Right now I am stressed for finals on Wednesday and Thursday, so I will take a brief study break to vent.
I texted him. I texted him tonight like over 5 minutes ago. Not that I expect him to text me back. Last time I checked, last Wednesday I was still blocked.
Anyways, putting that present negativity to the side, let me be honest with some of my thoughts.
He is my favorite person to talk to when I am stress, but for the past year, well over a year actually, he has been quite terrible at providing any sort of comfort. He’s not there for me. He pushes my feelings to the side. To be real, I have a guy friend that’s way more comforting to talk to at the moment.
I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. The other day I went dancing and I was happy. And I was thinking he deserves to be happy too. More on that later though, as I still haven’t developed much of an opinion, except that everyone should be happy.
Anyways, I was thinking about him while I was cleaning today and I started to realize our relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. I want a relationship that people see and they think ‘man, that guy loves her a lot’. I want a relationship that my future kids will admire. And I want a relationship where my significant other supports me no matter what. I don’t want someone who disregards my feelings and constantly leaves when things get heavy. I want someone that’ll lift me higher when I feel down.
And right now, he’s none of those things to me. I keep pushing to start something back up with him. Partly, because I am so comfortable and sentimental because he is my first love. And partly because sometimes I think he is magic. But I have to accept he hasn’t been there for me for a very long time. He hasn’t had a real conversation with me in months. He hasn’t even asked to see me. And right now, he’s reverted back to ignoring me for the long haul of what will probably be months as I pathetically glance at my phone every five minutes.
And sometimes it makes me feel terrible, that I can talk about him with so much love when in truth he hasn’t shown me love since last October. It makes me feel weak to know that I keep waiting on something magical to happen. To think he’s probably desperate to have a girlfriend, to talk to any girl that’s halfway decent looking, but he doesn’t want to talk to me? That he’ll block me and ignore my calls and not add me back on social media. Me? The person that loves him the most.
Is it so wrong of me to believe that something beautiful and random will happen? Because I’m kinda starting to think it is. It’s been too long. And to be honest, I’m losing a little hope in him. Sure I have faith that he’ll eventually, eventually come back. But yes, I am starting to lose the hope I once had in him. To think, I held on so tight after 4 years of back and forth. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting on anymore.