Losing Hype in the Hypeman

Right now I am stressed for finals on Wednesday and Thursday, so I will take a brief study break to vent.

I texted him. I texted him tonight like over 5 minutes ago. Not that I expect him to text me back. Last time I checked, last Wednesday I was still blocked.

Anyways, putting that present negativity to the side, let me be honest with some of my thoughts.

He is my favorite person to talk to when I am stress, but for the past year, well over a year actually, he has been quite terrible at providing any sort of comfort. He’s not there for me. He pushes my feelings to the side. To be real, I have a guy friend that’s way more comforting to talk to at the moment.

I’ve been thinking about my ex a lot. The other day I went dancing and I was happy. And I was thinking he deserves to be happy too. More on that later though, as I still haven’t developed much of an opinion, except that everyone should be happy.

Anyways, I was thinking about him while I was cleaning today and I started to realize our relationship wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. I want a relationship that people see and they think ‘man, that guy loves her a lot’. I want a relationship that my future kids will admire. And I want a relationship where my significant other supports me no matter what. I don’t want someone who disregards my feelings and constantly leaves when things get heavy. I want someone that’ll lift me higher when I feel down.

And right now, he’s none of those things to me. I keep pushing to start something back up with him. Partly, because I am so comfortable and sentimental because he is my first love. And partly because sometimes I think he is magic. But I have to accept he hasn’t been there for me for a very long time. He hasn’t had a real conversation with me in months. He hasn’t even asked to see me. And right now, he’s reverted back to ignoring me for the long haul of what will probably be months as I pathetically glance at my phone every five minutes.

And sometimes it makes me feel terrible, that I can talk about him with so much love when in truth he hasn’t shown me love since last October. It makes me feel weak to know that I keep waiting on something magical to happen. To think he’s probably desperate to have a girlfriend,  to talk to any girl that’s halfway decent looking, but he doesn’t want to talk to me? That he’ll block me and ignore my calls and not add me back on social media. Me? The person that loves him the most.

Is it so wrong of me to believe that something beautiful and random will happen? Because I’m kinda starting to think it is. It’s been too long. And to be honest, I’m losing a little hope in him. Sure I have faith that he’ll eventually, eventually come back. But yes, I am starting to lose the hope I once had in him. To think, I held on so tight after 4 years of back and forth. I keep waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m not even sure what I’m waiting on anymore.

 

Get Hyped

So I’m gonna go and study for a solid 2 and half hours, but I have the urge to write first. So I will.

I miss my ex-boyfriend. And to be honest, I’m not sure why. He didn’t treat me very nicely all the time and in certain moments, he made me feel awkward. The last time I saw him, he was beyond mean to me. And the last we were texting each other, not only did he admit that he was “unofficially talking” to someone, but we also ended that entire week long conversation on a bad note, where he decided to leave because he thought I was “unreasonably” stressed out about school.

Every month, usually around my period or not, I contact him with ‘how are you’ or ‘I miss you’ or ‘can we skip to the part where we’re friends’. Once I even sent him a letter through email. He ignores me though.

And every few months, he pops in, randomly if I may add. He says he misses me. Or he asks me how I am. Or maybe once in a blue moon, he actually responds to one of my text messages with an ‘I miss talking to you too’ or ‘I’m good. How are you?’.

And then we talk for a little, days or week or a week and a half, and it all turns to shit. We admit we still love each other, some shit like that. But he’s not ready to see me yet. Or he’s being shady during conversation, half answering questions, waiting a long time to respond to me, saying I’m talking too much. We get into it. Some random argument that comes out of left field which is actually pent up anger from our old relationship over things we all did wrong. Or maybe he’s just too stressed out with his own life to add me back into it. So he blocks me. And I ramble for days or weeks until I give up for a few months. Eventually he unblocks me and someone says something.

And then the cycle repeats itself because I have it so bad for him.

And I don’t know what it is about him that makes him so special to me. He shows up in my dreams to go back and forth with me. Sometimes we kiss in my dreams. In other dreams, we make plans that he doesn’t show for. I literally tried to get a job at the same mall as him just to so I could see him everyday. And when I didn’t get that seasonal job, I was devastated.

The other day I was starting to crush on my study buddy from class, but then my sister ran into my ex’s Instagram account. And everything came back like a flood. And I forgot that I was crushing on my friend and I just kept staring at my ex’s pictures. I told myself he looked fat, that he was gaining weight, and that the grammar and syntax of his account made him look lame. I said to myself, “This guy doesn’t even know how to use social media correctly”. But that’s not really how I felt.

I looked at his pictures and I remembered the guy that used to hug me, where I’d come up to his stomach and he felt like a giant. I looked at his jacket and tried to recall if that was the jacket I used to tug the pockets of when we were arguing. I looked at his gray beanie and wondered if that was the same one he threw off when we started kissing each other the first winter we were together. I looked at his teeth and remembered how we used to clink teeth when we made out too hard back when we were younger. And I looked at his skin and wondered if he was tired. And I looked at his hair and saw it was thick at the top, just the way I liked it. And yes, he had gained a little weight, but I looked and I knew that these were all things I still love.

I reread and reread all three of his posts. I looked through all 15 followers he had after making the account 2 days before. Eventually, I liked his pictures. And followed him too.

But he wouldn’t follow me back. So I took back my likes and unfollowed him.

Later when looking him up today, I found a YouTube video skit of him that he and his friend had made. And it had me shaking. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him. The longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him. Almost 9 months. And I hate it. I hate not seeing him. Anyways, I watched it over 5 times. It was in his house. On his couch. And it all looked familiar. And it made me so confused. To just see a video of him and have a flood  of emotions.

Do I even remember how it feels to kiss him? I remember how it felt running my hands through his fro, but how did his lips feel on mine again? I don’t remember.

A Reintroduction of Me

So I’ve just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

No lie. It’s been so damn long.

I haven’t written in a while. So I think I should reintroduce myself. My name is Cecilia and when I was 18, I fell in love, like the somewhat dangerous, intense kind that you don’t tell your parents about. Now fast-forward 4 years and here we are. Three years of back and forth with the same boy from community college and one full year of confusing I love you, I miss you texts. We have left the easy going life of junior college and have stepped two years into actual 4-year universities. He’s at our local state college. I’m a top public university. And we still live in our small town.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go back to regular blogging, shall we?

The First of Many Realizations of 2017

It’s been such a long time since I’ve wrote on here. The interface has probably already changed twice since I’ve last typed something. And to be honest, since then, I guess I’ve been feeling more different than the person I once was before.

Since last writing on here, me and him have went in one full circle and that felt crazy. We saw each other for one day and talked for a week and then it just crumbled really fast. And it felt really good then it felt really terrible. I felt really terrible. Especially after I felt sad for two months. And sometimes now, I still feel a little sad about it.

But I feel different.

I was looking at his friend Z’s Instagram and I was looking at her picture, trying to decipher if I thought she was pretty (read: prettier than me). And you know what? I do think she’s kinda pretty, but I don’t think she’s prettier than me. Like damn, why cant we all just be pretty? And I have no idea why she bothers me so much. She’s no threat to being with my ex-boyfriend. She’s just his friend. I mean, for Pete’s sake, she has a boyfriend that she lives with.

I don’t know. I guess I just feel insecure about how he can be friends with her and all hese other girls, but doesn’t want to be friends with me. And you know, sometimes it bothers me. How he doesn’t feel comfortable getting coffee just yet, how he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to me, how he told me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel comfortable talking to me, how he made me feel awkward the last time I saw him. And you know what? That all hurts a little still.

Especially since after I ran into him, I texted him and told him that I knew about him for sure. That I really did want to be with him and how now I knew for sure when I saw him. How I wrote him a letter some time after telling everything I’ve been wanting to tell him for the last, I don’t know, five months.

But you know what?

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Sure, when we’re not fighting, we get along great. Sure we laugh at the same stuff and we have great conversation and can go on adventures and sing songs and be goofy together. Sure we love each other and feel comfortable. Sure we get along great together in bed. Sure he has a nice car and a job and he treats. Sure he’s going to school to get a degree.

But you know what?

There are tons of guys out there that’ll laugh at my jokes. There are tons of guys who have strong morals they stand by. Guys who’ll treat me way better and won’t run out after every fight. There are guys way smarter and more determined than him. Guys who are at big colleges like me  trying to make a big life for themselves. Guys with much bigger drives and a lot more vision. There are guys out there that want to change the world. And one of those guys will love me.

And so I don’t have to keep chasing this one boy. Because I’m the one that got away. Not him.

 

 

 

 

The Makeup: Falling Back Together

And so we saw each other, and it went really well. In fact, it went so well, I’m ecstatic.

In the end, I decided I didn’t want to know her name and I think he thought it was best too that I didn’t know, and he just told me how it went. It didn’t go well, the conversation didn’t flow, there was no second date, there would be no other dates with this person. It was back in March. And we just talked everything through, about how he was trying to get over me, he didn’t get over me. How I just wanted him to say that the date didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still and he told me it didn’t mean anything and that he loved me still, that was as true as it was on Friday as it was today.

So after spending the morning together, we deiced to get back together. And just honestly, I’m really happy about it. And we said we were gonna go slow and this time, I’m really ready for it. I’m so tired of being mad at him.

We had a really good day today. We got fun socks. We went for a long drive. We talked about everything I wanted to talk about. Damn, he thought it was weird that I looked through his Facebook history, but damn he explained all the questions I had about everything and he didn’t get mad about it. In fact, we had some good laughs, especially about my confusion. We cuddled. We kinda went everywhere. We even had a real serious talk while he tried to wipe some of my tears with his hand. In the end, I feel like that entire long conversation ended with him holding me while we were laughing. What else? He took me everywhere I said I wanted to go. And we play fought and we played video games and we played other games. Ad we went for a long walk and we sat by the water. And wow, overall it was very nice. We had our moments, but all of those don’t compare to all the good. In short, today was everything I wanted it to be.

Everything fell into place by itself. For the first time in a long time, I feel completely at ease in this relationship.

 

Crazy, Not That Crazy

And so this evening he texted me and told me not to be mad, but he wasn’t ready to hang out tomorrow.(Go figure).

And so like any slightly crazy ex-girlfriend, I made up a reason why we should see each other. And so I told him this. I told him I was really stressed with school and finals. And that I needed him to be a friend and I wanted someone to talk to without feeling judged. And that I as feeling a little crazy with all this studying. And I said please a few times in between.

And he reluctantly agreed.

And in that moment, I felt like I played my ace.

_______________________________________________________________

To be honest, I am not that stressed, and I do not feel that crazy from all the studying. In fact, after I learned about how we have a week before finals to just relax and study before finals (which I learned from my classmate’s texts last night), I am actually a little less stressed than I was before. In fact, I have a lot of homework and studying still, but I think I’ll be fine. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever go that crazy, to the point of actually admitting I’m going a little crazy with studying. In fact, I rather like studying. It’s calming and nice and it makes my brain feel strong and mathematics feels like acrobatics of the mind.

I do know though that talking to him tomorrow will help me a little though. Frankly, for all my finals weeks in college (well community college) from the last two years, he was there and he was my stress reliever during that time. And well, now, I think seeing him before I go hard with all this studying for the next two weeks would be a nice pick-me-up to get me going.

To be real though, I really want to see him tomorrow. I’ve been looking forward to this all weekend and honestly, I know talking to him and being with him will help me feel easier inside, especially before I start my hardcore study sessions in the library and just any place I can study, where my main company will come in the form of equations and numbers and mathematical theory. So I am a little grateful abut us seeing each other tomorrow.

On other really honest notes, I do not have an aim for winning him over tomorrow. I am still shocked he went on a  date and I kinda wonder with who. And I kinda wonder if there’ll will be a second date and I kinda wonder if there wont be because maybe she was a girl who was poking him on facebook (which by the way, I blocked that girl and another girl, okay I blocked four or five girls on his account) and maybe since I  did that, it stopped whatever was happening there. I don’t even know if I want to know the name of the girl he went on one date with. I don’t even think I want to know when. I don’t really even want to talk about her. Tomorrow, I just intend to forget the past and the present and just be in the moment with him. And to just feel good.

Anyways, I have no real aim for tomorrow, but that’s not stopping me from wearing my prettiest bra and wearing that shirt I know he likes, and fixing myself up pretty tomorrow. Damn, I even have that letter, Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen, that I might even read to him if I do decide to put up a fight for him. I have no clue. I just know that I’m kinda happy and relieved that we’re seeing each other tomorrow.

And so who knows, I might put up a fight for him. Or maybe I’ll just focus on being friends, but I think the hard part will come in the form of not being able to kiss him. Or him not being able to kiss me.

For the record though, I’m going to make it interesting tomorrow.

Texting: Who Answers and Who Doesn’t

What is this? I just spent the last three hours, on and off texting my classmate, anticipating my ex-boyfriend to text me so we can we can plan what we’re gonna do on Monday. But no, he answers one text like every three hours. At least my classmate texts me back fast and he and I were just texting about class on and off for almost three hours. And all I originally  wanted to know was about the homework. And here I am, still wondering why he hasn’t texted me back yet. All I wanted to know was what museum he wanted to go to, that question is almost three hours old. And I texted ‘Are you there?’ almost an hour ago, to no response.

Maybe this shows I’m chasing after the wrong boy. Because what is he doing but not answering me? I’m gonna skip class for him and I’m all excited to see him, but he’s just not here. My classmate was more “here” for me today than he was. Damn, and he’s still texting me. Why can’t it be the other guy? Why can’t it be my ex-boyfriend’s messages lighting up the screen of my cellphone. Maybe his texts are lighting up the screen of some other girl’s cellphone tonight.

One-Liners: Two Hundred

Thanks for following and listening to me as I go in circles.

Waiting

And so around noon today, I asked him what we were gonna do on Monday. I was kinda excited. Let’s do something really random.

A little while later, almost an hour later I think, he tells me hold on. He’s at work. So I say okay.

And then it’s five o’clock. And I ask him if he’s thought of something we could do? After ten minutes, I said that I wanted to go on a really long walk. And then twenty minutes after, I asked we’re still doing something, right?

Honestly, maybe I’m overreacting and acting way too eager, but I am a little afraid right now. Afraid that he’ll go turn around and change his mind and tell me we cant see each other on Monday. And that feeling, the feeling I’ve been anticipating for the last hour is just so fucking screwed up. Because wow, even though I’m really  mad and upset that he went out on a date, I really wanted to see him and send the day with him and just be with him.

And now I’m afraid that that’s not going to happen. It’s been almost an hour and half since I sent that text about asking if he thought of something. And now I just feel super anxious and I’m trying not to stare at my phone that’s seated right next to me. And I’m hoping we’re gonna see each there on Monday. I was really looking forward to it.

But is this how he treats that new girl he’s talking to?

Now I don’t know if I should hate him or if I should continue loving him or what. Honestly, I feel so torn about all this and I care so much. And I’m afraid and scared. And hurt and angry and in love and I really want to see him.

Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen

“Because we never stop loving silently those we once loved out loud”.

Dear you,

You know I love you, so you know in the end, we’re still going to see ach other on Monday even though I wont know how to act.

And I know it would be wrong of me to tell you how I feel when I know you’re seeing someone new. And sure maybe it was just one date, but what stops that from being two? And then three? I don’t even think I want to know her name for fear of knowing will make it feel as if I’ve lost you forever.

And so come Monday, I’ll respect that you’re dating someone. I’ll respect that because I don’t want that girl to have a story line like you gave me. How S said she had feelings for you still and you had still had feelings for her but how you had a girlfriend, which was me. And how that muddies the great story which I called ‘Us’. And so in the car when you pick me up, I will not defend my hold on you and admit how I love you more than anything. Instead, I will bite my tongue and not say to you all I want to say. Because it would be wrong of me to tell you I loved you still and to win you back if you were with someone else, I don’t want to do that to someone. because I know how it feels. Because I will tell you I love you and you’ll say you love me and the world will feel a little magical, yet confusing, because aren’t you seeing someone else?

And I’ll pretend as if, I wasn’t up at 1:30 in the morning today, crying behind my glasses as I write you another love letter that you will not read.

Had I not cared about the other girl and of you seeing someone else and not caring about muddying your story, her story, and ruining your happy ending, these would’ve been the words I would’ve told you when I saw you Monday, the words I would want to yell at you on Monday while I cried and threw ‘fuck’ into every other sentence of my speech. And so it goes….

I love you. I love you very much.

I thought today we were gonna end up between the sheets and just cuddle for the entire morning and have a picnic and revisit our old spots, the spots that make up our story. Because I have wanted that now for a very ling time. I was even gonna ask you to bring out the picnic basket, the one you bought for my 19th birthday. ( Ha! As if we’re not all around 21 now).

I wanted to feel your lips on mine because that is a feeling I come back to often.

And I wanted to refeel your skin on mine. Because that is a feeling I think about every day and every night. And I wanted you to cuddle me and just be. And I wanted your head in  my lap as you tell me stories and just rest there while I look at you and take the moment in.

I wanted you to hold my hand and just let me run my mouth about my worries and the nonsense things that runs through my head.

I wanted us to sing our songs with the windows down in the car.

When the new season of Arrested Development came out I thought we were gonna Netflix and chill and have a marathon. I thought we were gonna get back together eventually and i was gonna have us take cut pictures and put them on your facebook because I realized that I really like that. I was thinking about that this afternoon.

And I want us to get back together eventually. And honestly, I wasn’t supposed to asks you about other girls at this point in our break up. Because I know we’re gonna get back together and so what you do during this time is fair game, because I know we’ll be back together someday. but not now. You see, I know this. And I know I’m not crazy. I had this idea that when we did fall back together, we wouldn’t really talk about this time in between. I was just going to accept that whatever happened happened, but we wouldn’t talk about it.. But then you brought it up and I asked and well, this is where we are.

Honestly though, I guess I didn’t expect you to move this quick. because damn it, I know you love me,  but why so soon? I’m not even considering dating at all at this moment, because I still love you. And even if I saw someone of slight interest, I wouldn’t want to do that to them or me. To lead them on just to know that you’re all I want. That’s wrong. But maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not hurting over me like I am over you. maybe you really like her. I don’t know. to be honest, I am very scared. What if I lose completely.

What if she has sex with you? What if you’ve kissed her?

Now I can’t touch you. Not in the way I did before.

When you’re not talking to me right now, are you really just texting her and talking to her late at night?

And damn it, you have no idea how much I cry over you.

But I digress, this is a speech of love, not a speech of sadness. So let me step back and tell you how much I’ve missed you.

During this time apart, I had dream. I had dream that we got back together and we were laughing and you asked me what we were going to name our first child. And I think I told you something with a Z in it. (You know because you’re name starts with a Z.) And I something like Aziza. And someone was watching us and asked but what if it’s a boy. And you said yeah, what if it’s a boy. And I said well, I guess we’re gonna have to give him that name. The dream went something like that.

And now, I will not get to tell you this dream.

What else would I like to tell you?

You’re mine. And I’m yours. You’re my boy. And you belong to me. And this, this isn’t right. This isn’t right. You ever get the feeling something isn’t right? Well, this, isn’t.

Baby, what are you doing? Didn’t you think of me before you made that decision to go on a date? Apparently not.

Don’t you miss me? I guess not too much these days.

I think about you all the time.

And I feel like kissing you, but I won’t.  I will have to fight the urge to kiss you on Monday. I have never stopped myself before. But now I will, I’ll have to.

And knowing us, you’ll still probably reach over and kiss me. And I wont know how to feel anymore.

Maybe you still care, which is why you might be a little worried about me stressing over school. But what’s your point? You went on a date with someone, probably at somewhere we both know. And you know I went on y9our facebook and blocked like five people and you know I log onto it. And you still haven’t changed the password. What is this?

Why are you still agreeing to see me on Monday?  I want to believe it’s because you just really love me. But then, what are we doing then?

I want to tell you that maybe we’ll end up like the characters in one of my favorite books One Day. Because honestly, by comparing us to book and movies and tv, maybe this doesn’t feel too bad because then there’ll be a happy ending. But I have no idea what to compare us to in movies or TV, and the book reference was a little far off, maybe a lot far off. So what do we have left? Rachel and Ross from friends?

How is it you can make me feel like everything and nothing at all? How is it that I love you so much?

Where is that boy I knew back in the first semester of community college? The one who I thought had drive? The one who told me he thought it was weird to make out with strangers at parties in front of other people you know? Where is the boy I viewed as near perfect, the one where I didn’t know made mistakes, the boy who I thought didn’t lie? and then I found out he wasn’t that perfect and that he made mistakes and that he did tell lies, and that I still viewed as amazing ad wonderful? The boy I fell in love with. The boy who was in love with me too. The boy who loved me very much?  Where is that boy?

How is it that I still find you amazing? How is that when we started I secretly believed that you could control and change the weather?

And how is it time moves much faster without you, how the days don’t remain as memorable and instead they come and go, until it all feels as if time has been passing me by?

I miss you. I miss you so much. At almost 3 o’clock in the morning writing you letters you wont be receiving pretending I’m not writing you letters you wont be receiving.

And I’d text you right now, and tell you I love you. But if I can’t have you as mine right now, I will take you as my friend if you will have me as your friend. And maybe that sounds pathetic or maybe it sounds as romantic and sad as hell, but if that is what it takes to love you, then I will lay my armor down and accept. So I will not text you I love you at 2:45AM, not only because I fear you wont say  I love you back (although I think you probably would), but because I want us to be friends now. Because that is all we’re gonna get from this time being.

So from now on, I will  to talk to you as my friend. And not like the boy who I claim to be mine, not like the boy who I’d do anything for. I will just treat you like a friend, like I friend I love. And for now, that will be enough.

Honey, I love you very much. Never forget that. I wish it didn’t pain me to tell you that. Because I won’t be saying it out loud for a very long time.