The Giraffe

Random pieces of information. I’ve been doing alright without speaking to him. The last time I tried to contact him was Wednesday, where I called once late at night, only to get his voicemail. To be real, I was just gonna hear him say ‘hello?’ and then I was gonna hang up. Anyways, I called without *82ing, but he probably knew it was me.

So I’ve been doing alright. Today, in fact, will be day four. And I’m feeling pretty good. Minus the part where I looked up that friend of his, Z (and although she has a boyfriend that she’s really in love with) and felt pretty mad because I think she’s kinda like a whore. Okay, maybe she’s not, but her pictures don’t make me think any better of her. So she’s supposed to consider my ex-boyfriend one of her best friends, and seeing her picture kinda made me mad. I mean, the girl’s with someone, but that could also mean, my ex-boyfriend also hangs out with her. And although they’ve never done anything weird with each other, it just makes me feel a little insecure. I mean, I know I’m pretty and I’m a whole lot smarter and all the other things that girls compare with one another, but seeing her pictures and thinking of her hanging out with him as friends, makes me feel pretty frazzled. And I know comparing is bad, but I know I’m better. And even though they are just friends, it makes me feel mad.

Okay, not let me cut back to how good I’ve actually been, instead of obsessing over made-up worries. So I was in the midst of writing him a letter the other day of all the reasons why I loved him, and although it was getting a bit repetitive, it was making me a bit sad. I know when I’m writing a good letter, when I feel tears when I write it. And that’s how I was feeling, so I stopped writing it. I’ll pick up where I left off with it later.

So two days ago, I started crocheting him a giraffe just because. And I know okapis are his favorite animal, but would he really recognize a crocheted okapi? Probably not. And his other favorite is zebras. But I didn’t have black string. And besides, the cutest pattern for that cost money. So I decided to make his next favorite animal, the giraffe. Also, he reminds me of a giraffe. Aside from him being really tall, there were a few times when I was feeding him some food, and he kinda reminded me of a giraffe. And now, I’m in the process of making him a giraffe just because I want to. And to be honest, I really love the giraffe. I even made him a big heart that will go inside of him when I stuff him. I’m really excited to make it for him. And I know we’re both supposed to take this time to be away from each other and to try and move on and whatnot, but I really love that I’m making him the giraffe. And he doesn’t even know. We haven’t really spoken to each other  for almost a month.

So I’m doing pretty well. My days are full. I’m keeping busy. And sometimes the though of him makes me sad, but I just move forward. It’s all good. I can’t say I’m not happy because I am. And I miss him wildly and his name feels a little foreign on my tongue, but we’ll see each other soon. And while their are parts of my day where I just feel so angry with him, the feeling just comes then goes. We broke up because he broke up with me. And I was gonna break up with him at the end of that week, but he beat me and broke up with me. We were unhappy. And we couldn’t get along. And we kept arguing for no reason. And while we loved each other a lot, we constricted each other from growing.

So maybe we don’t get back together right away, maybe it take patience and time. And I have that. And maybe we need to grow and explore and see new things and have more experiences. And maybe we don’t fit together now, but that doesn’t discount later. Maybe we need time before we grow into each other. We don’t fit together now, but later we’ll find a way. We need to grow first. And I’m okay with all of that.

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