August 24th

Making up, fighting, making up, fighting. That’s been the last month of us.

As far as I remember, today we went a bit back and forth (or maybe that was just me) with the notion of breaking up. And then we seemed to drop everything.

I accepted that work was his “space”. (In truth, I thought this was really idiotic. He doesn’t want me to walk in to say hi to him because he doesn’t like what his coworkers will think of me because apparently, he tells them “everything” about our arguments). He tried to explain how me walking in makes him feel uncomfortable, like how him mentioning or talking about my dad at all makes me feel uncomfortable. We didn’t talk about my dad today, but I told him it wasn’t the same thing, which he seemed to already know this. I even asked if was willing to risk our relationship on this and he said yes, since I brought up, he would risk it. That was the first part of our argument. And in the end, I agreed that work was his space, even though I found the argument really gross. It seems that anyone fucking else is welcomed to come in, but not me. The most embarrassing part was that one of my classmates was sitting at a table behind us. I think by the time we had resolved the argument by saying work was his space and that we would never talk about it, my classmate had already left. I don’t think any one was listening to the part where I agreed that work was his space because he felt uncomfortable with me walking in. Fuck it, I don’t think anyone was there. A bit after they left, we had the next part of the argument.

And he told me he didn’t want to take writing class with me. And I agreed that I don’t think I could see him every day either (although in truth I think I probably could). He argued how I never introduced him as my boyfriend to my parents. And when I reasoned why he needed to be in a class with me, he told me he didn’t want to meet my parents.  And I said I never introduced him because I am embarrassed of how he likes me. And I am ashamed of the way he loves me. And that every reason he gives me is bullshit. And so he said he didn’t want to be with a person who was so embarrassed by him. I am unsure of how this was resolved. I think he tried to walk away, but I stopped him and asked him to stay.

In the end, I had him stay with me so I could calm down. And I apologized for the tings I said. And then I think a moment later, he apologized. And I guess we settled down.

We agreed that we would see each other on Friday at 8. When I asked if we could do anything I wanted, he said he would first have to know what I wanted to do because he wanted to make sure he could do it. And that I wouldn’t come out and ask for something like tickets to Disney.

I knew we were okay once he waited for me to come out of the bathroom even though he said he wouldn’t. And he said he waited for me because he didn’t say bye. In the end, he teased me about having “problems” in the bathroom, even though he knew I was in there to calm my red face after crying. And after thinking about playing along, I said I didn’t want to didn’t want to twist his joke (I said something like that). And we said bye and walked our separate ways. I didn’t stop and look at him to kiss me.

I know he seemed really set on talking everything through today. While he did try to walk away for a second, but then decided to stay, and while he did contemplate breaking up (like I kept thinking in the back of my mind), we didn’t break up today.

But to be honest, inside I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to keep fighting him over things I know I’m right about. I know we didn’t break up, but inside it kind of felt like we did. I know he didn’t break up with me, and I especially know this because were supposed to see each other on Friday and then he waited for me and tried to joke, but I don’t think I want to be seeing him anymore.

I didn’t tell him . But I don’t think I want to go back.

Maybe I’ll give it a few days and think tings through. I just know that this isn’t what I want right now. At the moment, I really fucking hate him. Everything he said today upset me. I don’t even care to remember most of it. I’m not going to say anything to him for a long while.

And even though school’s started up, this is how I considered our summer ending.

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