Night Zero: Beginning Again

It is by no surprise that we broke up (again).

There is no surprise why the calculator was important. In some ways, it can be said I’m being greedy or selfish. But in some ways, I felt like maybe it would fix it. I mean, who buys a $115 calculator for a girl? In my mind, he couldn’t screw up on it. All he had to do was buy it. In my mind, the calculator symbolized my birthday. My birthday where he forgot to bring the gift because he left it at work. How he couldn’t take me out for coffee or a drink in the daytime because he had left his card in his friend J’s car. And I suppose the calculator, even though, it would be late, would somehow make up for it.

I mean, for his other friends birthdays, I guess he went out with Z and her friends. I don’t know. He went out with A and her friends on her birthday. He called S on her birthday. He couldn’t go out with D on her birthday, but the Sunday after she came over to his house to play video games. I don’t know, I just expected when it came to my birthday, he’d at least try to do something special. Something that distinguished it from any of theirs, any of those girls that were only his friends. So in my mind, I always felt that the calculator  would make up for it. Not that he did anything spectacular for them. I just wanted him to do something spectacular for me.

He said he returned it because of the color. It’s true. I wanted a color not black. We had once even agreed that he would just get back the returned one, but the money needed to reimburse into his card first. I don’t know what happened there, maybe we forgot. And so on Saturday, asked if he still going to buy it. He said yeah, I just had to tell him which one.


After Monday, it was Tuesday. And after I had a really good day, I realized I wasn’t so mad anymore. So I texted him and asked him how he was. And we talked like that for a little bit, talked about our day.

And then I asked him if he was okay after Monday, if we were cool. And at first I thought I sensed sarcasm, but in the end, he said we were. He was alright.

Oddly, I guess maybe I was still mad a but inside. Maybe it was because I had seen his tumblr already that day and he had reposted this post about how soulmates don’t really lve15 minutes from each other. It’s not that I believe him to be my soulmate, but this repost somehow made me sad. Maybe then, I was still mad. So I wanted to see how much he really wanted to be with me. I mean, last week, he told me multiple times that he really wanted to be with me. And that he would do everything he could to be with me. Then I asked about the calculator. If he was still going to get it for me. (M birthday was over a month ago. And after the return because of the color and my indecision about the color, he said just this Saturday after I asked that he would get it for me.

But when I asked yesterday, he said no. With classes and the car (yes, he finally bought the car), he was kinda broke. And I said okay, he said he’d get it for my birthday, but okay. And so he said sorry. (Mind you, this is all through text). Then he said something along the lines of he had bought the fucking calculator. But it was the one I wanted. And how he had it even before my birthday. And I answered back, that I just wanted to know if he was ever going to get me the calculator. Was he? I wanted to hear him say it. And so after hours of no response, I said whatever then. I’d see him in a few days. That out of everything, I thought the calculator was one thing he couldn’t mess up on.

And then he said something like ‘ fuck the bullshit. let’s just break up’. Maybe he even said he was tired of letting me down. Or maybe he had said he was tired of being unhappy.

And of course I said we would talk it out. And he said we did that. Maybe I apologized. I don’t remember what I said. I said we should talk. We were in the midst of agreeing to talk on Friday morning. He didn’t want me to skip class. He didn’t fix our relationship. When I asked if it was my fault, he said why did I need someone to blame? And so eventually, I don’t remember what I said exactly, maybe I said I was calm. Why was he mad? He said he wasn’t he was just so fed up with our relationship. And then he stopped responding.

I went on for a little bit. About how I was thinking about just telling him I wanted to be friends. (Yes, I had vague plan in my head to break up with him this Friday in the car and tell I’m I just wanted to be friends). And I went on and said how funny it was that the only reason I ever started things was because I was always scared if he was cheating on me. (And yet, I suppose, deep down, I know I worry myself for nothing because I know that he isn’t.)  And how it’s funny that we only really love each other when we break up. And how maybe someday we could laugh about this like pals. And was he still there? I hope he got home safe. And that I love him, alright. And how I was deleting all these messages because (I think I said) I didn’t wan to remember. And my phone’s memory wouldn’t hold it. And he could remember for us. And so maybe I said we would see each other Friday. And maybe I said goodnight. That I wouldn’t tell anyone that we broke up. Maybe I said we would talk, I’d text him in the morning. And then I called to count the rings to see if he blocked me yet. And he hadn’t. So I left one more text explaining why I called. To know if he blocked me. And I knew in the end, that he never did block me, he was still reading my texts, I suppose.

An hour later, I asked if he was still awake. It was around 11:30.

And today I called a few times to count the rings. One ring means I’m blocked. Many rings mean I’m not. One ring means he doesn’t want to hear from me at all. Many rings means he’s wondering what I have to say.

And I said see you Friday at 8? Ok? No response.

And so I called (again). I right before I left my last text (7:16), I checked the rings (7:10) , and I left the following message:

“I’m just going to leave you alone for the next two weeks. We can just talk about it the Friday after next. I don’t want break up over last night. And I’m sorry, okay? So I’m not going to tell anyone we broke up, even though we probably really did. We’ll have our space now. Whatever you do though, don’t break the two weeks, starting now.”

And that was it.


So aside from all that and a bunch of nothing, I had a great day today. I helped some people with their homework,  I was complimented on my looks and my academic achievements by different people, I exercised, I ran a meeting, I felt nice in the sunny weather, I was respected by my peers, I was comfortably busy.

My friend M even visited me. And  I told him I had things to tell him. As far I remember, I never told him that we broke up, so I know I didn’t say anything about that. I repeat, I did not tell M that we broke up. (In fact, I didn’t tell anyone.)We just talked for a second about how I wanted to talk, how I would feel better if I told someone.  He even agreed to wait for me and I said no. He’s a good friend. So after he left, I solved this math problem that these people we stuck on for a half hour. And I felt really great. So overall today was a really great day. Just like yesterday was a really good day for me.

And so I’ll keep having really great days. And I’ll be just fine. I’ll get the calculator myself and I’m going to make it up to myself.

I’m going to get lost for awhile, at least for the next two weeks.

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