Day Three: Shaking

Wow, I don’t know when to quit.

Last night, it was late. And I started thinking that maybe, just maybe I overthought it all,  but I overthought this break up. Maybe it’s nothing. But then I realized maybe that’s just me. Maybe it really over between us and maybe it’s just late and maybe I’m just telling myself things.

Today was feeling alright. At first, I was feeing a little mad that he broke up with me. Then I began to smile to myself about our old times. And I didn’t feel too bad anymore. In fact, I kinda missed him. And I remembered that I told him two weeks and so I didn’t feel the itch to call or text him.

Then I saw J, my high school crush. During my last two years of high school, I was so in love in with him. And before when I had seen him, I used to feel really giddy, even when I was with ____. But after talking to him today for a bit and taking in how he was doing, I realized I didn’t really like him at all. And I haven’t liked him for last two years since high school ended, and I knew that for sure. But now I feel really clear on that. And at first, I didn’t really like how that felt and now I realize that it felt kinda good seeing him and finally feeling this way about him. And I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel at peace with it. I’m happy that he’s doing well. And I no longer feel a little curious about the what-if of him and I. I feel good about that.

Afterwards, I came home and I came upon the realization that I was completely idle. In fact, I don’t even try to stay on the computer too long because then I have the urge to look up ___ and all the other girls he’s friends with. You know, then I get made-up jealous for no reason. Anyways, I think we know where this goes. I turn on my Facebook, message him, tell him I want to talk. Ha! I even text him and tell him the same thing, “about how I know I said two weeks, but I wanted to talk to him”. Ugggggh, I even called him. And at first when I called I was getting rings, and now I see he has put my calls on block because I just get the voicemail. That means my texts are now on block.

Now let’s stop for a second here and think everything through. Hold on and hang on to that thought…

So he texted me back right before I was going to delete everything to try and forget that I called him that many times. I was going to delete all the texts to forget that I left that many messages, all answered. But then he texted me back (finally, I guess) and said “hello what did you need to talk about” and I said I “just wanted to talk to talk to him. Was that alright?”.

So there are the chances that he doesn’t respond back at all. And I don’t know how I feel about that.

So back to what I said earlier. What am I even doing? I need to think all this through.

Why do I even want a boy that doesn’t even want to talk to me? Why am I calling everyday and leaving text messages asking to talk? Why am I chasing? What’s the point? He won’t even let me visit him at work because he gossips abut me to his coworkers.

And he answers back and says no. As in, no we can’t talk. And I say “Why? I don’t understand.” I want to say right now that I won’t respond back.

He doesn’t want to get me the calculator for my birthday (which was pretty much over a month ago). He doesn’t want to see me everyday. He thinks I argue about nothing too much, when in reality he keeps doing shit and ruining everything. I don’t trust him. Not because I believe he ever cheated, I just don’t trust him. I don’t want to tell my parents about him. Ha! We went out for almost two years and I’m too ashamed to introduce him as my boyfriend. He isn’t reliable. He isn’t dependable. He cares too much about what others think and about being popular and having friends than about our relationship. He puts his friendships over me. And what I hate is that these friends are girls. He would rather risk our relationship than his friendships. And so for that, I hate all his friends that are girls. It feels like he puts me to the side. And when we’re not together, I feel anxious as hell.

And he asks “please can you relax”. And I apologize and I say that it just feels weird right now. I ask him to say something. I don’t know what I want to hear from him.

He doesn’t consider my feelings. He would rather to talk to his friend Z (that’s a girl) about her boyfriend than argue with me on the phone and try to fix our relationship. He does stupid shit. He’s losing his drive, if he ever really had any to begin with. He’s not that smart. He doesn’t miss me. He only tries for a few days at a time and then he forgets. He tells me he really wants to be with me and that all he wants to do everything he can to be with me. And that’s all bullshit. It’s not real. He only said that about a week or two ago. And then he broke up with me. He’s not chasing me. What the hell am I doing? All that shit and it feels so hard right now to recall why he’s great.

He doesn’t really love me. He loves me, alright. And my God, do I love him. I just wrote all that stuff about him and I know I love him. Isn’t that fucking horrible?

I miss him. And I miss him physically. And I would like to talk to him about I don’t know anymore. I guess I want closure. Then again, maybe I don’t want closure. I don’t really feel like getting back with him either. But I wouldn’t like him to be with anyone else. I don’t know what I want from him. Maybe company? Maybe I want his company? I don’t know anymore.

The funny thing is I know he won’t be mad at me forever. And I know in the end, in some time, which probably isn’t much time at all, he’ll finally want to talk to me. And we’ll probably be pretty good friends, but I guess it’s because the cut feels so fresh right now. That’s why I feel so crazy right now.

Wow, I wish I was exercising or something so I could I let this aggression out somehow.

And I asked him if we could talk on Friday. Can he please say something?

And I know I’m being really stupid right now. I mean he broke up with me. And I don’t know what I’m doing right now.

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