Day Two: Gaining Balance

I’m not gonna lie, I had a pretty great day today.

It didn’t start out that great though. In fact this morning, I felt all frazzled. At first, I wanted to run, then I wanted to write, then I had the urge to call him. At 7:30 AM, which wouldn’t have been that horrible…if I hadn’t called over five times. And that wouldn’t have been too bad either, but of course, he didn’t answer. Then about ten minutes later, I texted him apologized. Saying something along the lines of:

“Pretend I didn’t call. We’ll talk in two weeks. This morning I panicked. I haven’t told anyone and I have too many thoughts.”

And after that, I sat down and wrote for the next hour. And I felt a lot better. And then the day got better. I helped people with their homework, I visited classes, I exercised. In fact, I was able to do better in that because that’s all I’ve been doing since we broke up. All I’ve been doing is exercising and not eating that much. I feel physically stronger by a whole lot.

A little while after that my friend invited me to this lunch on Sunday. Then I saw my other friend M. And we talked for a bit. And I wanted to tell him, but then I told him I forgot what I wanted to say. And he knew that I didn’t really forget. But it was okay. And we said we would talk later.

And the day felt really good. The weather was so nice. I was feeling really good.

I went back to helping people with their studying. Then I ended, and went back outside where I saw my other friend and she asked if we could visit the university together. And everything was looking up for me.

And the I looked over towards the stairs and I saw him with his friend. And I ended my conversation and tried to walk to leave and you know, maybe pass him by. But I don’t think I was wearing my glasses and for a moment, I couldn’t figure out which way he went. I then I realized we must have barely passed each other. And then I saw him and I turned back and glanced over at him. And maybe it was my eyes playing tricks on me, but I thought I saw him glancing back too. And then I kept walking. And I guess he kept walking too. I don’t know. I didn’t look back after that.

Then I moved forward. And I saw R. R is an old classmate of my current “ex”-boyfriend. I know R because we had class together and he turned out to be a really reliable and dependable partner. Anyways, I find R cute and my boyfriend used to joke about me and R being together. To make it short, I don’t like R and while I’ve thought about it, I like him best as a friend. Well, we ran into each other and hopefully I wasn’t wearing my glasses by then (just because). And we talked for a bit, I told him I got accepted, and then he asked me if I was still with _____ still. And until then, I hadn’t told anyone that we broke up, not even my friend M, and I tell him just about everything. So then I said no. And maybe I made a face, maybe I didn’t. Hopefully I didn’t ask R why he asked. But then R said he was just asking because he wanted to know how he was. And I said he was really good. I guess that’s what I said. Anyways, I don’t remember what we talked about next. Maybe I asked about his classes or maybe I didn’t want to talk to him anymore because it suddenly dawned on me that me and my boyfriend broke up. Maybe I said that I would see him later, I had to go. or maybe I said something about my classes. Or maybe he told me he was going to his class. I don’t really remember. I guess I told him I had to go. I would see him later.

So then I saw my sister. And I told her we broke up. That he broke up with me through text. And I felt a little better. Because I finally told people.

And to be real, I’ve been having a really great day. I just miss him that’s all. I’m not extremely sad, I just miss him. And I feel jealous about al the other things he could be doing right now. And I feel jealous of all the other people he’s conversing with right now that aren’t me. And I miss how he felt. Is it crazy to lay back and close my eyes and reminisce the feel of his lips against mine? Or to just imagine the intensity of us making out hard? Wow, sometimes, I just sit there and think about him. Lately, instead of reading in bed, I just shut off the lights and miss him in the darkness. So I’ve just been falling asleep earlier.

Sometimes I just sit there and remember all the bad things. And why I shouldn’t go back. And then I remember I hate his morals. But then I remember I liked his body. Then I remember that I love his personality. And that I love him.

But hey, the days without him have been have pretty great. I miss him though. Maybe he’s missing me too.

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