I’ll talk to you later

I woke up this morning too early from a dream that I was enjoying. And he was there. And  was there in that dream. He was holding me in front of a movie theater and we were talking about how we were going to run into each other, how he was going to meet my parents and say how he felt about me. And he maybe he was telling me that he loved me. I don’t remember. And I woke up. And  couldn’t fall back asleep.

So I tried to forget about that. And moved along with my day.

Yet again, my day was going by pretty well until I hit a low point. I had done what I said what I do. I ran this morning and I felt significantly better. Well maybe not significantly better, but I felt better. And then I continued on with my day, exercised some more two hours later.

Then I saw my friend Emma. And she asked me how single life was treating me. And I told her that I was good, I was doing good. Then I went ahead and I told her that I ran this morning. And I had pilates. And I was planning on running again. That’s how single life was treating me. I mean, all I do is exercise.

To be honest, it’s not that’s all I can do. It’s just, it helps me cope with my thoughts. Like, I don’t have to think that hard when I exercise. And if I do think about him, especially when I run, at least I can relieve my stress my running a little faster. Or just making myself tired. At least that way I think about him slower and all the thoughts don’t flood my mind. It helps.

And so, I was going to run, but then I felt the urge to call him. So I went ahead and did what I wanted to do. And I called. And I thought my calls were being block because I would get a few rings and it would say call being forwarded. And so I called again. And again. Because I started to feel a little depressed. I thought he blocked my number. But by the fifth or so call, he picked up. And he asked something, like if anything was wrong or if I was okay.

And I said something, like no, nothing was wrong. I just wanted to talk to him. And I think he said he was kinda busy with something. So I paused. And breathed to myself. And I said okay. And he said he would talk to me later. And that was the end of the call.

And you know, yeah. I am still upset. We broke up like two months ago. And since then, we’ve seen each other about four to five times just because. Just because I wanted to be with him. And the thought of it depresses me still.

Like I cannot accept that he doesn’t want to get back together. And some of you are probably reading this and thinking, this girl needs to move the fuck on. But it’s proving to be really hard for me. Every time I go forward, I turn around and tug on him and ask if he’s coming along. And he each time, he says no. He’s not coming. He’s not coming along with me. And no, he doesn’t want to.

And maybe I’m pmsing really hard right now. Or maybe I just blame all my sad feelings about him on pmsing because I don’t want to admit that he’s all I ever think about. And sometimes thinking about him and everything from before and everything now and everything that’s going to happen overwhelms me. And I don’t know where to begin with us. Because honestly, I don’t really want us to end at all. I just want the story to keep going. And I don’t care if the story is all twisted at parts and sometimes doesn’t make sense or we have to go through a lot of bullshit, because it’s the middle.

And who cares about the middle if we end up with each other at the end. I wish he hadn’t told me that. That feels like a long time ago.

Honestly, I  keep thinking about him.  I think about what he’s doing. All the friends he’s with, which of them are girls. I think of the girls that he’s friends with that I don’t like. I give myself anxiety thinking about made up situations and past things that don’t matter.

I think about running into him. I half-heartedly look for him and try to run into him by not running into him. I was walking a staircase today, waiting to run into him. And I thought his voice at the top, tell another girl she had a nice sweater. But when I turned up, I realized he wasn’t there. He wasn’t around there at all. It was another boy.

And so I walked on a little bit more, determined to find him. And I couldn’t. I didn’t try my hardest to. And I didn’t want to. But then about twenty minutes later, I went ahead and made that call.

You know, maybe I will get around to that love letter that I’ve been talking about sending. Maybe we will get back together. Maybe he thinks about me all the time. And maybe he wonders too about us. I don’t think there’s any other girl. And I don’t think he’s moving on. I think he’s just being. And he’s comfortable with that. I should get comfortable with that too. It’s just feels hard because I just felt comfortable ‘being’ with him.

It’s going  to take some time this time. We’ll be together, just not now.

We’re young, we have all the time in the world. But it wouldn’t hurt to try again next week or the week after and just call him. And if not, remember, it will all work out in the end. We’ll be together, just not now, not at the moment. Be patient.

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