Letters You Won’t Be Receiving, Fourteen

Hey you,

How are you? I’m just fine. In fact, I had a great day today. And since you broke up with me, I’ve been having some really great days. And maybe the first day or two or three, I felt upset. And maybe I cried for the first two days. But I think I’m doing really well right now.

And yet, I miss you. Here I am, trying to write some sort of epic love letter. Isn’t that proof enough that I love you unconditionally? I can’t help but wonder what you’re doing right now. Who you’re conversating with, where you are, what you did today, what you’ve been doing all these days. Did you see me today? To be honest, I only had that classmate meet me in the courtyard today because I knew you would see me and him when you came out of class. You would have to see me. I even dressed for it. I changed my clothes in the middle of the day for you to specifically see me like that.

Anyways, I miss you. And yeah, I love you still. And maybe I am a little crazy for you. Okay, a lot crazy. And I know you broke up with me because you were unhappy. And it feels really selfish of me to ask for you back. And I’m trying to give you the space you need right now. I’m just afraid that if I give you space, someone will nab you and I’ll feel too late, like I should’ve never have hesitated. Does that make sense to you?

Because although I can’t shut up right now, yelling at you, accusing you of fooling around and cheating to get a rise out of you, indirectly telling you I want to talk about nothing, when I know I do want you back, I know you need space. I’m just scared. And since we haven’t seen each other and actually had a real conversation since you broke up with me, I’m starting to realize what I did wrong. I mean, when is the last time we had a real conversation. Like actually sat down and had a nice conversation with no one really tense or mad or a little irritated? I want to say two weeks ago or is it three? I don’t feel good about this. Especially since, I can’t really remember more than half the things you’ve told me. I feel like a horrible girlfriend. Maybe I’m just saying this to make myself feel bad, but who am I kidding? I was wrong. I mean, you were wrong too on so many levels, but so was I. And I want to take this moment to tell you I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell my parents when the timing was right. I’m sorry for saying I was embarrassed and ashamed of you. I’m sorry for not taking you seriously. I’m sorry for pushing you to the edge. I’m sorry for not even trying to understand you. And I’m sorry for not making you happy. I’m sorry for continuously making you mad by me being mad at random things. I’m sorry for acting like an asshole over the calculator. I’m sorry for treating you like an asshole. I’m sorry for arguing with you to the extent where it gets over both our heads. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you were not worthy and I’m sorry if I made you feel any less. I’m sorry if you thought you didn’t deserve me. And I’m sorry that I didn’t consider you’re feelings. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the space you need. And I’m sorry that I can’t let you go. And maybe it’s wrong or maybe I’m doing the right thing, but I’m sorry for chasing you when you clearly don’t want to be chased.

So I may say I have no idea what I’m doing, but in truth, I think we both know me well enough to know that I know exactly what I’m doing.

The other day I said I wanted to talk. I want to be with you. And I want to sit down and have a real conversation. The kind of conversation that reminds us why were together. Or we can sit down and just be. To be honest, I don’t care I just miss you. Do you know how crazy it feels to close my eyes and think about how it feels with you against my lips? Not that crazy at all.

So I want to be with you. I invariably want you. I want to have all my adventures with you. I don’t know what I have to do to prove it to you, but I know now that I’d do it. I think I’d do it all for you. And maybe it’s my heart that’s speaking before my mind, but I know that undoubtedly want this. I want you and me to happen. And I want us to keep happening.

You once told me that if we ended up together, it wouldn’t matter what happened in the middle. I don’t know if you remember this, I barely do, but it stuck with me. And it’s true. It wouldn’t matter.

So let’s consider this part of our middle. Maybe we end up together, maybe we don’t. Maybe we get back together tomorrow or next week or a month from now or maybe even years. But I know I love you now. And I think I’ll love you forever, even if you forget. And I know it’s selfish of me to ask for you back, but I’m going to do it anyway. You’re mine. And you know I’m yours. So you take all the time you need. Talk to you soon. I hope it’s not too long.

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