One-Liners: Two Hundred

Thanks for following and listening to me as I go in circles.

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Waiting

And so around noon today, I asked him what we were gonna do on Monday. I was kinda excited. Let’s do something really random.

A little while later, almost an hour later I think, he tells me hold on. He’s at work. So I say okay.

And then it’s five o’clock. And I ask him if he’s thought of something we could do? After ten minutes, I said that I wanted to go on a really long walk. And then twenty minutes after, I asked we’re still doing something, right?

Honestly, maybe I’m overreacting and acting way too eager, but I am a little afraid right now. Afraid that he’ll go turn around and change his mind and tell me we cant see each other on Monday. And that feeling, the feeling I’ve been anticipating for the last hour is just so fucking screwed up. Because wow, even though I’m really  mad and upset that he went out on a date, I really wanted to see him and send the day with him and just be with him.

And now I’m afraid that that’s not going to happen. It’s been almost an hour and half since I sent that text about asking if he thought of something. And now I just feel super anxious and I’m trying not to stare at my phone that’s seated right next to me. And I’m hoping we’re gonna see each there on Monday. I was really looking forward to it.

But is this how he treats that new girl he’s talking to?

Now I don’t know if I should hate him or if I should continue loving him or what. Honestly, I feel so torn about all this and I care so much. And I’m afraid and scared. And hurt and angry and in love and I really want to see him.

Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Eighteen

“Because we never stop loving silently those we once loved out loud”.

Dear you,

You know I love you, so you know in the end, we’re still going to see ach other on Monday even though I wont know how to act.

And I know it would be wrong of me to tell you how I feel when I know you’re seeing someone new. And sure maybe it was just one date, but what stops that from being two? And then three? I don’t even think I want to know her name for fear of knowing will make it feel as if I’ve lost you forever.

And so come Monday, I’ll respect that you’re dating someone. I’ll respect that because I don’t want that girl to have a story line like you gave me. How S said she had feelings for you still and you had still had feelings for her but how you had a girlfriend, which was me. And how that muddies the great story which I called ‘Us’. And so in the car when you pick me up, I will not defend my hold on you and admit how I love you more than anything. Instead, I will bite my tongue and not say to you all I want to say. Because it would be wrong of me to tell you I loved you still and to win you back if you were with someone else, I don’t want to do that to someone. because I know how it feels. Because I will tell you I love you and you’ll say you love me and the world will feel a little magical, yet confusing, because aren’t you seeing someone else?

And I’ll pretend as if, I wasn’t up at 1:30 in the morning today, crying behind my glasses as I write you another love letter that you will not read.

Had I not cared about the other girl and of you seeing someone else and not caring about muddying your story, her story, and ruining your happy ending, these would’ve been the words I would’ve told you when I saw you Monday, the words I would want to yell at you on Monday while I cried and threw ‘fuck’ into every other sentence of my speech. And so it goes….

I love you. I love you very much.

I thought today we were gonna end up between the sheets and just cuddle for the entire morning and have a picnic and revisit our old spots, the spots that make up our story. Because I have wanted that now for a very ling time. I was even gonna ask you to bring out the picnic basket, the one you bought for my 19th birthday. ( Ha! As if we’re not all around 21 now).

I wanted to feel your lips on mine because that is a feeling I come back to often.

And I wanted to refeel your skin on mine. Because that is a feeling I think about every day and every night. And I wanted you to cuddle me and just be. And I wanted your head in  my lap as you tell me stories and just rest there while I look at you and take the moment in.

I wanted you to hold my hand and just let me run my mouth about my worries and the nonsense things that runs through my head.

I wanted us to sing our songs with the windows down in the car.

When the new season of Arrested Development came out I thought we were gonna Netflix and chill and have a marathon. I thought we were gonna get back together eventually and i was gonna have us take cut pictures and put them on your facebook because I realized that I really like that. I was thinking about that this afternoon.

And I want us to get back together eventually. And honestly, I wasn’t supposed to asks you about other girls at this point in our break up. Because I know we’re gonna get back together and so what you do during this time is fair game, because I know we’ll be back together someday. but not now. You see, I know this. And I know I’m not crazy. I had this idea that when we did fall back together, we wouldn’t really talk about this time in between. I was just going to accept that whatever happened happened, but we wouldn’t talk about it.. But then you brought it up and I asked and well, this is where we are.

Honestly though, I guess I didn’t expect you to move this quick. because damn it, I know you love me,  but why so soon? I’m not even considering dating at all at this moment, because I still love you. And even if I saw someone of slight interest, I wouldn’t want to do that to them or me. To lead them on just to know that you’re all I want. That’s wrong. But maybe it’s different for you, maybe you’re not hurting over me like I am over you. maybe you really like her. I don’t know. to be honest, I am very scared. What if I lose completely.

What if she has sex with you? What if you’ve kissed her?

Now I can’t touch you. Not in the way I did before.

When you’re not talking to me right now, are you really just texting her and talking to her late at night?

And damn it, you have no idea how much I cry over you.

But I digress, this is a speech of love, not a speech of sadness. So let me step back and tell you how much I’ve missed you.

During this time apart, I had dream. I had dream that we got back together and we were laughing and you asked me what we were going to name our first child. And I think I told you something with a Z in it. (You know because you’re name starts with a Z.) And I something like Aziza. And someone was watching us and asked but what if it’s a boy. And you said yeah, what if it’s a boy. And I said well, I guess we’re gonna have to give him that name. The dream went something like that.

And now, I will not get to tell you this dream.

What else would I like to tell you?

You’re mine. And I’m yours. You’re my boy. And you belong to me. And this, this isn’t right. This isn’t right. You ever get the feeling something isn’t right? Well, this, isn’t.

Baby, what are you doing? Didn’t you think of me before you made that decision to go on a date? Apparently not.

Don’t you miss me? I guess not too much these days.

I think about you all the time.

And I feel like kissing you, but I won’t.  I will have to fight the urge to kiss you on Monday. I have never stopped myself before. But now I will, I’ll have to.

And knowing us, you’ll still probably reach over and kiss me. And I wont know how to feel anymore.

Maybe you still care, which is why you might be a little worried about me stressing over school. But what’s your point? You went on a date with someone, probably at somewhere we both know. And you know I went on y9our facebook and blocked like five people and you know I log onto it. And you still haven’t changed the password. What is this?

Why are you still agreeing to see me on Monday?  I want to believe it’s because you just really love me. But then, what are we doing then?

I want to tell you that maybe we’ll end up like the characters in one of my favorite books One Day. Because honestly, by comparing us to book and movies and tv, maybe this doesn’t feel too bad because then there’ll be a happy ending. But I have no idea what to compare us to in movies or TV, and the book reference was a little far off, maybe a lot far off. So what do we have left? Rachel and Ross from friends?

How is it you can make me feel like everything and nothing at all? How is it that I love you so much?

Where is that boy I knew back in the first semester of community college? The one who I thought had drive? The one who told me he thought it was weird to make out with strangers at parties in front of other people you know? Where is the boy I viewed as near perfect, the one where I didn’t know made mistakes, the boy who I thought didn’t lie? and then I found out he wasn’t that perfect and that he made mistakes and that he did tell lies, and that I still viewed as amazing ad wonderful? The boy I fell in love with. The boy who was in love with me too. The boy who loved me very much?  Where is that boy?

How is it that I still find you amazing? How is that when we started I secretly believed that you could control and change the weather?

And how is it time moves much faster without you, how the days don’t remain as memorable and instead they come and go, until it all feels as if time has been passing me by?

I miss you. I miss you so much. At almost 3 o’clock in the morning writing you letters you wont be receiving pretending I’m not writing you letters you wont be receiving.

And I’d text you right now, and tell you I love you. But if I can’t have you as mine right now, I will take you as my friend if you will have me as your friend. And maybe that sounds pathetic or maybe it sounds as romantic and sad as hell, but if that is what it takes to love you, then I will lay my armor down and accept. So I will not text you I love you at 2:45AM, not only because I fear you wont say  I love you back (although I think you probably would), but because I want us to be friends now. Because that is all we’re gonna get from this time being.

So from now on, I will  to talk to you as my friend. And not like the boy who I claim to be mine, not like the boy who I’d do anything for. I will just treat you like a friend, like I friend I love. And for now, that will be enough.

Honey, I love you very much. Never forget that. I wish it didn’t pain me to tell you that. Because I won’t be saying it out loud for a very long time.

 

 

 

He went on a date…

Well I feel a little crushed right now, although I guess I’m still in so much in shock and pretending I don’t care, to really pull in all the ways I really feel.

So a little background information on this story line. Which my by the way is all true.

I was feeling stressed so I messaged him this long list of all the things I wanted to tell him. And in the end I apologized to him and told him damn it, I love him. And he said hello. So we went from there last night. And I told him to text me. And he texted me at 3:40 in the morning and told me to text him when I woke up and I texted back this morning. And he asked me how I was. and I said a little stressed and a little tired. and he asked if I was stressed of us? Or school? And I said school. And he asked me if I was at school. And I said I was with my auntie, that Fridays were my light days. And he said ‘so you cant eat sushi with me’. And I said no, not today, maybe some other day. And we just started talking about how I was kinda stressed about school and he said he was kinda stressed about how he wasn’t in school right now. And then I asked if we could see each other. And he said on Monday.

And then when I asked him about the time he was picking me up, he didn’t respond right away. And then when he told me he was trying to rest for a an hour and he would text me later. And he did. But then he told me, he felt that if we hung out next week, he felt like all  was gonna do was tell him how I hated what he’s been doing and ask him when he was gong to talk to me and he thought I was gonna ask if he’s been talking to anyone else.

And honestly, we’re probably gonna talk about all that. But honestly, I wasn’t really thinking about any of this, I was just thinking about how I wanted to see him. Because he makes me feel easier when I’m stressed and I like talking to him with no filter because I like talking to him when I don’t get muddled into the mess of being mad at him. And even when I’m mad, I feel comfortable telling him about it.

So the point was as soon as he said all that, the red flags kinda raised themselves. But then I said, I wasn’t even gonna ask him what he’s been doing. Because I just wanted to do something with him. And I just thought all he was doing was working and seeing his friends all this time.

And so I told him not to ruin this for us. And he said alright.

And then I asked if he was gonna pick me up at the time I said and he said sure.

But then I asked why he thought that I would ask why he would think I would hate what he’s been doing? I kinda thought he wasn’t doing anything wrong. I thought he was just working and seeing his friends. And he said that just sounded like something I would say. So I thought fair enough.But then I asked the next question.

Has he been/is talking to other girls? Like is he seeing anyone? I wasn’t thinking about it, but he was the one who had mentioned it. And then he said, ‘damn I guess there was no way to avoid this huh’.

And I said ‘damn I don’t think so. so you might as well just say it now’ After six minutes of no response, I said ‘so are you?’

And while waiting for a response, I cry a little in the bathroom. Because up until this time, when I worried about him going on dates, I just told myself he wasn’t. He was probably just working and hanging out with his friends. And I told myself to be strong, to just in ever the case, to tell him to never come back because I wasn’t coming back to this. But when the time came, this is not what I said. Because I knew I couldn’t really let him go that easy.

So he tells me he went on a date. And I am in shock and I am in sadness and I am in I don’t know anymore. Because here I am, knowing full well, that I love him, but knowing that this kinda breaks my heart.

And I ask ‘Why?’ And he says ‘Because’.

And so I say the most honest thing I could think of. ‘Why you couldn’t you just hold out for me? When did you do this?’

And he told me he didn’t have to tell me any of this.

And so I asked if he was seeing someone now. And he said ‘I said one date’.

So I said ‘but you’re going on another?’ And when I got no immediate response,  I said ‘okay, so you are. we can still see each other and be friends right?’

And he told me to relax.

And then I said more honest things. ‘Woah I am relaxed. Golly, I’m contemplating and pretending this is nothing while doing my eyebrow. Now go back and answer my questions.

‘Woah, you there. Like honestly, I’m confused how to react because I kinda see you as my boy. but at the same time, I am a bit interested.’ And then I said his name.

And so he tells me ‘ hey I don’t really have to or want to answer.’

And so I try to reason with ‘oh, hold on though we can still be friends and see each other on Monday?’ After three minutes, I say ‘hmmmm?’.

And he says yeah.

And I say cool. Is he busy tonight? Can we talk on facebook?

And he says no, not tonight.

And so I say ‘okay then. Look at you, going on date number 2. (I’m teasing you.) I really hope we make better friends than being a couple though.’

I feel sad. Because it’s probably one of those girls from facebook he looked up. And I think I’m gonna delete those message son my phone now. Does it make me pathetic that  still want to be his friend, that I love him that much?

Am I overreacting? Does one date not mean anything? Will there be a second date? Or will there not be?

Does he still love me? Then why would he go on a date, so soon too? The last time we were seeing each other was the beginning of March. What is this? Doesn’t he love me?

What the fuck is this? I feel mad and upset and confused. And yet, I am happy we’re talking again. And I love the idea of seeing him and spending Monday with him and just taking a break from studying and just being in the comfort of him. But now, I don’t know what to feel after he told me he went on a date. And it sounds like he’s going on another date. And now it sounds like he’s seeing someone or definitely talking to someone. And the feeling is just lost on me.

Like fuck you know. I just earned all of this like an hour ago. And my heart’s a little broken. And it feels like a band-aid’s been taken off by hearing this, but only to reveal a bruise.

And I asked him now if he was still awake at 1:25 Am, right now. And I know he is. But he’s not answering. And plus, I don’t really know what to say.

Update: And at 3:00 in the morning, after writing an unsent love letter to him, I sent the following text: I’m sorry for overreacting earlier. I wasn’t really relaxed.

 

 

 

 

 

Until the Summer…

I don’t know if I should’ve told him those things that I last texted him. Now it’ll be forever until we speak again. Damn, why did I say it was all physical when in truth, I know that it wasn’t. That was only part of us. Why did I say I don’t think he really cares?  That I didn’t like loving him this way, to love him but not be loved back? That I needed to forget? Why did I say those things? We could’ve talked too.

And I said I wasn’t going to reach out first. That I did that too much to no reply. Now it really is going to be forever until we speak again.

And I’d say I’d ruined it, but he ruined it too, right? Yeah he did.

And now I’m sitting up in bed trying to feel everything through. And you know what? I’m okay. I think I’m okay.

Then again, I spent about two hours looking up him and his friends that are girls, not because I think anything’s going on, although at first I was just looking for shit. After a while, I think I was just looking through things just because  wanted to see a piece of him, you know, just living, being himself, maybe in the background of some picture or maybe someone will just mention him in a post. Because wow, I feel a little but deprived of him. And I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t think about him all the time and that I don’t look for him or his car in just about any scenario, especially in town. Because sometimes, I wish we could just see each other and forget this all happened.

But fuck, you know, finals and everything is coming up and I gotta be strong for all that. So maybe it was best I sent him those half-angry, half-in love messages, tinged with my craziness, saying ‘until summer’ even though he wasn’t really talking to me at all.

I was looking up what stage I’m in of this breakup. And I think I’m somewhere in between Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think I’m in acceptance. Hopefully Ive passed Isolation and Anger. I want to say I’ve accepted. Who knows?

Obviously looking through his facebook every day and reading his messages, trying to see who has the most mutual friends with and correlating it with the significant other theorem from discrete math isn’t helping. Because of course I’m not going to find anything on there. I was his ‘significant other’ and I didn’t have a proper facebook, so of course that theorem doesn’t apply to us. That’s for the other 68%.

But damn it, I miss him. If I’m not thinking about math or econ or the future, I’m thinking about him. Or I’m thinking about them all at the same time. Like the other day when he showed up in my dream to help me study for econ or was it math? And I just felt really content with that dream. Of him being there while I studied, of being my study buddy. We’ve never done that because I don’t think I can get any real studying done with him around.

Anyways, until the summer. For now, studying. That and writing to keep me sane.

If that boy really loves me, he’ll be there when this semester is all done.

 

 

Love Myself

So  I did yesterday what I said what I would not do. I looked up all those girls and I opened up his Facebook. And just started at everything for a good twenty minutes. And I found nothing.

The only thing that I quite fixated on was trying to figure out of I thought S was pretty. And I guess he is. But then I looked at myself in the mirror and I sat up and took pictures of me on the computer and you know what? I’m pretty too. So this comparing thing is bullshit right now. Because fuck, I’m pretty.

And he probably doesn’t know the effect he on me with how deep I take this jealousy, which is why after all this time I am sill mad. And fuck, I’m pretty and I’m really smart. And when we weren’t mad, we got along and we clicked and it was fucking great.

And he just ruined everything. I mean, he didn’t cheat on me or anything, but he did things that were just as bad and hurtful and it didn’t ruin my confidence or anything and it didn’t ruin my self-esteem because I have high self-esteem, but it feels like he distorted my self-image in ways we didn’t realize.

And I don’t like that feels. I hadn’t been so jealous and caught up in a boy since I was thirteen. And even then, it didn’t feel like this. I didn’t constantly compare if I was prettier or better than another girl. I knew who I was and I felt secure in knowing that I was pretty and smart and all those things. And now, it’s like I know those things, but I feel the constant need to compare against those other girls, especially S.

And the crazy thing is, I know my person. And I know I’m pretty and I’m smart. And I’ll even say I’m prettier than her and I’m smarter and fuck, you know, I know I’m great.

And while I love him and I love the way he makes me feel when we’re together, like actually with each other, sitting side by side, I don’t like the way he makes me feel when I think about him in retrospect. Like I was loved, and that I was everything but nothing at all. I don’t like that. In fact, I hate that.

And you know what, the way he made me feel, did make me feel like I was lowering my self-worth in his eyes. And my sister has been trying to tell me this and my friend tried to tell me this, that I didn’t have to lower my self-worth because of this guy. And that he’s a loser.

Because in truth, I know that he makes me feel like I am lowering myself when I’m with him. And I think for a long time, I didn’t want to admit this. And I feel like my sister’s been trying to tell me this, and I’ve just been avoiding it and trying to brush it off. But the more I think about it and the more I find myself comparing, I know it. And you know what? I am worth much more than all those other girls combined. Because I chose to stick around and love him openly. I am not like the rest. I am so much better. And he didn’t realize that. He didn’t realize that I was worth much more.

And so fuck it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am so much more than this. And I’m great. I don’t need him to tell me that. I already know.

What Comes Next?

The Familiar Air of the Nighttime

Here I am yet again, crying to the keyboard, realizing that this is seems like a regular thing, which is really fucked up. This isn’t the kind of person I want to be.

I came into the house after school, singing Taylor Swift out loud until I was in tears. And I asked myself why I was crying. Was it because I missed him and it’s really over? Or is it because it’s routine? I always cry about him a little too often. I mean, as you can see, me and that boy get at it every other day.

And so to continue where I left off yesterday…As half-expected he made up a reason to not talk today, even though he is the person who said we could talk today. He said last night that he could not skip class today because they were preparing for a presentation. But when…

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