The Height of Cuddling Season: All by Myself

Sitting here trying to figure out how the hell I feel about us. On one hand, I’m sitting here, getting more mad by the second, over every damn thing he’s done wrong, like when he accidentally called me S’s name. On the other hand, I’m sitting here, staring at my phone, wondering if I should call him to hear his voice and hang up.

Honestly, I don’t know how to feel. I do not know what side I want to pick, ignoring him for life or just forgiving him.

Since I do not feel fully inclined to do either of those, I guess I will just do nothing.

If I did talk to him, I know I would just be super bipolar, nice one day, mad at him the next for the same reason I’m writing this post.

He sent me a text this afternoon, around 1, saying “Sweetheart I really miss you, can we please talk or hangout”.

And I didn’t respond.

Part of me is still a little mad about how we broke up for those three months because he wasn’t sure what he wanted, of how he kissed that girl. I told myself that when we got back together, I would make him pay, for all those times he wouldn’t talk to me, for all those times I wrote him to get no response, for all those times I said I wanted us to be together and he told me no. And I told myself I  would make him pay without knowing what that meant. I wasn’t sure I meant financially or just emotionally or both or just ‘pay’ in all the ways that could possibly be interpreted.

Another part of me is mad about this entire S thing. Of how he told her that he loved her a month after he said I love you to me for the first time. Of how I looked at her blog a little while after that and found she reposted this picture of Ron and Hermione in the hospital, like you know, that time Ron called Hermione’s name instead of his girlfriend’s name. And I am mad for all those times we argued about S and he told me he liked her before, but I was the only one he loved. How I was the only girl. And yes, I was the only girl, but shit, he told her that he loved her. And I fucking hate that. I am mad that when we started out he still kinda liked S but then he started falling for me, which I found out much later in our relationship, but damn I didn’t know he loved her. I mean, I guess I could understand how he still kinda ‘liked’ her when we started, I mean I liked this one other boy too for the longest, but then I ran into this guy here and fell for him. But damn, I respect our relationship too much to tell the other boy that I was in love with him. I hate how we argued about her on and off for the entire first year, of how he wouldn’t delete her old Facebook messages when I asked him to. ( I broke up with him for that one). I hate this entire S thing.

So I promised him the other day, before he admitted to saying that he did profess his love to her back that first March when we began, that I wouldn’t get mad. And I guess I said that because maybe, you know, he would’ve just told me he didn’t do anything like that. But he did, and now I don’t really know what to say to that.

I could scream at him and yell mean things. I could just go off through texts with countless questions and I did hat for a little bit a few days ago when I found out, only to apologize right after. And now, I realize I don’t actually have anything to say.

And yes I keep staring at my phone and checking my email, waiting for him to say more things, anything, just so I can see that he cares about me. I want to see him fight for me. And I want to see him so scared and worried over the thought of losing me that he panics, just like I did when I thought I was about to lose him.

I don’t know how long I will do this for, the waiting to see how I feel part. because yeah, I miss him and love him and all, but I am so frustrated about all this. I used to love our beginning and I used to love our story, now when I think about it, it doesn’t feel as good as it used to be. Did he even love me in the beginning? I hate that I’m even asking that question to myself.

I put so much love into this relationship. I pulled him back when we were shaky and held on to him even when he wasn’t very lovable because I love him. And he stayed with me because he loved me too, right? That’s why he stays with me, because he loves me too, right? Not because I’m some sort off rebound, not because I’m some sort of convenient consolation prize, right? Not just because she said no, right? Because he really loved me in the beginning, right? Because he genuinely loves me, right?

I’m a broken damn record tonight, replaying the same tune to myself.

I need to take a breather. Let him miss me for awhile. I don’t deserve this.

I feel a bit bad about all this though, I hate being mean to him. I hate ignoring him, I never go too long without speaking to him. I usually talk to him all the time, blowing up his phone all the time, just to say ‘what’re you doing honey?’ or ‘goodnight I love you’ or just any random thought because I’m bored. And so I realize that without me doing that, he probably does miss me, as he notices my absence through a mostly now silent phone.

And so I feel a little bad about what I’m about to do. The longest I ever left him alone, is I’m gonna say a week or maybe 10 days. A week sounds too long time and 10 days sounds like ages, but honestly, I feel like I’m gonna take a while this time around.

Because I do want to forgive him, but I don’t know how. And I want to forget that this happened, but that’s fucking hard. There are people who know and I feel embarrassed for how outrightly I loved him. And I want to go back to the moment where it was nice and comfortable between us, when we were wrestling in bed, when we were singing the PiñaColada song in the car hella loud, with the windows rolled down. Before I knew about any of this old shit.

But now knowing what I know now, it feels like it changes everything.

I wonder if he’ll wait for me to sift this all through in my mind because I don’t know how long I’m gonna be.


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