We saw each other in class and gosh he was still mad at me, putting on his backpack while class was ending because damn, he didn’t want to talk.

And so I did what I always do. Call nonstop, leave a bunch of texts. Even text that give an ultimatum like ‘see me after school or don’t see me at all’.I even sent this one text that said I was in front of his house (which I wasn’t) and then felt so happy later on when I realized that it was creepy and that the message failed to send. Of course, there is no reply to any of these.

I even waited in front of his class in the middle of the day.

And he told me in the hallway, as his friend walked way, that he didn’t want to talk. And I said we haven’t talked since Monday. And he tells me we’ve talked everyday. And I say that all we talk about is how he does’t want to talk to me. And he tells me yesterday he went to work. And that he is going to class. Always he is telling me that he’s going to class so I won’t make him skip.

So in the end, I leave a text saying that I was sorry. That I missed him. That all I wanted to do was spend time with my fucking time with my boyfriend. That I wanted to talk to him without arguing about talking. That I will leave him alone for four days.

I felt like I had more to say to him, but I couldn’t figure out how to word everything out without sounding angry and nice at the same time. So I didn’t send another text.

That night I messaged him and said I wanted to make up.

And we did.

He responded. Told me he was sorry and that he loves me.

And everything turned out okay. It just takes time. It just takes time.



I wanted to see him today because everything’s gonna change soon. Finals week, graduation, summer. Everything will change a bit. I’ll be busier, he’ll be doing different things. And I’m scared.

I wanted to see him today, but he was mad for yesterday because I keep bothering him. And he left school early today and went home. And I asked if I could come over since class was canceled. And he knew since last week, that my class was canceled. And he told me no. He said today he was gonna get a car today. After getting mad at him, he started getting mad at me, telling me that he had to see the car today, which is a few towns over from ours. And I felt so upset. I mean, this is like the last day we can really be alone together. And he knew I could be with him today. But it had to be today. He told me that he didn’t pick today, the person who’s selling the car chose this day. He didn’t.

I wanted to see him today and I wanted him to get a car. He thinks right now I’m pmsing, but I’m not. My period was over a week ago. And I guess I do want him to get a car, but I’m afraid. I did want him to get a car a few weeks ago, but when we argued last Monday and “broke up”, he said he just wanted to get a car to get away from me. And that makes me sad. I mean, I guess we say what we say when we’re angry. And right now, he’s mad at me for getting mad at him for getting a car today.

I wanted to see him today, but I ended up talking to our friend Nick about him. We talked about how Nick noticed that we hooked up. Yeah, “hooked up”. I was like ‘what are you talking about’? And he said he saw me and him holding hands and he noticed we “hooked up”. I asked what he meant. And Nick told me he didn’t mean “fuck buddies”, he meant to say that me and him were dating again and he noticed us holding hands. So when Nick teased me the other day about “how he heard…”, he meant to say he noticed my boyfriend and I got back together. And I said I love my boyfriend a lot. And we laughed about how I keep getting mad at my boyfriend and how I keep changing my mind about what I want my boyfriend to do. I tell him to do one thing, and then I change my mind. Why am I relaying this conversation with my friend. Because I want to say that I didn’t say anything bad about my boyfriend. My boyfriend didn’t say anything weird to Nick about me, when Nick said “hook up”, he meant “dating”. My cousin was not there, hearing what I said about my relationship.

I wanted to see him today. Still, I don’t want to knock my boyfriend to be honest. I mean, he does some idiot shit sometimes, but that doesn’t change how I feel about him. He told me that I’ve been talking about him getting a car for three weeks. He told me in the midst of our argument that nothing about us was going to change. He told me to think about how it’ll be when he gets a car.

I don’t know. I’m scared about change. I scared about us changing. I think that’s what this is about. I’m afraid that the more time we spend apart, the more he doesn’t love me. I mean, I know he loves me a lot, but I’m afraid. I wanted him to get a car so we could be together more and we could see more places together. I wanted him to get a car so he could visit me when I go to university next Spring. (Yeah, I was worrying about next year). I wanted him to get a car so we go to the places I’ve been telling him about. But I’m afraid about the places he’ll go without me, the people that will be in his car, if there’ll be other girls in his car, if he’ll choose to see me all the time, if he’ll lie again about his friends. Not that he’ll ever cheat on me, I’m just afraid.

The other day he told me while arguing over messaging that he didn’t think he could spend every waking moment with me. I told him that I didn’t know if I could be with him all the time. I lied though. I think I could be with him all the time. I don’t know if I would ever get anything done, but I think I could spend all my waking moments with him, arguing and laughing about nothing. Yeah, I just love that boy so much.

I’m just feeling really anxious for change. Secretly, it scares me.

In the Midst of Being Upset For no Good Reason

So previous to that tumblr post, we were in an argument about how I don”t give him space.

And so we were having a passive aggressive argument over Facebook about how he sometimes he doesn’t want to talk and how I keep talking. And I said I was getting all mad because what if he’s talking to them instead of me when he tells me he’s busy. And he was getting mad because I wouldn’t listen to what he was saying, how he doesn’t want to talk to me all the time.

And so he eventually stopped talking because he didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

And of course, I was still wondering if we were doing anything tomorrow. I mean, tomorrow’s the last real time I have for him. Next week’s finals, then I go away for a week. Then it’s summer, but during summer we won’t really have time together. Sure, maybe we could be together final’s week, but the more I think about it. We can’t. I have no time for him and the more upset I feel about him , the more time I don’t want to make for him. Obviously he’s not making up any time for me, getting stupidly mad at me for no real good reason because he wants his “space”. Motherfucker already had a lot of “space”.

So I called him up and asked about tomorrow. And he told me he didn’t want to. And honestly, I don’t know. It really honestly is the last time we can really be alone for some time. Not forever, just like, a long time. Because I don’t think I’m gonna go around finding the time for him. It’s like wasting my time. The only reason we can actually be together tomorrow is because I got lucky and class was canceled.

And I told him it was gonna be the last time. And he’s telling me tomorrow he’s getting a car. And to be honest, I don’t really care too much. Because I’d rather be with him than him getting a car during the time I can see him. That makes me angry.

And he said if things go well, we can hang out after. And I said it was going to be the last time. And he said no, there would be other times. He told me stop, I was being stupid. And he said that tumblr post was about me. And then he told me goodnight.

And to be honest, I am still upset that he is not going to be with tomorrow because he’s going to get a car. He was supposed to get a car by last Friday. No lie, I really wanted He’s supposed to be with me tomorrow. And I guess I’ll see him tomorrow after class, but for now, I will continue being upset because he’s not going to be with me during my time off.

(Honestly, if we were a story, I cannot tell if I’m the annoying character or if he’s the annoying character. Or perhaps we juts make a very annoying, yet entertaining story).

Overthinking it

What’s bothering me now you ask?

Well, in September, he had reposted this quote in tumblr about forgetting a girl. And the girl he was thinking about when he read that quote was S.

And so in September, we got into a fight. Yeah, I was really mad. And I got really upset. Because he said he didn’t like her anymore and that he only loved me. Mind you, we had already been together at that point for almost a year.

And today I see he has reposted this quote about being in love with a girl. The last line of the quote says something like “The idea that you would want be back? It’s like, greedy.” Yeah, well the entire quote is about a guy being in love with a girl, but he can’t be with her. I wonder if he thinks about me and being in love with me or if he thinks of S and how he was once in love with her. And since I’m obviously very untrusting and paranoid about my boyfriend, I do not think my boyfriend thinks about being in love with me when he reads this quote. And this makes me very sad.

I want to tell him this. So maybe I will.


Today was fair I guess.

He said I was being an asshole. He was also being an asshole.

I saw him this morning and I followed him to class. He told me I was bothering him and then he said he was going to class and he said that loved me and I walked away, deflated.

After not answering my calls and my texts, I found him sitting in front of his class and he knew we were going to talk. He told me he wanted space because I talk to him all the time. he says if he’s not at school, he’s at work. And if he’s not, he’s with me. For the most part, that’s all true. And he says when he’s at work or school, he’s worrying about stuff that isn’t real (I think that’ what he said), I guess pertaining to us.

And he said I was bothering him and I was like he’s bothering me by not saying anything. And he said I was being an asshole and that I was acting like a jerk as we were sitting in front of his psychology class. He said I wasn’t letting him go to class. Which I wasn’t because I needed to tell him this was bothering me. And this fucker chooses to have this conversation in front of the fucking classroom. Idiot. And I said he was bothering me by not talking to me. And he told me he wanted space. And I was getting all upset because he was acting like a fucking jerk for not answering my calls. And he said I suddenly stopped talking yesterday. yeah, because he said I talk too much. And he said if I stop talking, we could end this (argument). But then I said the same thing again, and when I said that out loud it kind of sounded like I meant our relationship. Well, at least that’s how I felt.

I don’t know exactly what happens after that. I think I still feel mad. And he asks what will end the argument. He asks if sorry will help. So he says he is sorry. And he wants to know how we can end this argument. And I ask him if he wants to something tomorrow. And he tilts his head back and hits it against the wall, and says no he doesn’t want to hang out today. And I repeat myself and say tomorrow. And he says not today, but tomorrow, he would love to do something tomorrow.

Somewhere in the midst of the entire conversation, the way we talk makes it seem like the entire problem was a bit of a joke. Him wanting space, me not giving him space.

And so he says he’s going to go to class. And he offers to shake my hand and kiss me. But I say his lip hurts and he tells me it does hurt, but he’ll risk it.  i guess he means he’ll risk his lip hurting to kiss me.

And so I say no. I tell him I’m going to make this last longer than it’s supposed to be, meaning I was going to make this problem last a little longer. As I walked away, I told him I wasn’t going to talk to him for a week.

And he laughed and said I was stupid, not like in the sarcastic, mean way, but more like the incredulous , you’re-funny kind of way.

And to be honest, that annoys me too.

So where does that leave me right now? I actually just messaged him.

To be honest, this problem is a mixture of me being too attached to him and him being a fucking asshole.

On Waiting & Talking

Well I saw my boyfriend today. And I guess all was well. It didn’t really feel well.

After saying he would see me during my break (because I asked him to and he wanted to make me happy), I saw him for a minute and he told me he didn’t want to stay. Outside of my biology class, he told me he wanted to go home because he didn’t want to wait an hour to spend 45 minutes with me. I kept telling him to keep it down because my biology class could probably hear (maybe not though and he kept saying it didn’t matter, they didn’t know him or whatever he said. And it bothered me a little because I didn’t want my class to hear how my boyfriend couldn’t fucking wait for me. When I really think about it though, I don’t think you could actually hear since the teacher was lecturing and people don’t really pay attention.

I think he thought it was annoying? that he had to wait. He said he doesn’t stop me from going home, something like that. He said thanks for letting him go home. he said we’ll do something on Thursday. And so he hugged me and tried to kiss me, although his lips hurt. And I went back to class disappointed and he went home.

Yeah, I had to ask him again why he didn’t kiss me. Honestly, I was worried that he didn’t want to kiss me because my gum wasn’t working or something. Yeah, that asshole got mad and thought I wasn’t listening from before and he had to text me and tell me again it was because his fucking lip hurt. Whatever. I had to be sure.

I tried to talk to him later today, but he had to go to work. And when I asked him if I was talking to him too much or just regularly, he told me I talk to him too much.

And now I am not too thrilled to talk him right now. I’m pretty annoyed as you can tell. I don’t think I’ll be doing much talking to him for a while.

Moving Forward

Today went really well.

Of course, you do have your offhand worries in which were all caused by overthinking everything. But you’re working on that. Writing everything down has been helping bundles and saving you time on worrying too hard and making up arguments.

We looked through the pictures on his phone. And he had the old pictures of me from December, the older ones are on his computer. And it’s nice having old pictures of us next to the new ones from Friday. I like how we’ve been together for a long time.

I was about to ask him about them today when he stopped me and I hesitated because we were having a good time and talking about them would ruin our moment that we were all were having. And so he noticed what I was about to ask and we both stopped and I changed the subject to Scrubs. To be honest, I don’t think he is talking to them. And talking about it, although I will talk about it soon enough and it will probably start a made-up argument about nothing. And to be honest, I’m having a good time with him right now and there are no arguments going on between us. So you think right now, I’m going to enjoy it. Him and I are good now. And we’ll talk about them later. I have other things to think about.

We were really good today. As he held me there and said he would like to wake up like that, us laying there together. And he just wanted to hold me since we didn’t have enough time. And it felt good. Honestly, I could sleep like that, in his arms with my face pressed into the crook of his neck.

And so he had ordered food. And I didn’t have enough time to eat because I had to leave.

I’m having a good time with him right now. And I really like where we’re going with our relationship. Forward. And everything between now and then brought us to where we’re standing right now. And I like where we’re standing right now and the road we’re on.

I’m happy with us. And I think him and I are going to end up together in the long run.