Maybe We Needed that Break-Up…

So I’m about to begin pmsing soon enough, but before that really reaches it’s peak, let me give an overview of my relationship.

Yes, it worries me sometimes that I reached out first and how then he reached back and then I reached out again and again and then we finally got back together because we were so happy. And yes, sometimes I wished he had been the first to reach out, if only I wasn’t so impulsive when I begin to think I’ve lost him. And yeah, sometimes that Halloween girl and the thought of him making out with her bothers the crap out of me.

Sometimes I remind myself we were broken up at the time. So it doesn’t count. And then I remember that we talked right after because I called him up. And then he asked me to lunch the next week. And then two weeks after, we got back together. So maybe, that somehow leads us back together? Who knows?

But then I try to remember that although I had to wait for him and reach out first, he finally did come back like I thought he was going to. And before we broke up because we kept arguing about stupid shit and now we’re not doing that anymore. And I remember that the Halloween girl meant nothing and if anything, that was a failed attempt to move on, but it didn’t end up happening.

Instead, me and him got back together at the end of November. And then I remind myself why he wanted to get back together because he told me he missed me and that he loves me very much. Which I guess isn’t that bad of a reason, well, because that’s kinda like my reason too.

So I’ve been working on forgiving him. I keep making up things in my head. And then I realize that maybe I shouldn’t argue about made-up things. I pretty much already know everything about that night, but I told him Friday that maybe one day he’ll be comfortable in telling me the full truth of what happened without fearing that I’ll leave him. (And to be very honest though, I already think he told me the full truth.)

To be completely honest, I worry myself over nothing all the time. And I know this week, I’ll probably jump out of my mind more than a few times, worrying about nothing, until I realize that I’m worrying about nothing. Like I know that he didn’t sleep with anyone while we were broken up. And I know he didn’t kiss anyone, aside from the Halloween girl. And I know he isn’t talking to her at all. And I know he isn’t cheating on me. And I know, deep down, that nothing’s wrong. So it’s like, what the fuck am I worrying about? I have nothing real to worry about.

And I know the only thing that will fix some of these worries (like the Halloween girl) is the time in between so I can heal and forget. And I know that in time I’ll forgive him. But sometimes when I really think about, maybe I shouldn’t even worry about it because it really doesn’t mean anything.

So how’s my relationship right now…

It’s actually really good. You know how some people think they’ve lost the butterflies or somehow lost the feeling of being in love with person, like they’re not excited to see them? Well, that’s not us.

In fact, I may be mad at him for just about anything, anything from before we even started two years ago to something as recent as this morning, but I’m really in love with him right now.

In fact, I don’t know. Maybe that breakup made us even closer. Like maybe it made us realize that we love having each other in our lives. I don’t know. I just know that I’m really happy he’s here.

The other day I insisted to help with his homework because he was stressed about it. And usually he doesn’t let me help him, but he finally did take up my offer. To be honest, I love him so much and the work’s pretty easy for me. So, I felt pretty good about it. I mean, I don’t think he liked that he did accept my help, but I know he’s grateful for it. And to be honest, I liked that he asked for my help.

In response to Michael’s comments….. (from That Line From Friends…)

I have been having him reach out first, like after small arguments that we get into, I don’t apologize first like I always do. I used to apologize first all the time even if it wasn’t my fault. I’d panic and do it right away right after the argument. Now I just wait it out and he usually ends up apologizing in a few hours. And I feel a lot better after that.

He had once said awhile ago in an argument that if I gave him the chance to reach out, instead of talking all the time, he would actually have a chance to reach out first.

And for the last few days, I haven’t been reaching out first. I wait until he texts me first. And I realize that I can be patient enough for him to text me first and that when he does, it feels so much better than me reaching out first.

So how’s my relationship?

It’s really great. We tell each other how happy we are that we got back together. We talk about things. When something worries me, I talk to him about it and it doesn’t make him mad. he just answers me straight and we move on to the next subject. And we cuddle and we laugh and we do what we always do. And we mess up and make each other angry and then we go and make up and it’s all good. I don’t know, maybe we needed that breakup.

Because I’m really happy about us right now. And we wouldn’t be this way if we didn’t break up. Maybe we would’ve been angry with each other and arguing for no reason. But now…

I love it a lot. Aside from how we’ll transition our relationship to transferring to different universities, I’m not tripping about us at all.

Like I love my relationship with him. He’s my bestfriend. And we’re gonna be together for a very long time because we have a really strong relationship. I’m really happy about us.

 

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