My Made-up Worry on Friday Night, even though I know it’s not real. Plus, I had a really good time with him this morning

So yes, I am very happy and I am vey calm and comfortable with my relationship.

But yes, as anyone would be, I am still obsessing about how mad I am over that Halloween girl. So like always, I will write and talk about it until I feel better about the situation.

Actually I spent a good amount of time looking her up on the internet, as any possessive girlfriend would. And on her friend’s Instagram, I found a picture of her lying on the bed in a seductive manner. This was a few days before my boyfriend and I got back together, I noticed from the date. And this was also the date he didn’t come and see me.

Okay, yeah, maybe I’m over-obsessing as maybe her girl friend took the picture or she was with her boyfriend at the time. Because yeah, did I mention the girl had a b0yfriend when my then-ex kissed her drunkenly at the party. Well,  I was sitting at home, wondering if these were the type of pictures she puts on her Snapchat. But why does that matter, you ask?

Because right before my boyfriend and I got back together he deleted all his social media. And when he reset his Snapchat, meaning that he lost her Snapchat in the process.

Now what if, we only got back together because he had a moment with her and was suddenly crushed when he asked her out a few days later and so, I don’t know, two weeks later, we began building our relationship. Then that week this picture was posted, he wasn’t talking to me. Then the week after, we got back together.

Maybe I’m crazy for connecting unconnected thoughts, meaning that for as long as I try to piece the puzzle together, it will never actually fit. Meaning that maybe I don’t have to try to figure everything out.

Like damn, cant I just accept that my boyfriend and I got back together because he missed me and that he loves me very much? Damn, maybe its really that simple and it isn’t because he was so devastated about this one little “hook up” that he came back to me. like woah, cant I just accept that he wants to be with me just because he loves being with me. Damn, maybe I just have insecurity issues.

Like damn girl, maybe he just deleted all his social media because he just felt like ti one day. Not because I suddenly make believe that some girl dared him to. Like it has nothing to do with S or any other girl. Like come on, your boyfriend just told you that he reopened his Facebook to watch his friend’s standup. like he just reopened it last night for that reason. Like fuck, maybe everything’s that simple.

Golly, I need to just accept that my boyfriend came back and that he loves me very much and that he puts up with all my crazy. Of all my crazy of opening up his accounts because he gave me his universal password, of all my cy when I make problems for no reason, of all my crazy researching every one of his friends and their friends.

I need to calm my ass down and breathe instead of texting him, accusing him and asking questions of things I already know the answers to. Like did he change that girl’s number to his friend’s name so I wouldn’t know? And was that really the last time you talked to her? Or you haven’t seen her, right?

Like fuuuuck, I already know the answers to all these questions. He made out with her in the kitchen. They had been drinking shots at the party. They never talked after that text where he asked her to hang out and she said she had a boyfriend. We deleted her number in the car after I read the messages. No, she didn’t mean anything. W got back together because he missed me and he loves me a lot.

Oh girl, there aren’t that many things to try and understand. It’s really quite simple.

Yes, he’s mad and frustrated that you keep asking the same questions because you already know the answers. And you know, he would never cheat on you.  You know they only made out and you truly do believe that. And you know he’s only slept with you. And you already know you’re the only girl.

To be real, him and I had a great time today. Two hours of us and our moods, of sitting together in the car talking about how the next few weeks will be strange because we won’t get to see each other since my parents don’t know and we’re on winter break. How  it will be okay, we’ll be okay. How he’ll be honest with me and we won’t cheat on each other. How we went over each of his friends that are girls and distinguished that he only views them as friends. How I tripped over D and how he agreed not to sleep over her house, when honestly, out of all those girls, I like her the best and how she’ll probably end up as bridesmaid at our wedding. Of how I can walk into his work, but he doesn’t like when I do. (And no he doesn’t have anything going on with his coworkers, I think he just wants to keep work professional. Maybe I am too much of a distraction). How we argued about things he told me willingly, okay, no I asked, but he told me. How we’re gonna be transferring to different schools, how I told him to try to fix his schedule so we’ll have one day a week for each other, when he can come and see me. How he will message me at midnight on New Years. How I cried on his arm and wiped my tears on his sleeve because I was gonna miss him. Of how I guess there was kissing, I was paying too much attention to everything so I could be in the moment with him. And of how we teased each other and play fought in the car and how I annoyed him with the same questions. Of how he told me he was proud of me for choosing to apply to that university and how amazing I was. And how the world thinks so too. Of how our conversation actually went everywhere and in writing this, I messed up the order of events in our talk. Of how we had to race back in time for me to get picked up.  Of how we high-fived when we both came upon the realization that we don’t go to community college anymore. And how we did our handshake one more time and I made him kiss me nicely before I left the car to get picked up.

I miss him already. And writing this makes me not mad at him. In fact, it just affirms how much I love him. And damn it, now I’m typing here with tears in my eyes, missing him even though I saw him this morning. And I got him mad a few hours ago. And damn, I even said sorry first.

Maybe I don’t know what I want. Maybe I need to take a breather from this relationship. Because fuck, I am so in love with him and missing him feels crazy. I don’t want to argue with him about made up things anymore. Damn it, I just want to love him.


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