Going Back…

So here I am, tripping over shit that happened over six years ago, back when I didn’t even know my ex-boyfriend. Looking through his old statuses, as if it somehow matters. Trying out figure out what was happening at that time in his life, like it really doesn’t matter. I honestly don’t really understand or know what I’m worrying about. I’m just doing it because I’m overthinking about him again.

Earlier today I was overthinking this video of him, years ago, when high school had just started for him, years before I met him. Back when his first girlfriend was becoming one of his best friends and he was still very chubby. I was trying to understand what was so significant about that video. And maybe it was his face. How he smiled at her. And I’m not gonna lie, years later, he would smile at me sweetly. I’m not sure why any of this matters and why it just pops up in my head. Anyways, I was trying to find it on her Facebook, but I ended up reading old statuses on his Facebook. Of how someone once questioned why he put “in a complicated relationship”. I mean, I know he wasn’t in a “complicated relationship” at 14, I’m just over obsessing. The girl who broke up with him later, the girl I keep mentioning as Z, became one of his best friends and I became really jealous over that fact, so much that he never thought to introduce me because I wanted him to stop being friends with her. I keep rereading all the statuses she bothered him with when he was ignoring her for breaking up with him. How weird of me. Like me and him were really serious and we were both our first serious relationship, and I’m sitting here tonight tripping over a middle school relationship, like one that went from the end 8th to the beginning of 9th. Like seriously, a middle school relationship that lasted for about 6 months. I’m comparing that to our serious relationship, that spanned almost 2 years. What the fuck?

Anyways, my day was good. Except I ran into him like 3 times, on purpose. I was walking toward the building I knew he must’ve been in, when he was actually walking out of it. And so I kept walking into the building to make it seem like I was doing that all along. And I knew he was walking to the store, so I later passed by the store and glanced inside. And during all these times, I wasn’t wearing my glasses, so I didn’t bother giving him eye contact and I didn’t bother looking at him too hard. I barely looked at him at all. And then an hour later, I was walking toward the building, trying to see my teacher. And she wasn’t in, so I decided to walk up the stairs. Half because I heard his voice, and half because I wanted to walk this quiet sitting area to be by myself. And so while I walking up, he was walking down with his friend. And I wasn’t wearing my glasses, and I wasn’t looking up over at him, only forward. And I felt okay that we weren’t talking. I realized I didn’t really want to talk to him. And I don’t know why I kept trying to run into him. Maybe it’s just out of habit.

Yeah I miss him a lot. And in time, maybe we’ll get back together. Or eventually become super close friends. And then, yeah, become us again. But for now, I’m just trying to focus on me and all my things. I keep over obsessing on things that truly don’t matter and I’m just making things up to worry about. I need to give it a rest. Like him and I would talk about these things all the time, and he would tell me they didn’t matter, that I was the only girl he loved, so it didn’t matter, before didn’t matter. He loved me.

I really need to stop thinking about him for awhile. Two weeks. I’m restarting my timer. Really though, I need to breathe.

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