Day Six: Disappointment

I don’t think he’s going to say anything tonight. Twenty minutes ago I asked when he gets off. I asked if he was ignoring me. And I asked if he was there. Then I went around and apologized because I really wanted to talk. I even called once just to see if he blocked me, which he didn’t. And judging by how quick it takes to answer a text and that he has one of those smart watches, he’s just ignoring me.

To be honest, I could’ve just started talking at 9:30 instead of 8:45 because I already had a good idea of the time he gets off. And I could’ve just not say anything at all and waited to see if he would remember me. Or I could’ve just not said anything at all today and I could’ve just been tense for a day about the Facebook thing and then I could’ve just had it all melt away, and actually waited those two weeks like I meant to.

But what’s done is done. I said something to him. He responded, then changed his mind and decided to leave me be. And I am now worked up. The moment we started to talking, I got way too excited. And the moment we stopped talking, I crashed. And then I felt panicky and anxious and crazy once he didn’t respond. And now I am typing away, trying to release all that bad energy, hoping that as I type, he’ll answer me back. How pathetic is that? Isn’t that some dumb shit?

And to be honest, I hate feeling this way. I don’t like feeling this way, being forgotten and ignored. I hate being put to the side. I mean, fuck, he could be answering any number of text from anyone, from any girl that’s not me, but he’s not answering mine. And now tonight, I just feel disappointed. And I feel sad. And I feel that lump of the back of my throat right before you know you’re about to cry. But hey, I’m gonna be okay.

I thought writing this would make me feel a little better, but writing and recalling how I feel right now makes me feel even more sad. Maybe because I’m draining myself into putting this all down into words. I’m just waiting until 9:30 to see if ever does say anything. I keep thinking I should just turn off my phone, so Ill stop turning it over in my hand. But what if he says something? Or what if I turn it off and turn it on in the morning to find that he never said anything and I feel disappointed all over again.

I think I care too much about him. And I fucking hate feeling this way about a person who’s just straight up ignoring me. And I feel so beat up over the fact that I still love this person. This is the boy I want to get back together with. And he’s just not saying anything to me. And I’m so angry. But I think I’m more upset. Someone like this shouldn’t matter at all to me, and yet, he means so much. And I hate that.

And so I say ‘hello?’ ‘Why aren’t you saying anything?’.

And I know I will get no response.

Now I will sit here and pretend not to care that he’s not saying anything.

And so he does respond. Asking me to calm down, he’s had angry customers, I’m pissing him off. What did I need to talk about?

And I ask if we can see each other tomorrow at 12.

And now in this moment I wait. And I think he’ll say no because he’s an idiot. I don’t feel good now.

And he said no. He doesn’t even want to see me right now. And so I said I didn’t understand. I just wanted to sit down and talk. And so said I would try again next Friday. I was sorry. If anything, tonight I just felt really jealous about the girl he friended on Facebook. I’m not calm either because of it. I’ll stop now. I didn’t mean to hurt him.

And now I’ll take all my time calming down and relaxing. Going back to reading, writing , and exercising. Shake it off. Everything’s going to be fine.

And he says ‘You didn’t hurt me okay. Please I just don’t want to talk to you okay. I’m so done with worrying about if I’m doing something that’s going to make you mad.’

And because I must get the last word ‘Hey stop. I was just apologizing about tonight. I was jealous. That was it. I’m really trying to be calm with all of this right now. And I’m not sure to give space or if it’ll change everything by hesitating. Like what if I’m too late? I’m gonna wait this one out this time. Two weeks.’


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