The morning started out with a dream. He shows up in so many of my dreams, but last night’s dream was different from the others. In my dream, I ran into an old friend from middle school, K. And we ran into each other a few times at a mall that was in town. Of course it wasn’t a real mall, just one that was made up for my dream. And after the second time or maybe it was the first time, we were saying bye to each other. And he leaned in and I think he pulled my head in and we kissed. And I remember, his lips were dry. And then I leaned in and kissed him. And he said he would see me tmorrow. And I asked where. And I guess he was all dazed and we were just looking at each other. And we agreed we would meet in the mall.
Later on that day, I looked at my phone and realized that he had messaged me 40 times. Not K, but my ex-boyfriend. And there were all types he sent me. Some made sense and others didn’t. And he was trying to get my attention. It looked like he had been trying to get my attention for days. It from the looks of it, I had read some of the messages on some days and others I just ignored and never opened. I knew one thing though from all the texts. He wanted me back.
But I was not exceptionally overjoyed by him and his messages. I was actually super confused. There I was in my dream, moving on to someone that I had liked for a very long time. K was one of my best friends in the 8th grade and in the beginning of high school, I had a crush on him. Although I liked him for a little bit, I thought he become very cute during high school. And he liked me too. But we never pursued anything from there. I didn’t agree to hang out with him, so we couldn’t move forward from there. I tried to find him at his high school once and got too shy and might’ve literally ran away. Anyways, we stopped speaking after none of us did anything about our feelings.
So in real life, we didn’t see each other for a long time after that. It wasn’t until two years ago, we saw each other. And when I did final see him, I was with my now-ex boyfriend. And we couldn’t really talk. He was with his friend and I had a boyfriend. The point is, K showed up in my dream. And it made the story very interesting.
Back to my dream. I saw those messages and I didn’t know what to do. Should I meet K the next day or should I message the boy back. In my dream, I loved that boy still. On a screen within my phone, I had all these pictures of him. At the same time, I was all confused because I wanted to continue talking to K and seeing him.
So what did I do? I woke up. And I didn’t really know what I would do.
The day in review though.
So far I keep, out of habit, doing all the things I know I shouldn’t be doing. Thinking about us without our clothes on. Overthinking about him in general. making myself angry with the though of him having friends that are girls. Getting jealous that he’s friends with them. Hating on all of them individually for no particular reason, except that he’s friends with them. And I know none of them are doing anything romantic with him, you know, still. I spent my morning overthinking about all this, being all types of jealous. Only time will stop me from being all jealous about nothing.To be honest, when he was younger he had feelings for each one of these girls all at different times. And in all the cases, it never worked out for him. The first broke up with him for someone else, the other two just didn’t like him and the last one didn’t like him enough to pursue a relationship with him. And here I am, tripping about nothing. Like the point is, none of them liked him and none of them wanted him. So there is no threat. I shouldn’t even think about it so hard. I really am tripping over nothing.
In order to quell these thoughts of him, I’ve just been doing a lot of yoga just because it relaxes me. So I could say I didn’t want to get into shape for him, I want to get into shape for me, but let’s face it. Yeah, I do want to get into shape for him just because. And sure, I want tog et into shape for me too. But yeah, I’m going to look really good and I want him to feel stupid as fuck. Now this does not necessarily make the most sense because he liked my body the way it was. I felt really comfortable with my body around him. So I take back part of what I said there and I’ll say this. I do a lot of yoga and exercise not just to get into shape for me or for him, but because it’s something to do. Mainly because I can focus all my energy on the exercise and the stretch just to distract myself from exerting my energy on the thought f him. So maybe this breakup is the catalyst of me becoming really strong, mentally and physically. I have never exercised so much just for the hell of it until now.
Yeah, of course I miss him like a motherfucker. And I did have the urge to hear his voice last night and I did have the thought to call him up and just hanging up to hear him say “hello”. But lately, when I think about him too much now, I just exercise. And I guess I’ve amped it up more now, by adding the yoga videos three days ago. So I just exercise now, all the damn time. I don’t know if that’s strong of me or just kinda sad, borderline crazy of me.
After all that yoga today and knitting and writing about him and thinking about us, I’ll say I’m doing pretty fucking well today. And I will state this for the record. I haven’t given up on the thought of us quite yet. We’re young. So I have all the time in the world to change his mind. And I haven’t lost my nerve yet. In fact, I think I’m just getting started. These next few weeks, I’ll be contemplating my next move and it’ll be strong. Just like me. I’m going to get mine and it’s going to happen. And as he knows, I always get my way.