Spring Forward: But I Feel Backwards…

To be honest, I just feel so exhausted from thinking about him constantly. It’s kinda giving me a headache. We broke up over two months ago and then had a thing about a month ago.

Do you know question triggered all this?

I texted him that afternoon, at the beginning of March, if he ever felt like he settled on me because he couldn’t be with S.

And he didn’t text me back.

And then a week later he finally responded after me being upset about it. He said that he refused to talk about her with me anymore, that if I mentioned her name one more time, he promised that would be the last time we talked, I ended it with him. And that was about two or three weeks ago. And honestly, it’s driving me crazy. Because I don’t know what I want.

Because to be real, I don’t know why I started that fight so soon. That cut was still fresh and I opened it a little wider when it was still healing. (More on that later, as I never fully explained what broke us up.) I guess I started that question because I was still so mad at him. To be honest, I know he didn’t settle on me, he didn’t eve have to say it, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want him to not say it either. I just wanted him to tell me he didn’t settle at all. Fuck, you know, I knw that he didn’t settle for me. I am more than he deserves.

And at first, I accepted what he said. It was an old argument anyways. But then he didn’t respond when I said fine, start a new conversation for us. And the next day I tried to start a new conversation, and he hadn’t responded. But I knew that if I waited it out, he would stop being annoyed with me and we’d probably end up speaking the next day or so as if we didn’t just have that entire fight. But then I really thought about what he said, and I decided to end it.

And so I said  left a text message, saying I loved him. I couldn’t do this anymore. I mentioned her name twice in this message out of spite. And I said that was fucked up of him. And I said I was confused about what I wanted. But that I did want him, but not now. Maybe some time from now, maybe in a few months. And I said I love you. Take care.

And it’s making feel exhausted, looking at his Facebook (yes, HIS facebook account) and looking at the people (i.e. girls) that he’s looking up. And some of it’s pretty harmless and part of me knows it’s whatever, but another part of me goes fucking nuts when I see that he looked up a random girl on any day of the week.

LOL. I even texted him and told him to change the password to his facebook, that looking at who he was looking up was driving me crazy. Of course, he probably did read that text message of mine on Thursday night, and out of spite decided not to change any of his passwords and just leave me to look at his stuff.

And I said I would talk to him in two months. I needed to sto thinking about him all the time. Fuck, I love him so much.

Who’s to say if he ever felt mad at me for breaking up with him three times in a row (even counting that time a few weeks ago when I told him through text that I didn’t want to go slow anymore (as if we haven’t broken up through text enough times).

So now I’m forced to confront my own feelings about him, nd it’s making me feel so fucking stressed. I was trying to tell my friend K two weeks ago that he wasn’t stressing me out, while I was trying to calm myself from almost crying. And she said yes it was stressing me out. And so yeah, I admit it. It is stressing me out. It’s stressing me like fucking crazy.

I have so much shit to study and I have an application to fill out. Midterms, finals, readings, essays. I have so much to do and yet all that’s really been worrying me, since the beginning of this year to be honest is him. I need to get my priorities straight. I have spent so much time and energy wondering and worrying about him and missing him. Wow, do I miss him all the time.

Like I miss him right now. I should be studying right now. I’m double majoring at one of the top ten schools in the world, and I’m sitting here typing my heart out about a  boy who’s taking a break from college to sell cars. Fuck, the boy doesn’t even go to school anymore. After community college, he was supposed to go to state, but the classes were too impacted and he didn’t want to take just online classes for the time being. And here I am, sitting at home, trying to figure out how I’m supposed to win his heart over.

That’s right. After all this shit, I’m still completely in love with him.

And I broke up with him. Because I was mad. I’m still so mad. I’m so mad.

But how do you tell someone that you cannot stand them right now and that you don’t want to be with them right now, but that you don’t want them to see anyone else while you try to figure yourself out? You cant do that.

Fuck, I don’t want him to see anyone else while I’m trying to stop being mad at him.

This feels a little but like last spring break, where I’m in love with him and he’s not talking to me. And I’m not talking to him because I’m not talking to him.

So it feels kinda backward of me. Or maybe it just shows that were not going anywhere right now. I’m not sure.

If he really loves me though, nothing bad will happen during this expanse of time where we don’t speak. That’s what I worry about the most, that he will have moved on. And that scares the crap out of me.

I don’t think he will though. I think he’ll try but it wont work. I don’t want him to. to be real, nnot talking to him is kinda hard. I’m on like day 3 out of two months. Daaaaaaamn.

For now though, let’s hope I don’t go too crazy missing him.

 

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