So in truth, I am actually extremely happy that we got back together. I mean, I keep gushing about him for no reason, randomly bringing him up in conversation. I must’ve brought him up to like three different people today. And I love it, but I also feel slightly pained by it because it’s all his fault. He fucking ruins everything.
In these conversations, I say we’ve been together for about two years, as if we didn’t just break up for real for almost two months and he made out with some hoe. And I answer ‘two years’ as if we didn’t just get back together in the beginning of this week, Monday.
And I love seeing him and all, but just some things are ticking me off, as usual.
He says he likes being with me and lately, he’s just been wanting to see me, instead of being really sexual. Lately, he’s just been wanting to just be with me, which I guess is pretty sweet because that means he would rather cuddle than have sex, but it’s the next part that gets me. So he says that he want to just be with me, but on Wednesday I wanted to be with him and all he wanted to do was go home and rest up for work. So whatever, we just text each other throughout the afternoon. Then he tells me yesterday, he doesn’t want to meet me at 8 this morning and I’m just guessing it’s because he wants to sleep in. When I ask if he’ll come see me at 9 during work, he says he cannot. Probably out of laziness since he is still in bed. I pretend to stay happy when I say ‘okay’ to him on the phone.
And I try to meet him after his test today, but instead run into him in front of his next class. I told him where I was, but it turns out he didn’t get that text.
And he tells me he bought the wrong bag. He bought the smaller one, not the big one. Okay, the big bag is about $300, but the smaller bag is about $200. And when he told me this in front of his physics class, I played wit him and told him that I was trying to contain my madness because he bought the wrong bag. And he said no I wasn’t. So yes, I was playing with him, but I am a little disappointed that he bought the wrong bag. (Go figure though, that’s why he asked to see my computer yesterday, to size up if my computer could fit in the smaller bag). maybe I’m disappointed because I told my friend M that he bought the $300 bag. But I think I’m just disappointed because by buying the bag, maybe I felt like it eased the sting of him kissing another girl. Maybe it eased the sting of him breaking up with me this semester. No, the bag wasn’t some reason for me to stay with him, but it kinda felt like it was some sort of consolatory gift for me to forgive him. And it kinda felt that if he got the really expensive one (not to say the other one isn’t expensive), he was putting his money down. Like he was financially showing me he wasn’t going to leave me. Because who makes financial investments in people that don’t plan on being with for too long? (Perhaps people who don’t care about money). Yeah, I thought the bag meat he was holding on hard to me. But who knows how he feels about money? Just reckless and maybe he doesn’t care.
And he told me this in front of his physics class, with everyone waiting out in the front. So I tried to ease it all my talking about my morning so far. And when the door opened for them to go into class, I pulled him toward me, expecting a kiss. Maybe I should’ve know by now that he doesn’t like kissing me in front of a lot people, like in front of his classes or at his work but fuck, I wanted a kiss. So while everyone in his class is trying to file and move towards the door, I am pulling him back towards me. And he says no. And I pull him and he says no and so I say no, and I motion just to do a handshake as if that’s what I meant to do. And we do our special handshake as I perform it half-heartedly, pretending I’m not embarrassed that he didn’t kiss me.
And later on today, I text him and apologize for wanting to kiss him, as if I should apologize. And he asks me for wireless headphones, like for Christmas. And I say I’ll talk to him about it on Monday, but then I decide against waiting. And so I finally tell him. When we broke up, he told me he didn’t want to exchange gifts. And so I had a lot of free time, and I spent all the money trying to become a renaissance man. (I bought so many things because it made me happy. Ballet slippers, a Wall Street Journal subscription, books, more books, a sketchbook, yarn, snacks. Pretty much anything that made me a little happy). And so I apologized and told him I felt bad. And I asked if he was mad. And he told me not to trip, and he said ‘you know I love you’. And when I said I felt bad because he buys me expensive things, he told me that I was his present.
And yeah, that did make me feel good.
Then later I asked what he was doing tonight. And he said maybe get some wings. And when I asked with who, he told me with whoever wants to go. And that answer kinda annoyed me.
And then a few hours later, I told him what was bothering me, how he didn’t kiss me. And I said I felt embarrassed and hurt about it. And he told me that from now on, he’ll kiss me whenever I want to kiss him. But then I asked why didn’t he kiss me today? Was there some girl he didn’t want to see? Why didn’t he kiss me? And he told me he didn’t want to make out in front of everyone. But I just wanted a kiss. I just wanted him to kiss me. Then I called him a dummy, but I spelled it like ‘dunny’ and I felt slightly embarrassed for mistyping.
And I was watching TV tonight thinking that when we started out, he told me he wouldn’t make out with a random girl at a party. When we started out, he used to think making out with a stranger in front of people he knew was gross. (And yeah, there were people that he knew at that Halloween party). And I was thinking, two years into our relationship, how he’s changed. Or maybe I don’t really know him.And how he can make out with some random hoe at a party and feel on her, but can’t kiss me in front of his physics class. What the fuck.
Later on I asked how his evening was going. And when he didn’t answer back I asked if he was mad. And he said no he wasn’t and he called me sweet potato. But then I asked again what he was doing tonight and he didn’t answer back. At first I played and said maybe he wasn’t answering me back because he was hanging out with his other girlfriend (I was just kidding though). And that was like three hours ago.
And now I just keep sending him annoying text messages, accusing him of doing something fucked up and how can I trust I’m if he doesn’t answer easy questions and how he mist be doing something wrong if he hasn’t answered me back and not to text me back like nothing was wrong and how I was really mad because he wasn’t answering back and how he’s probably reading these texts, wondering if he should tell the truth or not. Like I just trust him less and less each time.
Maybe I should be happy with us, that we spent two whole days together and we cuddled yesterday. And I wanted to say he was doing anything I asked, but he’s obviously not. I disappointed in him right now.
And I want to go to my room and check my phone, but I know I’ll just stare at that glowing screen to discover, to no surprise, that he hasn’t responded back.
Maybe I’m pmsing or maybe I’m just really tired of this shit. Or maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I’m just being annoying.
I spent so much of time just gushing about him, but now I just feel embarrassed that I even mentioned him at all. That I even said he was boyfriend. That I was so excited to talk to him. I feel ashamed of him tonight.