The Last Three Days

So of course, I said something. And once he responds, I cannot stop talking.

Monday: We were okay. I apologized. Then I started complaining. Then he answered all my questions. I got mad for no real reasons. I got mad about A just because I read something about shotgunning. I read about it, it reminded me of him smoking, then I thought about A, then I got mad. He didn’t know what that was but it made me mad.

In the back of my mind for most of the day, I was also really mad about S. Everything about us and how she was in the background during half of our relationship, made me mad. Even though she’s only his friend, the idea of him liking her in the very beginning before me pissed me off. I know he stopped talking to her when we started out because he liked me, but damn, I felt so mad about this.

I told him I was pmsing like a motherfucker. I asked him what he was doing. He told me he was looking at cars again with J, his friend. This made me happy. Later on, he messaged me, telling me what kind of car.

Night time came. I cannot remember why I was mad. He had texted me saying he was getting off work, I didn’t get it until the next day, but by then I had already went off. He said when I am pmsing, I can be too much at times.

Tuesday: I complained about my grade. I blamed our relationship for getting a C in my class. I said I had put our relationship before everything, even school. And inside, I was feeling mad at him from before, when he put other people, other less important people, in front of our relationship, in front of me. I felt so angry. He didn’t respond.

I texted him. I asked if he was ignoring me. He said he thought I didn’t want to talk to him. He said we were on a break. I asked if he had read my messages about my grade. He asked me what I wanted him to say. He told me he wasn’t going to say anything for a while. I said I didn’t want to talk to him for a long while. We were on a break. And he told me okay.

Then for no reason, I started worrying about M and I began wondering when he ran into her? Or did they plan on seeing each other? How long ago was this? Does he talk to her still? (To be honest, I feel like him and I already talked about this. They ran into each other “awhile” ago. She was doing, in his words, “Church things”. That was it. No, they don’t talk to each other. He hasn’t talked to her in a long time). But because all the answers in my mind seemed vague, this began to worry me.

And lastly, why do we always seem to argue or have a problem during vacation times when all these other girls seem to be home from college?

Maybe this is just me. I’ve broken up with so many times during or before vacation times just because I was mad about old things. Last summer. Him. Thanksgiving break. Me. Then him. Then me. It was a little fuzzy, but I’m gonna say me. Winter vacation. Almost him, but me. Spring break. I sat him down, then was unsure. So basically, me. This summer. Him. Then we got back together. Then we had that big fight the next day. Then he broke up with me. Then we got back together. The he wanted to break up, but then we talked and he said he didn’t think we were gonna break up. And now we’re on a break.

So maybe that last question is really just me. But then again, he always seems to screw it up with his attitude. I get mad at something stupid he’s done and then he gets mad because I’m mad. And then one of us goes off.

To stop talking, I blocked him on Facebook.

Wednesday: And then I unblocked him.

So I repeated what I said on Tuesday because I wasn’t sure if he ever got my texts. I think he may have blocked me on his phone or he’s just straight up ignoring me because we’re on a break and I keep randomly acting crazy. Then I mentioned Z (because she’s having a problem with her boyfriend) and how I hope he wasn’t talking to her. And then I mentioned our schedules for next semester.

Now I have said everything. And I am still mad at him. And he has said nothing. I still feel angry. And I love him, but I also really hate him for everything. And I’m excited for the future, but I hate parts of our past. Tonight I don’t want to think too hard about him though.

And because I am nosy and want to see his Facebook, I have discovered that he changed his password yesterday. Now I feel very untrusting. More than I did before.


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