The Type Of ‘I Love You’, Maybe it no longer matters

Do you know what confuses me?

Well, it’s still getting me. That he told that girl S he loved her in our fourth month of going out, like a month after he said he loved me for the first time.

And I guess it doesn’t matter because hell, we’ve been together for over two years. And maybe, like he said, I’m making a bigger deal about this conversation that it actually was. But still, I’d like to know why. Was this a small-I-love-you that you say in passing to friends you love, or was it a whole-hearted-I-love-you, the kind you say with passion to your lover or soon-to-be-lover, or was it a sad-I-love-you (read: I have a girlfriend that I love, but yeah, you know I love you too), was it one of those?

Perhaps, it doesn’t matter, as he obviously just loves me now. And he’s obviously remained committed to me. but you know, I’m a curious bastard and I kind of just want to know because not knowing bothers the crap out me.

So it confuses me how he could have done that. I remember us during that time in our relationship. The emails are sweet as hell. Us together was amazing. And when we kissed, I felt crazy. And he loved me and he was in love with me.

Honestly, he loves me more than anything now and we’re really great. I’m obviously just discontent sometimes. Like sometimes I feel a little scared that he is not meant for me, like I feel so lucky to have him that maybe it’s a wonderful mistake that he’s mine and that he stays and that he accepts when I act crazy.

But I do not understand why he told her that he loved her when he obviously loved me at the time. Because no, it wasn’t just an act that he loved me, he was and I knew it. And he was in love with me too. So you know, I just don’t understand.

So he told her. Why did he stay with me? Did she tell him ‘no, it can’t be’ or no, she doesn’t love him? Did he say he loves her, but that he loves he loves me too and he cannot choose her? Did he just say ‘I love you’ and that was it? They just continued on as if it was regular conversation? Did he say ‘I love you’ and then it was realized that he chose to move on and love me?

Am I just misreading everything and maybe he just said he liked her, but loved me? I have no fucking clue and it is slightly bothering me.  I wanted to say this was grinding my gears, but I do not really take this so comically. I don’t even know if I take this lightly, it just makes me feel a little unsteady and disappointed in him.

Maybe I am making this a bigger deal than it is. I mean, we’ve been together for a long time that the things that happened before are a thing of the past. I know he loves me and only me, so maybe it’s just me and I’m  confused why he stays at all. I guess he really has loved me all this time.

But as much as I ask, he doesn’t want to talk about it. So I am turning off my phone.

Actually, I just hid it in my drawer.

 

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