A Night Like Tonight

Son of a bitch, I miss that boy like fucking crazy tonight. Oh, the letters I’ve written to him, the ones I sent the ones I haven’t sent, they’re so fucking nice and romantic. And my gosh, I love him. It’s been months since I’ve sent an actual letter. Maybe I will, maybe I will. And I want to be with him. And I want him to hold me. After all, this is cuddling weather.

And I hurt myself tonight by looking through old pictures. Proof that me and him were real. And I have tell myself that breaking us up was his choice, not mine. It is not my fault that we aren’t together; it’s his. Fuck, I miss the people in the pictures. Wow, I love us. And I have to wipe the tears before they fall. I wonder if he goes through our pictures too late at night. If he misses me and longs for me in the night. If he pictures me laying next to him his bed, smiling at him. If he blames himself, like I blame myself sometimes. Maybe he blames me, like I blame him.

All the girls I’ve looked up and stocked online just because I worried about his friends. Damn, I did for an hour today just because. Trying to add up if he saw any of these girls that I know are his friends, girls that are no threat, girls that never liked him all too much to actually pursue anything with him. They didn’t matter and yet I fought him for having friends. You don’t realize things like this, things that you shouldn’t be jealous of, you don’t realize all the things that don’t matter until they already happen. All those times I’ve went off for no reason. All the words I’ve written him. All the times we fought over absolutely nothing. And now I just miss him like crazy.

I keep thinking about what went wrong. Was I not wild enough for him? Does that bother me? Not really, I didn’t want to go out and do drugs and drink. He didn’t pressure me or anything. He just wanted to try it with me. And to be honest, that didn’t interest me. I like who I am. I am wild, but I am wild on my own terms, in my own way.

He wanted to do wild and young things. And I wanted to do wild and young things. but I couldn’t. I hadn’t told my parents. Over a year and a half and I hadn’t told them. And he wanted me to tell my parents about him. And I didn’t want to because I didn’t love the way he loved me. I wasn’t impressed. I was impressed with him as a person, I loved his overall being, but I felt embarrassed to tell and fight my parents over a boy who kept breaking up and making up with me every two weeks for no absolute reason, except that we kinda liked fighting with each other. And maybe we were too intense for each other. I don’t know. I keep adding up reasons why we couldn’t work out. I blame me, then I blame him, then I blame me, continuing the circle of blame. In the end, it’s both our faults. We’re so opposite. I hate it. And I love it at the same time. We clash, and we compliment. And it’s fucking crazy. We were serious about each other. He says we were too serious. Maybe we were. But we’re young. And how in the hell can you grow if you become too serious? I don’t know. I think I could’ve grew still, but maybe not as big? Who’s to say? He is not always right, and nor am I. Time will tell.

And yeah, I texted him on Sunday. And I asked to go out for lunch again. And after no reply, I messaged him. And I said that we couldn’t do lunch just yet. When I can leave him alone and stop trying to run into him for two weeks, then we can have lunch. And he’ll say yes. And so I said I love him and that I would give space.

And all was well until he called me this morning. I missed the call, but then I called back twice. And I told him to call me back since I think he called me? When I got no call back, I called again a few hours later. Then my phone died.

Later on, I realized I didn’t need to talk to him right now. I didn’t really want to. I’m learning to cope being without him. I mean, I already knew how to be alone and I was fine with it. But it’s been awhile. And I’m just trying to learn to be by myself again. But then he called, and it through me off. So I just messaged him this afternoon and I told again that I love him. But I told him to please leave me alone, leave me be for now. He was right. We do need space.

And I know he only called me once, but I realized for as much as I do want to see him and be with him, I know I shouldn’t right now. He will call once and I will call back many times. And he will eventually pick up. And we’ll go out. And we’ll be in love and we’ll be confused. And I’ll be right back where we started. I don’t have the energy for that at the moment.

I could go through all that heartbreak and excitement with him all over again a thousand times over, but not now. Before I called him back today, I tried to figure out when I could see him today. And I realized I didn’t really want to skip any classes. And I didn’t want to drop everything for him. And so I was a bit relieved when he didn’t answer.

Maybe I’m just growing up, but I don’t really want to see him right now. I was doing pretty fine without him. I can’t grow with him in my way right now. I don’t think I can really stand for it. I like being alone.  He makes me happy and upset and excited and angry. And I love him. And he annoys me and I hate him, and I love him all the same. But I need to cope with being on my own. And I know he called, either on accident or just for cuddling, but I don’t really wan to know why. He didn’t answer my call backs. So it doesn’t matter why in the hell he called.

Fuck, I am so in love with him. I keep thinking about writing him. Stopping and starting love letters to him in my head. But I need to grow and be my own person right now. And he’s getting in the way of that. The other day, I visited the university I’m transferring to. And I realized how deafeningly quiet it was. That’s gonna be me next semester. I realized if I didn’t cope with being alone and if I didn’t cope with our breakup, then I would probably go crazy thinking about him and his company. So I need to start with that now.

Today someone told me I seemed distant, like I was in my world. And maybe it was because I didn’t particularly know the person who presented me with this statement, but I think I am distant sometimes. And I know why. Because sometimes I can just be standing there or sitting down, contemplating all my thought on him. Adding things up, trying to recall far-off pieces of us, pulling together the perfect combination of words to win him over, shushing myself to not feel hurt about him.

I need time for myself. Of course I want to see him. And I want us to be and I want us to sit down together and laugh about nothing. But now isn’t the time for that. This isn’t the time for us. Now’s the time for me and now’s the time for him. Maybe I call in two weeks or so. Maybe we go out. I just need to breathe tonight. And I need to leave me be.

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