Tonight

So the day was going well. And maybe it’s just me, but when my boyfriend and I aren’t talking, I feel like I’m more self conscious of people mentioning him or maybe people just mention him more when we’re not talking.

For example, my friend C mentioned him today in class and said he could take my boyfriend in basketball. My auntie was talking with my sister and when I tried to get in, my auntie asked if I was going to mention that “that guy”. I don’t know maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just more aware when he’s talked about at all. Or maybe I just think about him more?

I wasn’t going to talk to him at all during this break. In fact, today the thought of him was pissing me off. I was calling him a fucking idiot inside my head. And I kept thinking of how he was trying to act cool in June, not thinking about my feelings, when he slept over fucking A’s apartment with his friends and her roommates all together after getting high. What a dumbass. I was even thinking what if I didn’t go back to him after this break? What if I just left without warning and ignored his calls? Yes, that thought crossed my mind. And then there were parts of me that were wondering why I was even mad at the moment. Honestly, when we’re not talking I am just on-and-off mad at him throughout the day until maybe after the third day where I just miss him and only think pretty much good thoughts about him. Today is not one of those days. Mainly because today is day one.

So where was I? I wasn’t going to talk to him. I was just going to get by this next month with the thought of him (and maybe watching him play basketball without him seeing me). And then he messaged me this afternoon (which I didn’t see until tonight), asking me if I would go with him to the Taylor Swift concert if he got tickets. Well, yeah, I messaged back. I really like Taylor Swift, but the concert tickets are too expensive. I said I would go. He would ask me to go at the end of August and I would tell my parents he asked me. And right now he is wondering if he should buy the tickets so we could go. And to be honest, I am more than a little excited about that.

And now back to being neutral, in between happy and mad at him, so I can leave him alone during this break. If I get too happy, I won’t be able to shut up and I’ll keep talking all night or something like every day during this break.

Now he’s making the concert tickets a “sorry-I-fucked-up” gift. And in a selfish perspective, I am slightly, if not outwardly, wondering if he is still getting the calculator, which was supposed to be for my birthday, which he returned because I was debating what color I wanted just to figure out I wanted the one he originally bought.

Anyways, I think he’s going to buy the tickets. I’m pretty excited about it, but honestly, anything could happen with us in the next month or so. Like the tickets could have already been sold. I’m going to stop now. I don’t know if I should be excited or just feel nothing at all. So I think I’ll just sleep on it.

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