Cuddling Season: Feeling Left Out

We now approach winter, leaving behind the fall. And all through that season, I watched my heart break. And now as this season approaches, what I like to call ‘Cuddling Season’, I am feeling a bit cold, inside and out.

To be honest, today I have been feeling kinda lonely. I suppose it started during lunch when my sister and my cousin were both talking about their significant others. my sister was talking about her boyfriend and my cousin was talking about his new girlfriend and I had nothing to do but sit there on the side. I decided, instead of sitting there, to walk my uncle to the car.

While walking my uncle to the car, I told him I didn’t know what to talk about while we were sitting there during lunch, while my cousin talked about his new girlfriend and my sister whispered about her longtime boyfriend.

And so I later on I told my sister how I felt uncomfortable. And when I told her I was telling our uncle how I had nothing to talk about, my sister felt I shouldn’t have mentioned her and her boyfriend. And she asked me how would I feel if she had mentioned me and my now ex-boyfriend, the black guy who didn’t love me. And when she said that, it really upset me. And I am mad at her for speaking the hurtful truth.

Now I’m at home, doing the usual shit, looking him and his friends that are girls up on the internet. And his one friend, Z, had a new picture of herself up today and she looks quite pretty. And I wonder if my ex-boyfriend thinks so too, even if she already has a boyfriend and even if he only thinks of her as a friend. To be honest though, I already know Z is not a threat because they’ve been friends for a long time and haven’t liked each since they were 13. So she is no actual threat, besides she’s already having a handful trying to figure out her own problems with her boyfriend. Anyways, I don’t really want to think about it, I just want to vent.

Well, I’ve been feeling a little lonely today. Thinking, like always, that I see my ex-boyfriend in random places when really I’m just seeing a tall silhouette of a random person, my eyes fooling me because my glasses aren’t on.

Even if my ex-boyfriend and I were still together, I wouldn’t even want to mention him at the table. I am too embarrassed by the way he loves me, only sometimes.

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