Day Nine: Missing Him

My day was really good again.

I went to school. I exercised. I helped people with their homework. I exercised some more. I felt really good.

Then when I was leaving, I tried to run into him on purpose but then my timing was off by like three minutes. Instead of sticking around and lingering, waiting for him to pass by, I decided to keep walking. And I saw him from afar. And that’s how I knew I was three minutes off. So maybe it’s best if I don’t that at all. And I just keep walking forward and I shouldn’t worry myself with running into him (meaning, in other words, passing by each other).

And I haven’t broken my plan. And I won’t be. I’m going to stick to it.

And I’ve been really good days, but sometimes when I’m by myself, like right now, I feel a little down and out about it. Maybe I make myself feel sad about it, or maybe I just miss him. I don’t know what’s left to cry about, but apparently there’s something if the tears can fall down my cheeks.

So yes, aside from crying a bit now, today was really good. Does it make seem less so because I’ve repeated myself so many times? Well, it was. And like the last few days (I guess, at this point, it’s nine), I was happy. And I’m happy today. And once my face dries, I’ll be happy.

He was in dream again last night. I was at a table, telling everyone what I loved about him. And I was making a list out loud. Later on, we saw each other. And we didn’t say anything for a while, until he stopped and broke the silence.

I know, in two weeks time, I will be the one to break the silence. I will call him or text him or maybe I’ll show up at the end of his class. And I miss him a lot right now, but I still feel crazy about everything and I’m still very mad at him. And sometimes, in the back of my mind, I worry if he’ll meet some other girl during this time. And for that, all pretty girls feel like a threat. I was in Chili’s the other day (which is his favorite restaurant), and I felt like I didn’t like the waitress because I kept wondering if he would ever be into a girl like her. And for that I didn’t like her. And sometimes, I feel like lately, I’ve been hating on other girls just because I wonder if he would like them better than he loves me. And feeling like that is damn shame. And I hate feeling that way.

At least, I’m exercising right now. It’s making a really great release from all the tension I feel about him. Along with writing about him. And reading just gives me a break from it all. I’m a happy person, but I’m a little depressed about our breakup.

On the other hand, without him, it feels like I have more room in my head to think bigger things, not that I don’t already. But sometimes, I suppress them by a little bit when I’m with him because if I take on too many things in the future, when will I have time to give him time, to work on us, and to just be.

This has it’s ups and downs. I really enjoy him because I like being with him, in the sense of just being. I don’t know what it is, but it makes the moments count. And on my own, I always have to be busy, doing something. And it feels like the time passes me by a little faster. But when I’m with him, it feel different, likes time is slower, yet faster at the same time.

Damn, I love him so much.

I don’t know if I should let him go. Clearly, he’s not chasing me. And I don’t know if I should gather enough strength to continue chasing him or if I should use that strength to propel myself forward without him.

I feel crazy right now. I don’t want to make assumptions that I win him over or that we get back together because then I feel like I’m forcing the issue. And I don’t want to do that. I know I want him back. And in two weeks, we’ll talk about anything. And we’ll see each other and it wont feel so bad.

And we’ll be calm by then. In truth, I don’t feel hurt. I don’t feel that he hurt me by breaking up with me. Our relationship hurt me when he lied about his friends, but breaking up didn’t hurt me. Sure, it makes me feel sad because he wont talk to me right now. And it makes me feel crazy because I want to talk to him right now. But I know I’m not being rational. We broke up because I was making problems up. And this made him feel unhappy. He was always worried that he would do something that would make me mad. So he would just lie about it, so we wouldn’t argue. And yet, I would find out anyways. And the lies weren’t even about cheating or fooling around, they were just to have friendships. I don’t even know how to feel about that.

So I will take this time to calm my ass down. And feel better about him. I wonder if he thinks about me. I hope so. I can’t really stop thinking about him.

Reading, writing, and exercising. That’s all I’ll be doing.

We will talk when we feel calm. Maybe he is, but he wants space from me. And me, I’m still not calm at all.

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