Day Twelve: Why Wait?

Well, I broke my plan last night.

I was at the mall yesterday with my family and he works at the mall. And the mall was closing. And I raced over to where he works to see if I could see him. And all I could see were some girls turning the corner from the store. And I wasn’t sure if they came out of the store or if they were just turning the corner. Anyways, the store was already closed.

And so I walked back over to my family, feeling really dumb, repeating to myself that I did not just do that. Then when we leaving the mall, I saw him in his car. And I saw he was switching lanes and I just kept looking and I was feeling really upset. And from there, I knew that I loved him very much. And that I missed him. He was in the car alone, glancing down over at his phone. And he looked to be on his way somewhere, although I don’t think he was following anyone or anyone was following him. Either way, no one was with him.

So last night I texted him hello. And I called once. And he texted back ‘hey, what’s up. hi!’. And I asked how he was. And he told he was alright. He was at his friend J’s house. He’s been doing good. I asked if we could talk later that night. And so he asked if ten was alright. And we agreed on 10.

Before 10, he told me he wasn’t going to be home at 10 and that he didn’t have his charger. And so I got upset. And told him he was jerk for flaking on me. He did this on purpose.

And then, I was like fuck it. I’m gonna say exactly what I’ve been wanting to say. I said I wanted to see him Wednesday. And that I didn’t want to wait anymore because it was giving me a headache. I said I was going to see him.

And I said it was obvious that I love him. So stop with the talking and not talking. And that I’ve been really good, but I hated feeling jealous of him with somebody else (okay, not that I think he actually did move on. I just hate the idea of it). And that I really want to be with him more than anything else. And that I miss him. And then I said goodnight.

So this morning, I asked him to say something. I asked if we could see each other on Wednesday. And he said yes.

Later on, I asked what he was doing today. And then I said nevermind. He then told me that we should just relax. And talk on Wednesday.

And I guess I feel a lot better about us now. Who cares about before? I shouldn’t care about S or Z or A or any of them. I should just think about now. Every time we try to move forward, I bring up before. And it fucks everything up because then I just start making things up. No, he didn’t cheat on me. He didn’t cheat on me with any of them. After I broke up with him in the beginning of the year, he talked to S because he needed a friend to talk to that wasn’t a guy. He didn’t mess around with A. Nor did he with Z. They’re all just friends. They are not a threat. Every time we broke up, we got right back together after talking it all through. I should just forgive and forget it all at this point. They don’t matter. None of them matter. I no longer fucking care about before. I let go of before. I let go.

If we get back together, and we probably will, none of that will matter. If, in ever the case we ended up together and we got married, none of it would matter. That would just be one small piece of our otherwise giant adventure of a story.

I just really want to start over. Like, I just wish we could reset everything. And we will. We’ll start fresh.

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