Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Seventeen

Dear You again,

Not like I’m going a little crazy, blocking every girl I don’t like on your Facebook account, which I bet you totally know I go own. Hence, that message I sent you about two or three weeks ago asking you to change your password because seeing you just look up other girls was driving me a little insane and I think I might’ve told you it was hurting me. I don’t know, I don’t remember what I told you anymore. And of course, out of spite and perhaps not really caring,(although perhaps the joke is on you because you’re status still says you’re in a relationship (ahem, with me although it doesn’t say by name but it says our the day when we started in 2013)), you didn’t change the password.

And now every day I go and log in and look at your Facebook. And see what you like and which girls you occasionally search and then I pretend to not feel jealous as I see familiar and not so familiar faces of pretty and not so pretty girls. And you don’t friend them, you just look them up once or twice and that’s it. And I sit at home and wonder why. And then out of trying to forget that you’re doing this and that it hurts me, I delete your search history and silently pretend that you never bothered looking up other girls.

And those random girls that are friends of yours, that poked you on facebook, I blocked them too out of jealousy. All but one of them, bbecause I did not feel jealous of that one.

Anyways, I miss you. And I’m mad at you. Because why the fuck are you looking up other girls? What the fuck, you know?

Why cant you just go about your day, go to work, maybe see your friends, and then just go home and miss me? Why can’t you just do that?

I don’t know what I want, but if you really did want me, why couldn’t you just sit your ass still for once and just wait around for me, huh? Why can’t you just be patient and let me be mad and upset and angry with you while I try to calm myself down? Why can’t you just sit and wait for this wave to pass?

Baby, what are you doing? Why are you looking up these other girls? Don’t you love me? Don’t you miss me? Can’t you just wait for me? Like I waited it out for you when you told me you were confused, when you told me you didn’t want to be with me, when you didn’t know what you wanted last fall?

Remember when I waited for you that time? And I chased you and I told you that. And then you figured it out and you wanted us and you missed me and we fell back. And it was amazing.

Why cant you love me like that? To just wait for me, and to know I’ll fall right back and love you again?

Maybe perhaps you’re doing just that and you just look up these girls online because you’re curious and have no real intentions of anything with them. And maybe you are waiting it out for me. And you’re waiting for us to be ready again. Meanwhile, you’re just looking these girls up to pass the time between missing me and meanwhile, I’m in bed overreacting reading the lines all wrong. If only. I kinda hope that’s the way it is.

I am a little afraid that you only fall back to me because you think I am your only option. And I suppose the same would go for me in that case, like maybe I only go for you just because you’re there. Like what if you only come back around because I’m just there. And I only fall back because you’re always just there. To be honest though, I don’t like to think of it that way. I think we always fall back, not bcause we’re just there, but because we love each other a lot. And sure, we’re crazy comfortbale and we like the comfort in knowing that we have each other, but I like to think we fall back together because when we’re not fighting, we’re really good. Like the overall feeling of us, it’s just amazing. And sure, physically, sexually, that’s amazing too, but when it’s just us, being us’ laughing, that just, that just feels good. And I want to dismiss it as nothing, but I know and you know, what we had, what we still have is special.

And I want to pretend so badly that you don’t have a hold on me and that I will cease to chase you, but here I am, laying in bed ay almost midnight, typing you letter seventeen in a hypothetical stack of unsent letters.

Golly I miss you. And after getting mad at me since I got mad at you about snapchat weeks ago and me apologizing for going crazy and asking you on a picnic days later because I wanted to, you aren’t talking to me. And I, out of safety for wanting to think I made the choice of not talking, told you last Wednesday, I said sorry (again) for acting crazy and that I was going to leave you alone for a little while at least until I stop feeling so needy for you and until I stop feeling so mad. It’s confusing. And I meant it this time. And I told you I love you so much and I meant that too. And I told you to take care. And that I miss you all the time. And I apologized if all sounded repetitive.

And now I’m on day five going on day six of not speaking and I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I need to stop opening up your Facebook account. I bet you know I log on too. And I just need to stop. You’re not dating anyone and you’re not seeing anyone and you’re not crushing on anyone. You just look these girls up out of curiosity since some of them are pretty. Nothing weird is happening. I need to calm down. There’s nothing going on.

I broke up with you because I wasn’t sure. I provoked you into being mad at me all that time because I wanted you to pop, so I could break up with you because I was so mad and confused, I didn’t know if I wanted you. And I needed time alone to figure it out. And you, I was so mad, you didn’t even know about me anymore because I was so mad at you and you didn’t know how to fix what you did because it was so old and so wrong, the storyline with S.

And so right now, I know eventually I’ll forgive you because I love you and your my boy. And I know when that time really comes, when I don’t feel mad anymore and you can tell I’m not going crazy in my mind contemplating your mistakes, I know we’ll be alright. And I’ll take you right back because you’re mine and I know you’ll take me right back because you know I’m your girl and I know you love me.

So I’m not gonna trip about this part right here. The part where you look up other girls because they don’t matter. None of it matters. The part where I am missing from your life and you’re missing in mine, this part of our story won’t really matter in the long run. Because who cares about the middle if we end up together in the end? And I know we will. Honey, I love you. And I know you love me too.

To be honest, I know we’re just gonna forgive each other for everything. And honestly, I don’t think any of us is doing anything wrong. We need this time to be our own people. And so you do you right now, and I’ll do my own thing. And when it’s our time, it’ll be our time again.

I’m guessing it’ll be the summer. Right now, we are not safe. I am still mad at you for everything and you’re still annoyed with me for being needy (which is really less about me caring about you, when really I’m just upset and angry at you ad I need you to justify you’re wrongness. And you’re viewing it as clingy, when really it’s just me being mad at you still).

You know people probably think we have all these problems and we do have problems, but no one except me and you know the real us. Of us, when we’re alone, of us holding hands in the car, of us singing songs, of us rolling and wrestling in the covers, of us talking on a bench with your head in my lap, of me running my hands through your hair. No one knows how we act when we’re good. No one knows except me and you.

And fuck, I don’t want to lose that.

Sometimes I wish you could find these letters and just find this blog, so you cold find these letters. And you could read everything that went unsent. We’re not going to talk for a long time this time, and I really hope you say something first. Because I’m not going to, I can’t always be first.

So I hope you find these. And I hope with that you can tell I miss you every day. And maybe then you’ll know how much I love you. But then again, I bet you already know that.

We’re gonna be okay. And we’re gonna be amazing. I just need to breathe and know we’ll be good in the long run. This part doesn’t matter. This is the part where you and I get better and fall back. We just need this time apart.

I need to let go for awhile. Only then can I stop being mad at you and only then can we start to build again.

Letter Seventeen. I guess this letter was as much written to me as it was to you.

I hope you’re doing well honey. And I hope you’re taking care of self and that you’re safe.

I hope this letter wasn’t too long. Imagine if I had emailed you this.

Anyways, goodnight, I love you. I love you so much.

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