Letter 2 of Many: I Proofread This, So There Shouldn’t be Typos
I hope you read this the full way through instead of skimming…
At this point. I am slightly unsure of why I’m sending you these letters. Here I am, chasing after you, and no one’s chasing after me. I’m really in love with you and you are unsure about me. And I don’t know. And you don’t know. And we see each other and then you don’t answer my messages after. I want to say, I get it. Some of my messages are accusatory and a little mean, but sometimes I wish you would just message me sometimes and just say hi or something. And it’s kinda like depressing as hell. And I have to pretend it doesn’t hurt and I have to pretend you’re not an asshole because I want to believe you’re just as perfect as I believe you to be. I keep trying to figure out if I should buy the glow in the dark stars or not. Although, I do love the thought of me up on your shoulders and us putting the stars on your ceiling. So that’s probably gonna happen (sure enough).
And now I’m just wondering if we’re seeing each other on Wednesday like we said we would. But you’re not answering me back. And I am half-excited because I love seeing you. But I am only half-excited because what if you don’t show?
You know it’s funny. I’m sitting here right now, half angry, half annoyed with you, trying to figure out why exactly I’m mad at you. And sometimes the only reason is that you have friends that are girls. Nevermind, that I know they’re just your friends and you don’t fool around with them. And nevermind, that most of the people I talk to are guys and you actually never trip about it. I’m just insanely jealous that they can spend time with you and I can’t. I just wish I could spend time with you instead of them.
And maybe it’s because you don’t want to see me or maybe it’s just because I can’t see you, but I guess that’s the entire point of why I’m jealous, because it all comes down to time. And right now, I keep fighting with time and maybe I shouldn’t fight with it at all. I mean, I know you’re gonna love me anyways and I know I’m gonna love you anyways. So maybe it’s best, I should just be patient and give you time to figure out what you want. Honestly, (not to be cocky or anything) but I already know we’re probably gonna end up together sooner or later. I mean, we fight all the time and we sit there annoyed with each other, but I love us, and I wouldn’t want to imagine you and me any other way. That’s just us. My point is, maybe I should just be patient and have faith that in the end, that we just fall back together like we always do. Because we always do.
So maybe I should stop writing as if we’re running out of time and just writing to you as if I won’t run out of time. Maybe I should just slow down and realize that we’re young and we have all the time in the world. And the funny thing is, I know you love me a lot and I love you a whole lot, so I know I shouldn’t worry about anyone else. Like, what the hell? You’re mine. and I’m yours. And we know that. So who in the hell cares that you hang out with your friends (even if they are girls). The more I think about it, the more I know, it’s okay. You’re gonna come back to me anyways. Fuck all the rest. I shouldn’t worry about your friends. Maybe you should shake me until I can fully get the thought through my head.
You asked me what I even like about us. And in that moment, I could only tell you that I thought you were fun. But that answer doesn’t quite justify what I like about us so much. Because to be honest, I love us. and I could probably go on and describe each of the many reasons why I love us, but this is an email and that list would be so ridiculously long that it would be too long to read in this format.
To be completely honest, I was gonna write a long list of why I love us so much, but I realized that would be kinda dumb. I mean, in the end, do you really need a reason to like something so much? And no, I don’t just “like” us, I love us. When you asked me in bed, why I liked us so much, I didn’t give a solid answer. Honestly, sometimes the best answer is just because. But since, we might be looking for more substantial answers to this open-ended question, I will give you what you want.
Yeah, there are the other things that are just as important aside from loving us just because. I love us for our differences and I love us for our fights that turn into kisses and our kisses that turn into fights which turn into kisses again and I love us for our goofiness and I love us for our randomness. And I love us for our messiness and I love us for our drama and I love us for how we annoy each other like fucking crazy.and I love us for our chaos. Like right now, I’m mad at you and I’m writing this, and I’m not even entirely sure why I’m mad you, I just know that the thought of you just annoys the fuck out of me, but I know I love you so much. (What? I know that didn’t exactly sound right, but I slightly enjoy it). And yeah, you stress me like fucking crazy for absolutely no reason, and yet you make me feel easier inside. You make me tense, but you also make me feel calm. And maybe that makes no sense, but you make me feel balanced. (Fuck, you know, I wish speaking the truth to you in letters didn’t want to make me cry). Every time I feel worried, you are the first person I want too tell because I know telling you will calm me the fuck down.
Sometimes I wish I could grasp the true reason why I love us so much and bottle it up and show you to make you understand. But in the end, sometimes I don’t even understand why I cling to you so hard. i’m very drawn to you Zurich. And with our entire story, including our bad parts, maybe it’s strange why I would cling so hard as I always do. And yeah, I’m wildly and crazily sexually attracted to you. But I’m also just really attracted to you in general. Like as much as you keep pushing me away and as much I try to stay away, I always end up coming back. It’s very confusing, for how much i get mad at you, I always end up going back to you. I’m just very attracted to everything that you are. And I know we love each other a lot, so I never actually feel afraid to go back.
Right now, I suppose I am slightly mad at you for saying that I keep forcing you to hang out with me. And I guess it’s true, but you didn’t have to be such an asshole about it. I mean, we only have about a month or so before we go off and start with the process of transferring. And fuck, aren’t you gonna miss me when we wont see each other very often? Like hell, I’m gonna miss you so fucking much that the thought of it just scares me now. So I am mad at you for not fighting to see me at any chance you get, like I’m doing with you. Like i keep fighting with you to see you and ‘forcing’ you to hang out with me because I know that times running out. And you don’t understand how important this last month is to me.
Maybe I’m overreacting. I just saw you just the other day. And we’re probably gonna end up seeing each other next week and yet, I still slightly panic as if I’m never gonna see you again. Crazy. Like, it’s weird. I know I’m gonna see you next week and we’ll probably end up doing something and it’ll probably be something every week. (But maybe I’m overreacting. We always say we aren’t gonna do it and we always end up doing the exact thing we say we aren’t gonna do) And wow, I love you a lot. And I’m entirely afraid of losing you that maybe the moment does call for overreacting.
Because as much as I think you’re a fucking asshole, I love you like fucking crazy. Like yeah, you’re a fucking asshole, but you’re my fucking asshole. And I think you’re really something. And I think you’re special. And sometimes I feel that if I stay away for too long, someone else will notice just how great you secretly are. And while you and I are messy, when we’re together, everything seems to make sense. And my scattered thoughts suddenly organize themselves.
It’s like i’m mad at you right now, but I’m stressed over picking my classes for next semester. And I kinda wish you could hold me so I wouldn’t feel so stressed. Golly, I wish you were holding me right now.
I love writing you letters by the way. It’s one of my favorites. I love telling you sweet things so much that it’s odd I didn’t tell you sweet things every day. Because as much as I hate you, I love you like fucking crazy. Damn, I realize now, I’ve said that so many times throughout this letter; I’m wearing it out. Maybe I should think of another phrase besides ‘I love you like fucking crazy’.
I was gonna send these letters every three days or so, but we saw each other and I felt very upset after seeing you last Wednesday and it ruined the schedule of these letters. But then I started writing this letter soon after, and I keep trying to think of the perfect thing to say. And the longer I hold onto a letter, the more I overthink it. I’m not gonna lie, it feels like it took me a long time to write this letter.
It never makes sense, how much I miss you. I swear we just saw each other and it’s as if miss you as if we didn’t just see each other.
I wish we could retreat into the safeness of your sheets, when we’re in between the comforter and your holding me and we forget everything for a moment. I wish we could always feel like that.