Reminding myself: When I told him to stay away

We were cool last night after I apologized for acting like a crazy asshole for the last three days. And we said goodnight and we said ‘I love you’ and we talked for a few.

Honestly, I just apologized to him because he asked why was I acting like he didn’t love me. Like the last two weeks we’re great. Like we haven’t gotten along better than we did our entire relationship.

(For the record it’s been like three weeks. And yes, everything he said was true, but he wasn’t saying anything about why he told that girl he loved her. He was just distracting me from what I was saying.)

And I thought maybe I would just try and be happy because we were great. honestly, we’re really great right now. He’s being super honest with me. He’s doing nothing wrong. He isn’t even mad that I looked through his Facebook because I was bored.

The truth is we’re kinda perfect together when it comes to compatibility and chemistry and all that stuff. Like probably no one knows this, but when we’re together, we’re really cute. Sure, we look different and our height difference is laughable (an entire foot and a half) and all I do is complain about him, but we’re really great together. We share the same humor, minus some of his puns. We enjoy each other’s company. We have fun conversation. And we’re really good in bed together. And we are not ashamed in front of each other, we’re really comfortable. And honestly, we’re really in love. And we love each other a lot. And damn, we have never been so strong. Honestly, we just reached a new peak of our relationship, a little bit like smooth sailing, kinda like we were a sure thing. That’s how much I knew about us. We weren’t gonna break up for shit.

But fuck it. Because I hate how he told that girl that he loved her a month after he said he loved me. I hate that I thought he was falling in love with me when really he was thinking about some other girl. And I know that this all almost two years old, but I hate it. Because those moments with him were some of our sweetest moments. Our first kiss, our first Valentines day, second base moving to third, those sweet messages, our laughter. What the fuck?

And so I finally told my sister the entire story because it’s been bothering me for the last few days. And I finally told my friend most it. And while my sister thinks I should break up with him and my friend thinks I should just hold onto him and wait until he feels comfortable talking about, I don’t know what I want to do.

Maybe I wouldn’t have sent him the following message if he had just called me this morning like I thought he was going to.

So I just left  him this text at 11:20 this morning:

“Honestly, I am still very frustrated about the S thing. And  I question why you even told me that you love me if you loved her. And you stayed with me and maybe that’s because she told you no. And you don’t want to talk about it with me. So let’s not talk for a while and I mean it this tme. I don’t know how to feel about the beginning of our relationship. And I don’t know how to feel about us considering the beginning doesn’t feel as real for you as it was for me. Im sorry Z, but I hate that you did that. So you take care for now. I love you very  much, but I don’t want tot hear from you until I feel better about you. Please understand.”

Damn I love that boy. And I feel sad that he did that. And I feel mad. And I feel betrayed.

And I feel sorry that I am about to be cold. Because I love him and I don’t want to be mean to him. But I have to let him know it was wrong. And that it makes me doubt him and our relationship.

Fuck, we were amazing last week. And I keep thinking about it. I felt so great last week. And we were so happy. And our relationship was so strong. Hey, it still is right now. I just have to pick where I want to be.

And now, I don’t know what to think. And I don’t know what I want to do. Because finding this out hurt me and makes me feel incredibly unsure if I want to stay. Honestly, it feels a little embarrassing for how much I loved him. And all those memories from before, that I want to recall but not with much clarity, do not taste as sweet as they once were.

 

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One thought on “Reminding myself: When I told him to stay away

  1. Amber says:

    I can’t tell if this is real or just a story you’re writing because you seem like such a great YA author and I can’t stop reading! If this is real I think you were smart for taking some time out to think about it all. That leaves room to clear your mind. It’s hard when you have so many opposing reactions from friends and family, but you have to do what you think is right for you. He’s not the only man in the world and even though it seems to fit like a glove, you’d be surprised to find that theres someone who fits you more. Not taking sides but definitely take some time out try not to stress yourself out over it. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

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