In the last 24 hours, I have experienced a bunch of emotions, only to come back full circle.
Because yes, I broke up with him because I was mad at him and I was unsure about what I wanted. and now I kinda think I know what I want and I kinda don’t know, but that’s not stopping me from obsessing about this though when I should be studying for midterms. If only I didn’t check my phone so often, in his hopes of thinking he’ll say something. As if he doesn’t know what to say to me now. He’s proabably a little mad and really annoyed at me for being mad at him.
I guess we’ll all get over it though in a few days, in a few weeks we’ll be okay.
So I saw my friend M yesterday and told him about everything. And he told me about how on his (as in my ex-boyfriend’s) snapchat story a few weeks ago (M had some trouble figuring out if it was a month or two months, so we settled on a month ago, in which I’m guessing was really a few weeks ago. To give some point of reference, me and Z were talking and we were talking a month ago and we were trying to work it out), he hung out with An (a girl he knows I don’t like, but is his friend and neighbor. And to be real, I’m not jealous of her and I’m not threatened because I know he wouldn’t do anything with her because they’re just friends for sure. And M said he thought it was weird, but he didn’t think it was like a date, it looked like she showed up in more than two of the pictures (yes, two of the pictures, not 2 different snapchat stories, its one snapchat story she was in, he guesses, more than two pictures) of the snapchat story and he thinks they were just friends/neighbors hanging out, but yeah, he thought it was weird. And M doesn’t know if it was just the two of them or what, but she was in more than two of the pictures and he only saw her in the picture, and he doenst remember seeing anyone else in the snapchat story. (Also, she’s pretty gross). But when M told me, I was still felt really mad about it. In his car? or was it her car? For the whole day? They went somewhere to eat? It looked like they were near that pretty view outside near his house? (okay, well, I know they live near each other, but still, why the fuck were they near there?) they only went out to get food? local, you said?
Okay, take it back. I was jealous. And sure, he doesn’t An that way, but you know I felt upset. Because my boy? Snapchatting about a girl he knows I clearly don’t like? And he spent the day with her? And yeah, I don’t really think he did anything wrong. But damn, he doesn’t even post pictures of us on snapchat.
So M told me that. And I knew that nothing was going on with An and Z (my ex-boyfriend), but I was still pretty mad about everything. And I wasn’t going to talk to him for at least I guess a month or I guess two months, but I was talking about him, and of everything I was mad about and of how much I loved him. And for all the bad things I sad about him, I also, unsusprisingly, had a lot of good things to say about him. I just reminisced of everything I loved about him. I didn’t say all the things I loved, but I named a few, and it felt good.
And while in the car with my friend M, he and I were talking about how I could start a text to Z. Because you know what? I was pretty mad about the snapchat thing, but I was also missing him. And so I texted ‘Can we please talk?’.
And then I decided to call, because I wanted to see if he had blocked me. And I didn’t think he would answer which is why I had it on speaker. And then I heard the familiar sound of his voice.
And I said hello. And he told me he would talk to me later. And I said text me later. And he told me he would talk to me later, he was kinda busy selling hundred-thousand dollar cars (to be real, I don’t really care. I guess it’s kinda cool, but I don’t care). And I said text me later then. I ask him to promise. And he tells me to take it easy. And I say I am easy. And he says what? And I say I’m easy. And then he says he’ll talk to me later. And I say bye.
To be honest, after that, I felt kinda excited. Because I love talking to him. And just, wow, I feel so happy when we talk. And so I told M about it (who had left the car when Z answered my call). And I continued talking to M about my feelings. Of how, in the end, I did want us to get back together. And I think I told M that I wanted me and Z to just go slow. And I said I was tired of being mad, if I remember correctly.
To be honest, in the beginning of yesterday, I was pretty content in being without Z for a while, like for the next one to two months. And to be honest, I wasn’t sure of what I wanted.
But towards the end of yesterday, I was telling the story of us, and I knew. I know. And I don’t think I said it out loud, but I’m pretty sure we all know. I really want my boyfriend back.
And M was telling me that he thought Z was gonna call me. And I was saying I know my boy, he’s not going to. And I said I wouldn’t die of heartbreak that night if he didn’t because he wouldn’t.
And he did.
And he said what’s up. And you know I was mad about An, but in that moment, I was kind of a goner. I mean, I feel like I had started off nice because I wanted to reel him in to yell at him about snapchat, but as soon as I saw he had texted me, I just, I forgot. And I couldn’t figure out what to say because I felt how in love I was. And so I said I miss you very much. How’ve you been?
And to be honest, I wasn’t planning on us getting back together or making up, I just, in that moment, I just wanted to say I missed him. Just because.
And he didn’t answer right away. I guess an hour passed?
And I said why aren’t you saying anything?
And he said hold on. And I said okay.
And then an hour later he told me, ‘I really think it could work out if you could hide your neediness’.
And I said I think so too. (Nevermind, that I didn’t read that in any mean tone. I just, you know, I collapsed.)
And then he tells me, ‘I’m not saying I don’t have problems too. I’m just saying this for me to be okay in this relationship’.
And so I said okay. I accept.
And he says ‘accept what?’.
And I want to tell you that I didn’t think we were making up right there, but yeah, you know I thought we kinda were. So I said I really think we could work out too. And then later on I texted that I was just saying that I accept what he said. That it’s true.
And so I logged into his facebook. And I saw that he had been receiving pokes from An. And that was like two weeks ago and that there were pokes 13 times. And I wasn’t sure if he poked her back, but I was so mad. I blocked her. And then I realized you could see who was poking who. So I unblocked her, but then I couldn’t tell. But to be real, I think she had been poking him because I don think he really checks these. And so I blocked this other girl that had poked him like 5 times in a row within the last two weeks. I saw another girl who was poking him like 5 times but I knew she was only friends with him, so I left that alone. Okay, so I know that An is really just his friends, but excuse me, I was mad. So actually, once facebook let’s me, I’m blocking her too.
Okay, so I went about my day, trying to figure out what our messages meant last night. And so yeah, I guess I kinda knew we weren’t getting back together right away, but I knew something was happening. And so I was trying to prepare myself for whatever came next.And I told myself if we get back together, I was gonna make him pay.
Okay, well yes, I broke up with him, but still I broke up with him because he messed up. Anyways, I didn’t know how I was really gonna make him pay, I was mainly just focusing on how we talked yesterday. And how it made me happy.
And so while I class, decided to text him ‘so what do you want to do?’.
And he texted back. ‘Nothing actually, I don’t think there’s anything you can Change about that’.
And so I texted him back that I wasn’t going to do anything about it. I just didn’t know where he was going yesterday.
And then I really thought about saying those things I was mad about. So I left the classroom and told him. And I said yeah, I called him yesterday because yeah, I missed him, but I really only called because I heard about snapchat and that made me really mad. And I felt betrayed. And he asked why?
And I said An? That’s really gross ad he knows I hate her. I’m not even on his snapchat.
And then I really thought about it. Because I know they’re only friends and he knows I don’t like her and I know he usually posts just him on snapchat and I realized he must’ve only don’t that out of spite and that he did that on purpose because he knew I would see. (Yeah, that’s what I’m telling myself because he told me he’d get me back for the indian guy). And then I went off.
I told him I didn’t want to get back together (yet). And that yeah, I’m not saying he did anything wrong because I don’t think he did and I’m not saying I feel threatened by her because I not. I’m just saying he did that on purpose and it was out of spite he did that on his snapchat. And then I said I did feel very betrayed.
And then I said yeah, I guess we really could work out if I wasn’t so ‘needy’ because I care about him a lot. But you know what? that’s not the real problem. I really think we could out if he stops being so full of himself.
And then I was so mad while riding the train, I pulled out my journal and I saw my last entry.
A few weeks ago, the day after I told him I didn’t want to go slow with him and that I was still mad about everything and that I loved him but I couldn’t do this because I needed to be without him and that I wanted him and I wanted us, but not now. Maybe we could try again in a few months.
And on March 16th, the day after I sent him that message, I decdied to talk to a boy, the same boy I told him about, whom I, by the way, have absolutely no feelings for and who also doesn’t like me in that way, but to be real I don’t care about him so I don’t care what he thinks, I spent an hour talking to him and his friends.
And on that day I wrote in my journal, I am doing this out of spite.
And on the inside, I laughed at myself. At the irony. Because I’m guessing, Z did that too because he was mad at me. And I tried befriending that boy a few weeks ago because I was mad at him.
For the record, I tried befriending that boy once before( read: I talked to him in the library about out class for about an hour, then I asked him about himself and the talk was alright, but then I mentioned my ex-boyfriend out nowhere), which is how I know I don’t like him at all in that way), the day I got mad at Z about two months ago. And I told Z about this last month, and I kinda joked about that I liked the indian guy and I think Z might’ve got jealous because he told me he was gonna get me back for that one. Well, touché. Well-played.
And just, you know, I didn’t know how to feel because here I was, realizing I was doing things out of spite, hoping Z was doing things out of spite because I think that was out of spite. As in, maybe, as I believe, he only did that to make me mad.
And I told M about that. And I told him to mention when he sees Z that he saw me, nito beause Z would feel jealous (M has a girlfriend)but because it would bother him. But then I thought about it, then I told M not to do that, that was mean. I said I was gonna get him back for that though.
So although I believe that he only posted An on his snapchat because he was mad at me a few weeks ago, and I’m trying to get over that, I guess I am more upset about the thought of us and of how he doesn’t want to get back together.
And I’m not saying we won’t ever get back together because I know we will. It’s just the time in between us, it always feels a little bit like forever.
And I’ve been here before. Typing my heart away, crying about him in the bathroom.
Because I am now right back where I started.
Mad and upset and so, so in love with him.
And I guess all I can do is really sit it out and wait and try to figure out what I really want. I’m not really mad at him anymore and being without him, it’s good I tell myself for us to have space. But I don’t want him to be with anyone else, like fuck, he’s mine.
And I think I am more upset than anything. But I don’t really want to talk about it. Id rather pretend I’m mad.
And I know we’ll fall back, we always do, but I hate this waiting for everyone to simmer down nonsense. It takes so long. And I know he’ll come back around and we’ll work everything out in the long run, so for now, I’ll just try and forget.
Maybe one day, he’ll find my blog.