Going Through His Facebook (In Secret)

To those of you reading, you’re probably all thinking, ‘Damn this girl doesn’t know when to quit’. True enough.

Out of boredom, I went into my boyfriend’s deactivated Facebook and just looked through everything. Admittedly, I guessed it was the old password and just looked at everything. Yes, I was looking for problems because I don’t know. At first, nothing was amiss, just that during our breakup he had looked up a few different girls, but he looked up S a few times (which didn’t matter too much because every once in a while I look up my old crushes too when I’m a little bored). And I was like who cares? Hell, he didn’t even look up the Halloween girl. So I was feeling stupid there for a while, looking through a bunch of nothing. Hey, I even found this old conversation that I had read once before and then remembered it again with secret joy. His best friend had asked how I was, a year into our relationship. And he had asked if he had told me he loved me yet. And he told him he said the ‘L’ word three months into our relationship.

And so I found this old conversation with his best girl friend D. This conversation took place a few months into when we first started dating. It starts where she is trying to figure out why he called her earlier. She mentions a time when they walked to her house together from the mall and he tells her no, he is not calling her to reminisce about this. His friend D then mentioned to him that she knew that he had just professed his love for other friend S. And he was like, wait hold on, how did she know that?

And then, as all cliffhangers happen in real life, the conversation ends.

To be real, maybe some people would’ve ignored this completely and not told their significant other that they were snooping all over their Facebook. Maybe other people would have been emotionally mature and just not mention it at all, especially when they’ve been in the relationship for over two years and when they know that this person really does love them.

Of course, being the nervous bastard I am, I bring it up. And we talked about it at 2 in the morning and he tells me yes, he did kinda tell her that he loved her. This was in the beginning of our relationship, four months in. No he said he didn’t cheat on me. That he was sorry, but haven’t we been dating for over two years.

And of course, I said dramatic things like I need time. And I said that maybe he didn’t love me. And you know, pretty much any dramatic thing you can think of at 2:00 in the morning.

After arguing today, he answered my questions. Hell, I even asked if I was a rebound. And he was like, a 2 year rebound? Really? Think about that one.  No he wouldn’t have left me if she had said she loved him. That he liked her, but loved me. Is that what I wanted to hear?

And yes, this did frustrate the hell out me, him telling her that he loved her. Because during this time, him and I, as far as  can remember, were really fucking sweet on each other. I have the emails. I remember us. And it was so sweet, the period where we were unraveling ourselves. Yes, admittedly, he once called me S’s name and then we just got over that. But other than that, we were still learning about each other, and even the bad parts, were great. We were amazing. Not as amazing as we are now, but the kind of amazing that I had unknowingly been waiting for. How amazing is it to graduate high school and go on and date the most popular boy in your class, to have him all to yourself? That initial feeling was the best.

And that first year, we had hella bumps. So many bumps that it frustrates me and makes me mad. Or just heavily annoyed with him.

But to be honest, I think he really did love me that first year. He was very in love with me. I know he was, I was there. A few months after that, he told me he could spend the rest of his life with me. And honestly, I was arguing over nothing that entire first year and he loved me through all of that.

And now, two years later, I am gonna say we’ve been through almost everything. And fuck, he’s still with me. Like damn, he’s not even mad that I was on his Facebook. And yeah, maybe that makes me kinda creepy, but fuck, you know, he still loves me. And yes, we broke up for real that one time because I think he needed a break. But then we got back together.

And honestly, knowing that he’s still there, even though I throw like crazy curveballs randomly out of thin air, that’s how I know he loves me a lot and I know that this is real.