Washing My Hands of You

It turns out he really was reading my messages. I realized I just can’t stop messaging him. So after telling him maybe I was just pmsing, I just hate the thought of him talking to some other girl, I told him that I fucking missed him. Yeah, I really hope that last message went through and got sent. And then I deactivated my account for the next 28 days.

I realized that my mind and my heart are just too caught up in him. Who knows if he even thinks of me? I spend too much of my time thinking of him, wondering if he’s thinking of me. And I shouldn’t do that. I shouldn’t have to.

I’m more than okay. Yeah, he thought I was really amazing. But I’m extraordinary. And I don’t need him to feel like that. Because I know I am.

And so I will spend these next two to three, let’s make it three weeks, him-free. Because I need some time and space just away from the thought of him. The thought of him right now drives me crazy. There are just so many memories of us, happy, sad, annoying, funny, annoying, all kinds. A year and nine months is a long time. And if you count these last two months of us seeing each other a handful of times to “cuddle” and act like a couple for the time being, then it almost makes two years. And fuck, I can’t spend all my time thinking about how even though we argued a lot about nothing, I still find him to be wonderful and funny and amazing and vibrant and colorful and exciting. I can’t think about him like that all the damn time. It’s annoying as fuck.

So I just need to take a break from thinking about him at all.

  1. No looking for him in the hallways, trying to run into him.
  2. No making phone calls or texts to him asking if wants to have lunch or just to talk.
  3. No long emails, apologizing for all the calls and texts, telling him you miss him.
  4. Do not send that love letter. I mean come one now. Now is not the time.
  5. Do not linger in places in which you suspect he will pass by.
  6. Do not look up his friends that are girls. When you look them up, you never actually find anything good there and when you do find proof of their friendship on these things, it pisses you the fuck off.
  7. And do not compare yourself to them because you’re you. And you, you’re fucking amazing.
  8. Do not look him up. It just keeps reminding you how much you like him.
  9. Suppress the urge to do things like walk into his job and ask for help with finding something.
  10. Suppress the urge from doing something dramatic like showing up in front of his house. (I know I’ve got nerve. I shouldn’t prove to myself that I have the nerve to knock on his door)
  11. Do not do anything romantic.
  12. Try not to talk about him.
  13. Try not to write about him, seriously though. This one is very important.
  14. Do not think too hard about him before you fall asleep.
  15. Do not think about him naked. (This one’s pretty hard).
  16. Do not make him anything (i.e. hats, handmade things, just anything)
  17. If there is something that reminds you of him, put it away. If it is a place that you can avoid, walk the other way.
  18. Stop reminiscing all the damn time. You’re young. Go make some new memories. Find some new adventures.
  19. Stop comfort eating. (Okay, I don’t actually do this a lot. Only once in a while. But I really shouldn’t.)
  20. Stop telling yourself that you love him and that you’re in love with him. You already know.

Basically, I just need to spend the next two to three weeks trying to forget about him. I just need to not look for him and to try and not think about him. Everything that pertains to him, tuck it away for now. I need a break from him.

I think I’ll just exercise like crazy. Not because I didn’t like my body when I was with him and not because he didn’t like body. (On the contrary, I was very comfortable with my body when we were together. I was like extremely comfortable being naked with him. We were really comfortable being naked with each other. It just felt really natural. Wow, we were really comfortable with each other. It was very nice). Anyways, I’m just gonna exercise with all my time now because it makes me feel happy and calm. And I feel better afterwards.

So I just need to cleanse my mind of him. Wash my hands. Have my heart let go a little bit. I don’t ever want to feel like this again. I’m done breaking my own heart.

And sure, maybe we’ll talk again and all that. And you know, the zoo. And yeah, maybe to be honest, maybe, we fall for each other all over again and we chase each other and all that.

But for now, I really do need space to be alone. And honestly, I think I’m going to like it.


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