I know his coworkers were never a threat. Every once in a while I would worry about them, but then I would just come to the conclusion that they weren’t. To be honest, I don’t think they ever were. He just didn’t like me being at his work because he would talk about me to his coworkers. To be honest, I guess I have walked in there a few times, mad at him. Ready to start an argument. But sometimes, I’ve just been in there to visit him because don’t girlfriends do that? Anyways, I guess his work right now just upsets me. Maybe after a certain while, he realized he couldn’t talk bad about me and let me walk into his work, which by the way, is in the mall. Maybe he wanted to act professional and kissing me would have broke his working mentality. I don’t know. I don’t believe his coworkers were a threat. I’m just saying I don’t like his work that much.
Reading this blog from the beginning or even just skipping to random entries is a little depressing in itself. And aside from how obviously I love him, he’s a complete jerk. I mean, I understand sometimes I go off for no reason, but he is completely full of himself for the most part. I know, sometimes within the entries, he comes through and I’m the one at fault, but most times, he just acted like a straight-up dick.
Yeah, there are parts of the story I don’t remember and when I read about them over again, I remember why I tried to forget that part. It’s because it was kinda horrible. And maybe I should really think about the guy I’m chasing after before I jump into this headfirst. I mean, he bit me that one time. He doesn’t like me visiting him at work. He didn’t come through for me most times, in terms of showing up. He’s not a cheat (and I’ll say that for the record), but he’s a liar. And he’s hurt my feelings a lot. And sure we always made up after, but he’s kinda fucked up. For the most part, all I’ve ever done is love him even through all those fucked up moments.
So maybe I should take the time and space to actually breathe through this. I deserve so much better than this that running after him is an incredibly laughable thought. Yeah, I love his adventure and his bewilderment with everything, the way he gets excited about anything. His energy. Yeah, I still think he’s amazing. And in my heart, he’s still mine.
But I should stop for a second. And think about me too. I too am all those things. And I am more. Does he know that? If he knew, then why would he feel embarrassed of me visiting him at work? Because he likes to talk about me to his coworkers. Why would he not follow through for me? Because he didn’t really care. Why would he always let me go so easily? Because he doesn’t know about me. And I am someone worth knowing. Maybe he should worry about knowing me before I even start knowing about him. Because someone who doesn’t care about me as much as I care about them doesn’t deserve the time of day. And I have given him so many days.
I deserve better than this. For all the patience I gave him, all the love I gave him when he didn’t deserve it, when he didn’t even realize.
I deserve more.