When You Cannot Find Him…

Well, I do not feel good today. In fact, had I thought I was depressed yesterday, this feels like a whole other level. Like I am having a slow discension down my own personal rabbit hole. Had I ever done drugs, I would say I feel like an addict  on rehab. And currently, I’m having withdrawals.

The day began around 4ish or it could’ve 5ish. I was laying there and my throat  was hurting and I slightly wondered about my math major. But then suddenly, I was overcome by that quote on his tumblr. And I kept playing that quote over in my head, questioning what he must have thought of when he read it. And I kept thinking about him and I realized how much time we had left until the end of the semester and I just, I don’t know. All I could think about was him.

And so I went to church this morning. But during church, he was still in my mind. And I kept trying to figure out if I did something wrong the last time we were in bed. And I kept trying to figure out if I did something so wrong the last time we saw ach other that it makes him no answer my calls. And I thought about it so hard.

Later on I went to take Christmas pictures with my sister. And I saw this old classmate. And I avoided making eye contact with him, even though he was always very nice to me, because I didn’t want to hear him ask about him. I didn’t want to tell him we broke up. Because it all felt very wrong.

So I decided to go the mall today by myself to window shop for Christmas  and get out of the house. But of course, I went to the mall he works at. And as much as I said out loud and to myself that I was not going to the mall to run into him, I, like the sad lover I am, walked by the store he worked at on purpose because as it turns out, unconsciously, that was the reason why I went to the mall today. I walked by that store so many times, my guess is anywhere from five to ten times in the lapse of 2 hours and 5 minutes.

And with my luck with him, he wasn’t there. three (or was it four?) of his female coworkers. One of which I had met several times, so I didn’t bother walking in. By the third time I passed by, I was contemplating if I thought one of the girls was pretty. And then I remembered back in August, when him and I were arguing about why I couldn’t walk in the store, because it was his space. To be honest, I don’t think he was fooling around, he really just wanted his space. Anyways, I thought about that argument and it made me mad.

Well, no matter how many times I walked by and not-so-casually glanced in, he wasn’t there. Now, even if he was there, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I would’ve made eye contact with him, it maybe would’ve been weird. I have no idea.

In the end, I was thinking about him so hard and so much and was walking by that store so many times, that I gave myself a headache. It felt dizzying.

And so I went home and told myself, maybe I was hungry. So I decide to make a sandwich. While toasting my bread, I decided I would go on the computer and yeah, I looked at his tumblr.

But then his tumblr was deleted. And then he didn’t have Facebook anymore. And I felt completely lost.

Like this just happened to me, a few hours ago, and I’m still very confused. At first, I felt very scared and I imagined us later on, laughing about how strange it was that I felt scared. And then I stopped and began to feel sad. And I felt lost. And I felt a little frustrated.

So now I contemplate why he deleted these things:

Like maybe he found this blog and read about himself (although to be completely honest, I kinda shed a favorable light on him considering I love him very much. Because if I stumbled upon a blog that my ex wrote about how they loved me very much, I would not only read the shit out of that blog, but I would probably get back together with him right away (hint).)So maybe he read my blog and then deleted all his social media? But why would he do that? Because he didn’t want me to find him? But then again, that doesn’t make much sense either.  I mean, I’m not delusional. We love each other and I know that for sure. So maybe there’s another reason.

Maybe he read those letters I sent them. And out of, I don’t depression or guilt that he hurt me yet again, he deleted everything to, I don’t know, deprive himself the joy of social media.

Maybe he moved on and he told whichever girl he was with that he would delete everything. But that one doesn’t actually make sense. That would mean she was just as jealous and controlling as me. That would be like trading me for me. So no, that’s not a thing.

Maybe he likes a girl that dared him to delete all social media. And so he did. That’s probably not a thing either though. Just the Tuesday before last, we spent the day holding hands in the streets, laying in between the sheets. About a week and half ago, we said loved each other and he didn’t know what he wanted. But he said he was mine. He asked who said he wasn’t mine? That day we were in his car, singing Marvin’s Room while holding hands and laughing. The day after, we were all annoyed with each other and I left the car mad, but didn’t he call me honey?

So no, I completely rule out there being another girl that dared him to delete his social media. I rule out the idea of there being another girl completely. Not at all has he moved on to be with someone else.

Maybe he deleted everything to detach himself from me. So I couldn’t look him up at all. So I couldn’t see him anywhere. Maybe that’s it. So I can get him out of my system. So I can’t find him. Maybe he wants to be unfound. That makes some sense. Right? Like as much as the thought of that hurts, maybe that’s the reason. Maybe he’s doing this to get away, so the thought of him escapes me. Okay, well in this case, I get why he deleted the tumblr, even though I don’t even have one, because maybe he thought I was overanalyzing it. But then again, it’s strange, he loves his tumblr. No lie. Maybe he just changed the URL? But why did he delete his Facebook? Like that thing’s not affecting anyone.

To be real, he probably didn’t delete the email. That’s like his main email. So it’s basically all good.

Or maybe, on a completely different level, he is trying to get me to start talking by driving me crazy. This tactic, in some ways, is completely working. Because it’s makes me feel insane. And a little sick inside. Like maybe I should call him. But I’m not going to. I’m on a roll right now. And I didn’t do anything wrong. All I did was love him.

Or maybe he’s just so busy he decided he thought it was all a distraction. S he deleted everything.

Or maybe he just wanted to feel different. So he changed his tumblr URL. And the Facebook wasn’t doing anything for him, so he deleted it.

Strange, I can’t find his tumblr (although I will eventually find it if he just changed URLs). Like I’m all looking on his friends blog roll for it because I’m all like addicted to him. How sick.

Wow, to think deleting his accounts would make me feel crazy. I already felt crazy today, walking around the mall only to walk in circles back to the store he works in. I already felt crazy thinking about him for hours stating at five or four in the morning. I already felt crazy.

I kinda wish I was in ballet right now doing the made up routine. At least then my mind would be busy.

Fuck, I miss him. Like I’m mad. and frustrated. And full of angst. And I miss him like crazy. And I just keep writing to keep myself upright. Fuck.

I feel lonely because of this. Unexplainably lonely. Lonely indeed. And my heart doesn’t even hurt. It just feels cold.

Do you know how hard it feels not to call him up? Do you know how hard it is for me not to text him or write him a letter? Do you know how hard it’s going to be tomorrow to try and not run into him on purpose?

Fuck, I’m so fucking in love with him. Maybe that made me crazy to begin with.






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