So I did yesterday what I said what I would not do. I looked up all those girls and I opened up his Facebook. And just started at everything for a good twenty minutes. And I found nothing.
The only thing that I quite fixated on was trying to figure out of I thought S was pretty. And I guess he is. But then I looked at myself in the mirror and I sat up and took pictures of me on the computer and you know what? I’m pretty too. So this comparing thing is bullshit right now. Because fuck, I’m pretty.
And he probably doesn’t know the effect he on me with how deep I take this jealousy, which is why after all this time I am sill mad. And fuck, I’m pretty and I’m really smart. And when we weren’t mad, we got along and we clicked and it was fucking great.
And he just ruined everything. I mean, he didn’t cheat on me or anything, but he did things that were just as bad and hurtful and it didn’t ruin my confidence or anything and it didn’t ruin my self-esteem because I have high self-esteem, but it feels like he distorted my self-image in ways we didn’t realize.
And I don’t like that feels. I hadn’t been so jealous and caught up in a boy since I was thirteen. And even then, it didn’t feel like this. I didn’t constantly compare if I was prettier or better than another girl. I knew who I was and I felt secure in knowing that I was pretty and smart and all those things. And now, it’s like I know those things, but I feel the constant need to compare against those other girls, especially S.
And the crazy thing is, I know my person. And I know I’m pretty and I’m smart. And I’ll even say I’m prettier than her and I’m smarter and fuck, you know, I know I’m great.
And while I love him and I love the way he makes me feel when we’re together, like actually with each other, sitting side by side, I don’t like the way he makes me feel when I think about him in retrospect. Like I was loved, and that I was everything but nothing at all. I don’t like that. In fact, I hate that.
And you know what, the way he made me feel, did make me feel like I was lowering my self-worth in his eyes. And my sister has been trying to tell me this and my friend tried to tell me this, that I didn’t have to lower my self-worth because of this guy. And that he’s a loser.
Because in truth, I know that he makes me feel like I am lowering myself when I’m with him. And I think for a long time, I didn’t want to admit this. And I feel like my sister’s been trying to tell me this, and I’ve just been avoiding it and trying to brush it off. But the more I think about it and the more I find myself comparing, I know it. And you know what? I am worth much more than all those other girls combined. Because I chose to stick around and love him openly. I am not like the rest. I am so much better. And he didn’t realize that. He didn’t realize that I was worth much more.
And so fuck it. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I am so much more than this. And I’m great. I don’t need him to tell me that. I already know.