship where my significant other supports me no matter what. I don’t want someone who disregards my feelings and constantly leaves when things get heavy. I want someone that’ll lift me higher when I feel down.

And right now, he’s none of those things to me. I keep pushing to start something back up with him. Partly, because I am so comfortable and sentimental because he is my first love. And partly because sometimes I think he is magic. But I have to accept he hasn’t been there for me for a very long time. He hasn’t had a real conversation with me in months. He hasn’t even asked to see me. And right now, he’s reverted back to ignoring me for the long haul of what will probably be months as I pathetically glance at my phone every five minutes.

And sometimes it makes me feel terrible, that I can talk about him with so much love when in truth he hasn’t shown me love since last October. It makes me feel weak to know that I keep waiting on something magical to happen. To think he’s probably desperate to have a girlfriend,  to talk to any girl that’s halfway decent looking, but he doesn’t want to talk to me? That he’ll block me and ignore my calls and not add me back on social media. Me? The person that loves him the most.

Is it so wrong of me to believe that something beautiful and random will happen? Because I’m kinda starting to think it is. It’s been too long. And to be honest, I’m losing a little hope in him. Sure I have faith that he’ll eventually, eventually come back. But yes, I am starting to lose the hope I once had in him. To think, I held on so tight after 4 years of back and forth. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting on anymore.



Get Hyped

So I’m gonna go and study for a solid 2 and half hours, but I have the urge to write first. So I will.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. And to be honest, I’m not sure why. He didn’t treat me very nicely all the time and in certain moments, he made me feel awkward. The last time I saw him, he was beyond mean to me. And the last we were texting each other, not only did he admit that he was “unofficially talking” to someone, but we also ended that entire week long conversation on a bad note, where he decided to leave because he thought I was “unreasonably” stressed out about school.

Every month, usually around my period or not, I contact him with ‘how are you’ or ‘I miss you’ or ‘can we skip to the part where we’re friends’. Once I even sent him a letter through email. He ignores me though.

And every few months, he pops in, randomly if I may add. He says he misses me. Or he asks me how I am. Or maybe once in a blue moon, he actually responds to one of my text messages with an ‘I miss talking to you too’ or ‘I’m good. How are you?’.

And then we talk for a little, days or week or a week and a half, and it all turns to shit. We admit we still love each other, some shit like that. But he’s not ready to see me yet. Or he’s being shady during conversation, half answering questions, waiting a long time to respond to me, saying I’m talking too much. We get into it. Some random argument that comes out of left field which is actually pent up anger from our old relationship over things we all did wrong. Or maybe he’s just too stressed out with his own life to add me back into it. So he blocks me. And I ramble for days or weeks until I give up for a few months. Eventually he unblocks me and someone says something.

And then the cycle repeats itself because I have it so bad for him.

And I don’t know what it is about him that makes him so special to me. He shows up in my dreams to go back and forth with me. Sometimes we kiss in my dreams. In other dreams, we make plans that he doesn’t show for. I literally tried to get a job at the same mall as him just to so I could see him everyday. And when I didn’t get that seasonal job, I was devastated.

The other day I was starting to crush on my study buddy from class, but then my sister ran into my ex’s Instagram account. And everything came back like a flood. And I forgot that I was crushing on my friend and I just kept staring at my ex’s pictures. I told myself he looked fat, that he was gaining weight, and that the grammar and syntax of his account made him look lame. I said to myself, “This guy doesn’t even know how to use social media correctly”. But that’s not really how I felt.

I looked at his pictures and I remembered the guy that used to hug me, where I’d come up to his stomach and he felt like a giant. I looked at his jacket and tried to recall if that was the jacket I used to tug the pockets of when we were arguing. I looked at his gray beanie and wondered if that was the same one he threw off when we started kissing each other the first winter we were together. I looked at his teeth and remembered how we used to clink teeth when we made out too hard back when we were younger. And I looked at his skin and wondered if he was tired. And I looked at his hair and saw it was thick at the top, just the way I liked it. And yes, he had gained a little weight, but I looked and I knew that these were all things I still love.

I reread and reread all three of his posts. I looked through all 15 followers he had after making the account 2 days before. Eventually, I liked his pictures. And followed him too.

But he wouldn’t follow me back. So I took back my likes and unfollowed him.

Later when looking him up today, I found a YouTube video skit of him that he and his friend had made. And it had me shaking. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. The longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him. Almost 9 months. And I hate it. I hate not seeing him. Anyways, I watched it over 5 times. It was in his house. On his couch. And it all looked familiar. And it made me so confused. To just see a video of him and have a flood  of emotions.

Do I even remember how it feels to kiss him? I remember how it felt running my hands through his fro, but how did his lips feel on mine again? I don’t remember.

A Reintroduction of Me

So I’ve just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

No lie. It’s been so damn long.

I haven’t written in a while. So I think I should reintroduce myself. My name is Cecilia and when I was 18, I fell in love, like the somewhat dangerous, intense kind that you don’t tell your parents about. Now fast-forward 4 years and here we are. Three years of back and forth with the same boy from community college and one full year of confusing I love you, I miss you texts. We have left the easy going life of junior college and have stepped two years into actual 4-year universities. He’s at our local state college. I’m a top public university. And we still live in our small town.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go back to regular blogging, shall we?