Turning a New Leaf

The thought of him bothers me. The thought that I asked him to do something next Tuesday bothers me. The fact that I thought it was okay to ask him that and the fact that I know he will not answer me bothers me. Everything about him bothers me. That he broke up with me through text bothers me. That his friend Z and him will probably transfer to the same college together, the same university that me and him call “our place” bothers me. That we saw each other after and messed around and liked it and said that we love each other, bothers me. That it would’ve been two years by now bothers me. That I consider our relationship to be about a year and 11 months, counting the times we saw each other after the breakup, bothers me. The thought that he’s the first thought when I wake up and the last thought before I go to bed bothers me. That I think about him in that way bothers me. That we kissed in all the hallways and stairwells bothers me. It all kinda bothers me.

And I am still okay.

Honestly, I asked if he would like to do something next Tuesday and I know even if he doesn’t say anything and he won’t, I’m going to be fine. Screw him for not wanting to do something. He will remember and I will remember that I was sweet and I loved him fully the entire time, all the way to the end. We’ll remember that I held on and I was crazy in love with him. And he will remember and I will remember that he chose to act like asshole. And he will feel horrible about it when he looks back. And yes I miss him, but I’m pretty fine being alone.

And sometimes I feel a little empty inside without him and sometimes I feel like I’m going through the motions instead of living fully, but ultimately, I feel better without him. Yes, there are times throughout the day, I long for him and I hate him and I love him all the same. And yeah, I cry a little, inside and out. But without him, I feel like a better person. I feel nicer. I feel more reliable. I feel like I have my shit together. And I feel more stable. I don’t feel emotionally unstable. I don’t feel like a slob expressing my feelings. I feel more happy.

And without him, I feel more open and I feel more free to things that are coming my way. I feel like I’ve given myself permission to say yes to things. I don’t know if that makes sense. But I’ll try my best to explain. With him, I always felt like I was unconsciously and consciously planning my life around him. I would pick my classes and try to account for breaks to be with him or just try and find time when I could anticipate being with him. I would worry about us. In terms of transferring, I would worry so much about that: when we would see each other, when he could come and see me, when I could maybe see him, how would we tell my parents, what about the girls he meets, what if I meet someone, when we would find the time to hold our relationship together without imploding, the list goes on… And now since we’re not together, that weight of worries is gone. And now I feel more open to just making my schedule around me.

I feel more open to exploring and wandering and having adventure. And I also feel scared because I’m going to be on my own. When we were together, I just felt like he protected me, even when he wasn’t there. In some ways, this made me fearless, but in another sense, it made me feel weak. Because I was always relying on him to fight for me (even if there were no battles to be fought), it meant I couldn’t be strong by myself. So relying on him made me fragile and being detached from him made me fearful. And the silly thing is I shouldn’t be afraid and scared, I’m a very strong person. To be completely honest, I’m much more stronger in all my ways without him.

So if anything, he was holding me back. He disliked my natural curiosity. He wasn’t exactly crazy about my love for education and how there were so many things to learn. He liked adventure, but he didn’t like exploring. And he was curious, but only to an extent. He was lazy and depended only on luck. He didn’t have the drive I thought he had; he was just lucky. and there were times I thought he gave me the little push I needed, but I’m starting to think maybe those weren’t little nudges from him: that was all me. I pushed myself into going where I was supposed to go. I’m my achievements. No that wasn’t him making me strong, that was me and everyone else that supported me. No, that wasn’t him at all.

My world is getting too big for me to worry about him.

And so now I feel more excited to grab what I want and to be who I want. And I feel more comfortable being myself. And I feel good about being curious. And I feel more excited for what’s coming. And I feel like exploring and adventuring and being my own person without him. And I feel like growing up and becoming someone great. And I feel more free.

There will be a day when he wants me back, but today is not that day. And that is okay. Because while the days are passing, I will become one of his biggest regrets. And I know that for sure. Because I’m going to be someone great.

And so with that, I am turning new leaves for myself. My life is too amazing to feel sad. Tonight and every day after, I am choosing not to be anything but happy because I deserve no less than happy.

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