Right now I’m mad at my boyfriend. (Go figure though). And for those who don’t know, I’m always mad at my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know my entries are super long. But I just have a lot of feelings.
So he didn’t kiss me in front of his class on Friday. Fine, he just told me he didn’t want to make out in front of people. Whatever, I only wanted a kiss, but whatever. And then Friday night, he wasn’t answering my texts like all night. He texted me at around 1 in the morning, saying he just got home. His phone had died and he got called into work. Afterwards, he went out with his friend D (a girl) to go get some wings. The he went to over to the house of his best friend (a guy) to play video games.
And so come Saturday morning, I asked how come he didn’t text me back when he was able to text everyone else. And he told me sorry, he should’ve texted me back. His phone wasn’t dead all night he said. Yeah, I was mad. I mean, I went a little crazy on Friday night, not trusting him, wondering why in the hell he wasn’t texting me back.
So after finally deciding I didn’t want to be mad at him anymore, I texted him and told him I didn’t want to be mad anymore. I asked what he was doing. He told me he went across the bridge with his coworker to get a haircut. (As he texted, he was still there).And I was like which coworker. And he said A (which I consider the pretty coworker). And so I said that was fucking weird. And he told me to watch my mouth. And I told him I didn’t want to talk to him. I told him to leave me alone. And he said fine, he didn’t need 100 texts talking about how I don’t trust him. And he told me I was being ridiculous and I was acting childish. And I said I was upset because I didn’t like girls in his car. And that I was upset he got his hair cut. And he said they rode in her car. And how was I gonna be upset that he got HIS haircut. And I told him he should know me. That I wouldn’t have liked that he went with her. And he said something, like ‘girl calm down’. (Which is strange because my boyfriend never calls me ‘girl’). And I was so mad and upset because I’m already really jealous and untrusting of him, I told him I wasn’t his fucking girl. And he told me I couldn’t say that he knew me. I couldn’t say shit like that. And he told me to get the fuck out of here. And I texted back that I was already gone.
And he stopped and asked if I was really ending it over this. I was acting like I was in middle school.
And I told him I wasn’t. That I wanted him to apologize. Because I was still trying to get over Friday and now this. And if someone loved another person as much as I loved him, they would be upset too. And so he said sorry. And I said I wanted space. But then I asked if he was cheating on me. And he said no, I was being ridiculous.
About an hour later, I remembered the other day I told him to do whatever. To just be honest with me and not to cheat on me. That we were all gonna transfer and we just have to be honest about what we’re doing. And he was honest with me.
So I went back and apologized. And I said he was being honest and that we had to be honest if we were gonna transfer. And I asked what he was dong? and when was he coming home? And when he didn’t answer, I said I see how it is. And all he said was ‘K’.
So I said he was being an asshole. And I told him I wasn’t okay with him going out with other girls, doing late night shit, even if they were just his friends. I wasn’t okay with that. I said I didn’t want to hear from him until he understood that. That I wasn’t comfortable cuddling with him if he didn’t understand. That I love him a lot, but I’m not okay with him going out all the all time with other girls. Because what about me?
Chances are if I don’t ay anything for a while, he wont say anything either. This morning I wasn’t feeling tooo mad at him and I was going to forgive him, but what’s the point. I keep apologizing for things I didn’t even do wrong.
I keep trying to redeem my thoughts of us this year. And he’s fucking horrible. We broke up in the beginning of the year because he wouldn’t delete old messages. I skipped his birthday. We skipped Valentine’s day because we got into a fight and he went on a trip. He was really mean to me when I kept trying to hold on to him in the spring. When it was a year and half, he didn’t want to spend time with me. When I found out he slept over his friend (a girl)’s apartment with his other friends, he broke up with me. And then we had a really bad, physical fight. He showed up on my birthday and forgot my present. He didn’t want me to walk into the store he works in.We broke up because we were having a fight over if he was ever going to get me my birthday present since he returned the old one because the color was wrong. He drunkenly made out with a girl a party and tried to ask her out while we were broken up. And aside from saying she didn’t mean anything, he tries to cover up with that joke from ‘Friends’: “We were on a break”. We didn’t have a two year anniversary because we actually broke up in October even thought we kept saying from August to October that we weren’t together.
Sure, he has tried to make up for all the things he did wrong this year. And with the exception of making up for that Valentines Day, he has tried to make up for everything on that list I just named. He’s apologized for all those things on the list, at least five times a piece I guess. For example, I make him apologize about the girl and I continuously ask about her to make sure she meant nothing. And he continuously says he loves me and he says I’m the only girl for him (some shit like that). Sure, he already apologized about the girl the first time, but I like hearing him say sorry. And I know she meant nothing, but the thought of him kissing another girl bothers the fuck of me. Because that’s my boy right there and I’m so fucking mad at him for making out with her, even if we were broken up.
And for all the times, he messes up, he takes me out. And he takes me wherever I want to go. And he takes me to nice places. And he always treats. And he always tells me he loves me. And he buys me expensive things. And he holds me and cuddles me and tries, I guess, in the best way he can think of, to make me forget all the bad things he’s done. And when I remember them, he just grabs my hand and holds it tightly and says sorry yet again. And he just holds on to my hand. And fuck, I love that.
And I know he loves me more than anything, and he knows I love him more than anything. but I’m really upset right now about everything. And I know him holding me will make me forget, but I don’t want to be the first person to go up and apologize for real. Because I always do that, even for the things that aren’t my fault.